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Original poster

Found secret messages on DH phone

194 replies

Connie667 · 17/12/2020 20:10

My DH has been acting odd for a while. Distant and always on his phone.

I've never done this before but when he left his phone on the side earlier (which he never does) I looked at it.

There was a messaging app which I've never seen before and I found messages between him and someone saved as "DB" without a profile picture.

The messages date back months. They've sent pictures to each other and he's been asking to meet up with her.

From what I can gather from the pictures she's sent him, she's at least 10 years younger than me (and him!) and also half my size. She's stunning, I can't deny that and he has told her so multiple times.

I haven't said anything to him yet. I have no idea what to do. It's obvious that he's checked out of our marriage and seems to be completely obsessed with this woman.

I think I'm in denial at the moment. Or shock. What am I meant to do now? We have a 1 year old son too.

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 17/12/2020 21:13

Go ballistic.

TheGremlinsAreComing · 17/12/2020 21:13

I had this too, OP. I neglected to get screenshots, so please do that. When I confronted him he called me crazy, I was imagining it, didn't I trust him? And clearly he realised I was suspicious before I confronted him because when he handed me his phone he'd deleted everything incriminating on it.

Toadintheroad · 17/12/2020 21:13

Gather all the information you need before you confront him. By this I mean all your finical documents and anything else that you may need.

oakleaffy · 17/12/2020 21:15

Phones are the Devil's Work...The modern equivalent of going through a bloke's pockets, with a thundering heart.

Sadly new babies are a time when so many men ''Check out''...The sex side is often different after, but my DH went for someone MUCH older than him, and me! ...The antithesis of what one would expect.

It didn't last, and DH {Ex DH, but we get on now} said it was the worst mistake of his life.

I think he wanted ''Mothering''. But other men want rampant sex.

Either way, a new baby takes the attention off them.

I know the awfulness of seeing a message, and snooping.

You probably knew you'd find something, why else look through his phone?...Just as I snooped through DH's stuff..{Found unsigned cards in a female hand}

CrazyCatLazy · 17/12/2020 21:19

As everybody else has said. Gather evidence and then you have it at your disposal when ready.
I personally wouldn’t be able to stop myself exploding, but i think pp are right in getting advice and being prepared financially etc before doing so. Much love xx

Makemineaprosecco · 17/12/2020 21:20

Hey there
I am going through a very similar situation in that my husband had an emotional affair, I found numerous WhatsApp messages from a female colleague of his I am devastated but have decided to try and work things out with him at least for the time being, it’s so hard, I would give yourself some time to think out a plan and remember this is his crap let him own it big hugs xxx

Happymum12345 · 17/12/2020 21:20

I’ve been where you are, with a one year old too. My husband was seeing a much fatter, older woman-I don’t know what’s worse! I stayed with him after much counselling etc. Do what is right for you.

MuthaFunka61 · 17/12/2020 21:25

You asked "she has "saved" him. What the hell does that mean?" It means he's imagining her as some ideal woman who'll fulfill his every fantasy/ need,as this is what this relationship is based on,fantasy.

Hope this helps.

Take good care of you and your little one Flowers

D4rwin · 17/12/2020 21:27

So many do this. Some sort of tantrum behaviour because (shocker) you're priorities have changed and the manchild misses the attention he utterly feels entitled to.

Your best bet is to get rid. Why go through the effort of jumping through hoops for him when you've got a life to lead. He's shown his total lack regard for you, your family unit and even his child. Cheats always will do it again because it's who they are: too self centred for the long term.
Good luck, you will be so much happier if you get organised and kick him to the gutter. Do it for you, do it for your ego. He doesn't deserve your effort.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 17/12/2020 21:30

@HopeAndDriftWood

What you do next is up to you.

Lots of people here will tell you their views, but you have to do what feels right for you.

Do you want to stay with him? Would you ever be able to trust him again?
Do you want him to leave?

He doesn’t know that you know yet, so you can think about it a bit - although it may be worth bearing in mind that if he’s noticeably checked out and obsessed with her, he may not want to stay even if you can forgive him. And you should attempt to compete with her at all; because tempting as it is, it’s a hollow victory.

I am so, so sorry Flowers

Excellent advice. Presumably they are not yet having a physical affair, if he is asking if he can meet her IRL? For me, though, this sort of emotional affair would be less forgivable than a drunken one night stand, but every marriage is different. Sometimes there is context to an emotional affair that may explain it to an extent (NB I am not saying excuse it) e.g. if there has been a recent bereavement or other event that can make someone behave out of character. Only you can decide.
PeteWicksSexyPirate · 17/12/2020 21:30

Do you have someone IRL who can support you, a trusted friend to confide in? Just to offload so you can breathe a bit and have some love around you Flowers

speakout · 17/12/2020 21:32

I would clear out any joint accounts before confronting him.

