AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

[ChristmasIvy]

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

MuckyPlucky

I have compassion and understanding for anyone suffering with mental health issues. But I know so many people who have discarded animals due to mental health reasons when what they actually mean is it’s harder than they thought and they can’t be bothered. People do use ‘nervous breakdown’ like people say they have OCD because they clean their house. It’s overused and is unhelpful to the understanding of people who really do suffer with mental health issues. People do unfortunately use it to gain sympathy.

People do blame MH when they just dont want to do something. I have crohns disease and the amount of morons who say oh yes my stomachs not good after xyz either. Morons. Are you on permanent medication then, shielding, in danger from simple things like flu. No, well pack in the comparison then. It makes me angry. And I think someone with actual MH issues would feel the same anger towards someone claiming their issues are the same as someone with an actual condition. I dont know why everyone gets so offended at the comparison.

I also dont understand why so many people think it's fine to hand a dog back. It never used to be like this. Buying a puppy encourages breeders to keep breeding. There are 12000 healthy dogs a year put down in the pound because they have no home. More this year as breeders have bred even more dogs.
You dont want the pup after a few months it ends up in a rescue with behavioural issues because it wasnt socialised. The people at the rescue try to rehab and rehome. But there are not enough homes for all dogs, even nice ones. You rehome your pup you dont want to a neighbour then that neighbour is not going to get a different dog that could have taken one out the system.

To get a puppy if your not really a dog person is totally selfish and done on the assumption someone else will pick up your mess.

And I dont wear a Barbour jacket or live in the country. I have children and my dogs are pets and not treated like my kids.

@Oliversmumsarmy

GlummyMcGlummerson What is the difference between “blaming” or giving the “reason” of MH issues. They both mean because of MH reasons.

Also unless this woman has a diagnosis of MH issues your cancer diagnosis example doesn’t work.

Well why do you assume she doesn't have a diagnosis?

Reason:

a cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event

Blame:

feel or declare that (someone or something) is responsible for a fault or wrong.

OP's friend has not committed a "wrong". I think she's been remarkably sensible

MuckyPlucky

Well aren’t you lovely. 🙄

someone with actual MH issues

That's one in four people.

And the bigger problem, by absolute fucking a thousand miles, is people being scared to talk about it or feeling ashamed of it because of small minded attitudes or armchair critics sitting in judgement or people claiming they are just 'making it up'.

There is no need to compete with anyone. How about we all just try and extend some basic humanity to each other?

MIND is here, for anyone who needs it: www.mind.org.uk/

ArabellaScott

But do you really not know anyone who uses it to get out of doing things or justify their actions. I know a lot, some in my own family. I say this as someone who has had mental health issues.

What would you say if someone didn’t want to queue but barged in front of you because they said queuing triggered their MH.
Had that a few times

Of course you have

Those people who think droves of people are making up MH issues - if they said they had cancer, crohns or epilepsy for example would you automatically jump to "they're probably lying". If not, why do you do it with people with MH issues? Is it because talking about these issues it's a fairly new phenomena, and you still feel the prejudice of the old stigmas? Or is it because you can't "see" most MH issues

But do you really not know anyone who uses it to get out of doing things or justify their actions. I know a lot, some in my own family. I say this as someone who has had mental health issues.

No. I have quite often seen people use the fact that they are 'under stress' in that way; but never claiming actual mental health issues.

For what it’s worth, I do think my friend falls firmly into the category of using MH as an excuse. She is a capable person but she clearly didn’t research puppies properly (in my opinion) and she gave up too easily when she found it was hard. I agree with other posters who have pointed out that such attitudes encourage artificially high demand for puppies and irresponsible breeding. I’ve known her for many years and I think she just didn’t like the disruption to her life - I find her declarations of “nearly having a nervous breakdown” to be OTT. Perhaps she hides her struggles well, but this is my honest opinion.

@Oliversmumsarmy

MuckyPlucky

I think there are too many people who say they have a MH issue with something rather than they didn’t think or do their research about something before committing and when they lose patience/can’t be bothered/realise the enormity of what they have taken on it suddenly becomes about their undiagnosed MH condition.

I wonder if this woman has actually got a MH issue or she just found it tough.

