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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

286 replies

ChristmasIvy · 17/12/2020 17:46

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

OP posts:
CallistoSol · 17/12/2020 17:48

Undoubtedly best for the puppy, no matter how you or her children feel.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2020 17:49

I think it's better she handed it back now rather than later, she clearly didn't realise puppies are such hard work. It will probably have a better chance of being rehomed while it's still young now too

Stormwhale · 17/12/2020 17:51

I think it has fuck all to do with you. If she was not coping and was really struggling mentally I would think a real friend would be concerned for her, not judging her like you. Im pretty sure her children would rather have a mentally stable mother than a puppy! I really dont think I would like you as a friend.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 17/12/2020 17:51

Stop being so judgemental. She’s realised that a puppy is not good for her mental health and given it back.
Yes she shouldn’t have got it in the first place but what do you want her to do? Struggle on for the next 15 years?

TheChosenTwo · 17/12/2020 17:51

I know a few people who have done this! I’ve been a bit Hmm at the people I know who have done so because they literally only decided they wanted a puppy or bought one because someone was trying to get rid of them cheap.
Other than that, it’s their decision. Best that the dog has a chance to live a happy life with someone who can dedicate the time/energy to them and let’s face it, puppy’s are a novelty for dc, they’ll get over it. (Yes I know children do love their family dogs but they aren’t the ones out picking up shit, paying vet bills, walking them 3 times a day etc, I’d never have a dog just because my dc wanted one, I’d have to really want one myself. And they really do want one and I really don’t for the above reasons which is why I’ll never get one!)

TheChosenTwo · 17/12/2020 17:52

Ps, I think giving an animal as a Christmas present is a bad idea in the first place.

Mycircusmymonkey · 17/12/2020 17:53

It doesn’t surprise me, sadly many people underestimate how hard puppies are. DH wanted to send ours back (very seriously so) after 2 weeks, I told him to jog on and have to admit it caused a huge rift between us for a long time. Had he forced the issue I think it would have been a deal breaker for me!

FreshfieldsGal · 17/12/2020 17:54

Better to have the pup rehomed.
(our dog was a NIGHTMARE as a pup - nipped constantly, wrecked so much stuff, eg door frames, chewed walls, ruined a leather sofa and our dining table etc etc but we knew he would grow out of it and he's fabulous now)

Some people don't have the time or patience. It's like having a baby really.

unmarkedbythat · 17/12/2020 17:55

I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

Of course YABU, and your DH is right. But you have no right to the full story anyway. If your reaction to this is to slate your friend rather than being glad that someone who cannot care for the puppy in the way it needs has recognised this and given it up, then I really question whether you care about the dog at all.

whiteroseredrose · 17/12/2020 17:57

I understand what you mean. She clearly had no idea what she was letting herself in for. My ex boss did the same and it was the end of his marriage.

But it is better for the puppy. They need a lot of attention and patience. Hopefully it will end up with a family that loves it.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 17/12/2020 17:57

I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present

Are you not shocked and distraught that this poor animal was bought as a toy for children and then returned as if it was faulty?

Probably best for the puppy, let’s be honest.

FairytaleOfLancashire · 17/12/2020 17:58

God, the kids must be heartbroken.
Once you know puppy love..
As others have said - in the long term its better now than later, but wow!

Laiste · 17/12/2020 17:59

If she is a good friend then you should be more concerned about her than the puppy. She's not chucked it in the river in a sack FGS - she's given it back.

Is this to a breeder or a re homing centre out of interest?

Plussizejumpsuit · 17/12/2020 18:00

It's none of your buisness. You're being really dramatic to say you'll never think of her in the same way again. Jesus!

HyacynthBucket · 17/12/2020 18:02

Please people, never give animals as presents. They need time and attention and lots of input if it is going to be a successful relationship. And Christmas is the worst possible time for an animal to be introduced to family life.
Your friend should not have taken the puppy on so thoughtlessly OP, but having realised the mistake, probably she did the right thing in handing it over so it can hopefully have a better life with someone else.

altiara · 17/12/2020 18:02

She’s in the verge of a breakdown!
If she said she wanted to give her kids away, would you be supporting her with her mental health issues? Maybe she is being brave and this is a cry for help.

Avocadotoastie · 17/12/2020 18:04

You're distraught? Hmm

nevernotstruggling · 17/12/2020 18:04

Yanbu to feel like that - regardless. Agree with pp that it's best for the puppy who has likely been rehomed as breeders have waiting lists. It's all a bit shit though.
I think for me, retuning the puppy was morally the right thing to do. No question. But getting into that situation in the first place...urgh.

inquietant · 17/12/2020 18:04

Try to be compassionate. And also better to letsomeonr who can care for it do that. A bit tough on the children but if the choice is a puppy or a fully-functioning mother - it's no choice.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 17/12/2020 18:07

I have an ex friend who has twice got a puppy, done no training, then once they’re out of the ‘cute’ puppy stage decides she doesn’t want the bother and gets rid of them.

I can’t look at her the same way either.

ComDummings · 17/12/2020 18:09

Honestly she did the right thing. Her children may be upset now but shit happens. Aren’t you concerned about your friend?

AlexaShutUp · 17/12/2020 18:10

I feel sorry for the puppy but it might be the best thing in the long run.

I'm sure the kids will get over it.

Hopefully, your friend will find new friends as you sound weirdly judgemental. If I was on the verge of a breakdown, I would want my friends to be supportive and not posting judgy threads about me on MN.

OldAndWornOut · 17/12/2020 18:11

I'd feel exactly the same as you, op.

It really pisses me off when people pass animals around like objects.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/12/2020 18:11

I know what you mean OP. A very old (and good) friend of mine adopted a collie cross, didn't really train it or exercise it adequately, then when it was an unruly adult dog with every bad habit under the sun, took it to the DSPCA and left it there. This was at a time when few dogs were rehomed, and most were put to sleep in a week.

I am not a dog person, but that dog loved its family, and its bad habits were entirely caused by poor ownership. My friend never showed any trace of remorse and, if I'm honest, I have never felt quite the same about her since. I don't care if that sounds dramatic - it is literally true.

At least your friend's puppy is young enough to start over and live a happy life with better owners.

TheQueensGambit · 17/12/2020 18:12

If it was her first puppy and it was really ruining her MH, then I'd give her the benefit this time.

I have an auntie who did this twice though. The first one, I thought "well, mistake made, they are hard work etc". The second one and yes, I looked at her differently after that. She is an absolute twat in many ways I since discovered, but that may be irrelevant.