Amirite · 17/12/2020 21:33

I’m so sorry. What an awful thing to discover. What an arsehole to treat you like this. Keep a cool head as much as you can and get everything in order to do what you want with this. Maybe get some time apart to think things over. It’s up to you what you do with this info. Good luck.

TatianaBis · 17/12/2020 21:35

So he hasn’t actually met her if he’s asking to meet up? Has she actually said she would?

I sincerely hope he’s being catfished by a lorry driver.

I’m really sorry your DH is a twat OP.

TildaTurnip · 17/12/2020 21:37

I agree with advice of getting someone irl if possible to help you through some logistics. Then you can see how you feel emotionally.

ZenNudist · 17/12/2020 21:39

I couldn't stay after this. But you do what's best for you. It might be that you just want some financial support whilst your baby is so young. Were you planning on working because its going to get a lot harder if he won't coparent properly?

Don't have sex with him any more. Take the screen shots. Keep your powder dry. Have your exit plan but do it when you want. After a few more days/weeks/months you probably won't want to be anywhere near him.

I know people who divorced when dc were young. The dad loses out as they are generally NRP and replaced by a stepfather. Massive generalisation but hope you realise he has made a massive life error here that won't affect you and dc as badly as it affects him. The miserable mistress has scored herself a real Prince!

Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 21:39

The saving him sounds as if he's been spinning her about being low and down and how awful you are OP . Dick.

grassisjeweled · 17/12/2020 21:40

Hmmm.

Think finances, op.

You need copies of all your legal and financial documentation.

Do not only take paper copies, you need to store these electronically. New email address, etc, something that he won't guess.

And keep schtum for the mean time.

Contact a lawyer, get 50/50 contact for your son.

She's saved him Confused. He's saved you from a lifetime of lies by being a twat.

Nonamesavail · 17/12/2020 21:42

So sorry OP :(

Mirinska · 17/12/2020 21:47

I’m sorry for how traumatic this must be for you. The emotional shock and distress will take a while but you’ll come through stronger and happier and probably meet someone new.

The most important thing now is to recognise that someone who is cheating like this does not have your well-being at heart and to protect yourself financially. Give yourself time to find out about all assets and income, get legal advice and find out about your rights and how to get the best settlement. You’d be surprised what you may be entitled to. But you may also have liabilities eg if you’re the bigger earner or have a larger pension, and you might be able to mitigate these. It is much easier to cope with a break up if you have some measure of economic security especially with a 1 year old child.

Give some thought to what leverage you have to maximise your interests and how best to go about achieving what you need and want. Hard as it may be, staying cool and clear headed and knowing how to negotiate are your best assets. It’s also a lot easier to remain civil and potentially friendly going forward however difficult this may be initially you will reap the reward both in terms of getting the best goodwill from him in a financial and child access settlement and in the long term with shared child / family events. Generally the person cheating will feel guilty and are likely to be more generous when embarking on a new romantic relationship, than further down the line when the realities of life hit home. Good luck.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 17/12/2020 21:49

I had a one year old (and a 5 year old) when my ex had an affair. There were signs but I didn't have any concrete proof. The best thing he did after admitting it was to move out and end our relationship. It was fucking horrific at the time but like ripping off a plaster it was then over. There was no "trying to work it out" and I had no choices to make. He also felt incredibly guilty so I got a very, very favourable settlement.

Take some time but my advice would be don't stew on it for ages as its unlikely to change the outcome and having it hang over your head is very damaging for you emotionally. Play dirty though, get everything you can.

TwentyViginti · 17/12/2020 21:50

A strange messaging app and a 'stunning' woman. Sounds like a catfishing scam.

Eckhart · 17/12/2020 21:55

Maintain your dignity. Think before you act. If you don't, you will wish you had. If you do, you will be proud of yourself always.

CrotchBurn · 17/12/2020 21:57

If hes on his phone all the time conducting an affair then how come he doesnt have a passcode on it

I thought everyone did!

Somethingkindaoooo · 17/12/2020 21:58

I agree with the pp that says the guilt fades.

Get all your finances together before he knows that you know.

Once the it's all out, the speed at which he will morph into someone you don't recognise will make your head spin

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