Not saying the puppy isn’t better off with someone who can look after it bit I would be more sympathetic towards someone who actually said they couldn’t cope with a puppy or had made a mistake than blame it on a made up MH issue that wasn’t there before

Mental health problems aren't made up. They may be severe, they may not be. But to dismiss them entirely is horrible. I hope you never have to go through them as it's not fun, not something people 'make up' for the craic, and if I could do anything in my life I would cut this out. But it's there and I have to live with it. And it's here for various reasons. It's incredibly rude to just dismiss it, and unhelpful.

I don't know of anyone who makes up MH issues. But, as someone with longstanding MH issues (PTSD as a result of childhood SA), I do dislike it being used as an excuse for poor behaviour or decision making.

I can accept that the OP's friend was right to give the puppy back to the rescue place. But she is responsible for the foolish decision to get a puppy as a Christmas present for her DC. Especially with all the warnings around Christmas time that 'a puppy is for life not just for Christmas'.

MH issues are not a get out of jail free card. We're still rest for our decisions and for our actions. Especially when we have DC.

I'm not saying that the OP was in any way justified in starting a bitchy thread about her friend.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

😂

@Mittens030869

I don't know of anyone who makes up MH issues. But, as someone with longstanding MH issues (PTSD as a result of childhood SA), I do dislike it being used as an excuse for poor behaviour or decision making.

I can accept that the OP's friend was right to give the puppy back to the rescue place. But she is responsible for the foolish decision to get a puppy as a Christmas present for her DC. Especially with all the warnings around Christmas time that 'a puppy is for life not just for Christmas'.

MH issues are not a get out of jail free card. We're still rest for our decisions and for our actions. Especially when we have DC.

I'm not saying that the OP was in any way justified in starting a bitchy thread about her friend.

Sorry about your MH issues. But I take issue with the idea that they're not an excuse for poor decision making. They are absolutely that. When you are suffering from poor MH, likelihood is you're not thinking rationally. And as a result, decisions aren't the best.

People make up lots of things. Some make up allergies, some even terminal illness to scam people. It's not beyond imagination and logic, that some people make up MH issues too.
And I am with @Mittens030869.

I got my dog at 4 months from a breeder that had her running free in their home with a big pack of other dogs (they show dogs, several breeds).

Thank goodness because I couldnt have coped with a younger puppy. My previous dog came to me at 8 months. The young puppy stage is horrendous for wee, poo, crying etc. I think people sell puppies far too young. Puppies need time to learn how to be dogs with their mums before they go off alone. Little puppies look sweet but they are so needy.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

ArabellaScott

But do you really not know anyone who uses it to get out of doing things or justify their actions. I know a lot, some in my own family. I say this as someone who has had mental health issues.

Nope. I do not.

Why do people think 'research' will mean that having a puppy will be easy?

All the research in the world will not prepare you for a puppy, not even close.

I’d hate to have a puppy, so much work 😱 this I wouldn’t buy one, your friend sounds stupid.

Good ownership, proper, loving, good ownership isn't just 'a dog is for life' its also knowing when you can't handle them and finding them a home that CAN give them what they need, rather than you, and the dog, continuing to suffer.

Making THAT decision with a dog you love dearly is the hardest one ever.

@Calabasa

Good ownership, proper, loving, good ownership isn't just 'a dog is for life' its also knowing when you can't handle them and finding them a home that CAN give them what they need, rather than you, and the dog, continuing to suffer.

Making THAT decision with a dog you love dearly is the hardest one ever.

This with bells on

I’ve not researched it but I’m done getting up in the night and cleaning up poop 😂

I wish people would stop telling me to get a puppy as it would enrich my life they seem to miss the parts where it's really hard, the training, the nipping, etc. Never had a puppy but as far as I can see it's a bit like having a newborn baby in terms of the work to do and how much you need to be around.

I just found out the other day that they go through teething too

@HollyCarrot

Mental health can interfere with your decision making, I know that. But when you have DC, you have a responsibility to get it right. If you know that your MH issues are making it hard to make rational decisions, then you should talk decisions through with someone close to you, or get professional support.

Sometimes it means that a change in medication is necessary.

I know that some people can't make rational decisions at all; my DB is like that sadly. But he can't function at all and wouldn't be able to hold down a job or bring up a family.

This doesn't appear to be the case with the OP's friend, although obviously we don't have enough information to really know if that's the case.