AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

[ChristmasIvy]

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

I'd feel the same as you OP. However hard I tried not to judge. I'd judge.

i used to judge, then had to make the decision with a dog i had for 3 years and tried EVERYTHING with, and had to admit i couldn't handle.. and i've had 5 dogs of the same breed previously from puppy to death of old age, so its not like i didnt 'do my research' or not know what i was getting into.

You really can't judge until you have a dog you have to rehome.

Could the people who've had puppies please tell other people how hard it is, I know a lot of 'dog people' who tell me to get one - my sister - a self described crazy dog lady - is a particular pest and even says to my children "tell mummy you want a dog for your next birthdays" she makes it sound like a walk in the park, tells me she'll help me, it's so rewarding etc.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers I'm it stupid! And I actually dislike dogs in general. But if I was a dog person and perhaps less cynical astute then I'd easily be persuaded.

*not stupid

puppy is like having a baby in the house, it needs 100% of your attention when its awake, for at least the first 8-12 weeks to be honest. It drops a little but then you're at toddler level attention until they're about 18mo.

So unless you want another baby/toddler in the house, and have another adult/person willing to help you, dont do it.

I doubt it was done on a whim and she tried her best. Most breeders prefer you to return the puppy to them anyway if you cannot cope. It probably happens a lot.

It's actually a sign of strength to admit you can't carry on caring for the puppy early on rather than the puppy suffering from poor socialisation and training with the wrong owner. Try and look at it from this perspective OP.

@HollyCarrot - I wonder if you’ve mis-directed your message to me or confused me with someone else? I never said MH probs are made-up. I’m the poster who has bipolar disorder & has been railing against the awful posters on here who are all about whether this poor woman has or has not got a good enough “excuse” to admit she was struggling to cope. If you read my posts you’ll see I’m outraged by this double standard around MH that has been spewed on this thread.

I’ll say it again... if the woman’s Crohn’s disease/arthritis/psoriasis/CFS etc was made unexpectedly worse by owning a puppy everyone here would be v supportive & understanding of her difficult choice. Mental health? Ooh, she must be a liar & burnt at the stake for not prioritising a dog’s address over her sanity & the resultant stability of the family.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Could the people who've had puppies please tell other people how hard it is, I know a lot of 'dog people' who tell me to get one - my sister - a self described crazy dog lady - is a particular pest and even says to my children "tell mummy you want a dog for your next birthdays" she makes it sound like a walk in the park, tells me she'll help me, it's so rewarding etc.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers I'm it stupid! And I actually dislike dogs in general. But if I was a dog person and perhaps less cynical astute then I'd easily be persuaded.

I feel you. My post above describes my current cat. My mum (who knows better as she had Siamese for years) keeps telling me that the cat is lonely and he needs a companion. Perhaps that is true. She says she would be happy to look after the new (unknown, and not even yet considered) cat, but not the current one because he is odd. She has met him twice due to lockdown. She looked after my last cat very willingly (and I was very grateful). But she wont stop going on about it. (I have the one - its a struggle - situation hasnt changed, so right now, I am not going to be adopting another one.) I would pass vetting, but I know it would be too much. I am also cynical - much prefer astute - but pressure from others can be quite relentless.

[quote Mittens030869]@HollyCarrot

Mental health can interfere with your decision making, I know that. But when you have DC, you have a responsibility to get it right. If you know that your MH issues are making it hard to make rational decisions, then you should talk decisions through with someone close to you, or get professional support.

Sometimes it means that a change in medication is necessary.

I know that some people can't make rational decisions at all; my DB is like that sadly. But he can't function at all and wouldn't be able to hold down a job or bring up a family.

This doesn't appear to be the case with the OP's friend, although obviously we don't have enough information to really know if that's the case.[/quote]
I can't function too well. I have a child. I hate the way I am but I'm here, my daughter is here, and I have to do my best for her. It's very fucking hard though. And there is no responsibility in getting medication right unless you're a doctor.

I'm not saying that it's your responsibility to get the medication right yourself and I apologise if I gave that impression. (I've been on medication for years so I know that that is the responsibility of a doctor). But the doctor can only do that if I ask for help. I know when I'm struggling and it is my responsibility to ask for help when I need it. Although I'm fortunate in that my DH will say something if he can see that I'm not in a good place.

Another thing we're responsible for is to be honest with medical professionals about how much we're struggling. Because after all they're not mind readers and therefore they base their assessment on what we tell them.

Once again, it depends on the level of your MH issues. My DB isn't capable at all of that level of response. But thankfully he isn't a father, so he only has himself to think about.

This is an issue I'm having to grapple with right now, because of the challenges faced by my (adopted) DD1 (11). She has SEN and attachment issues, and she also had a head injury in foster care before she came to us at age 1. She did 10 sessions of therapy last year and they diagnosed her with PTSD and anxiety.

I know that life is going to be hard for her compared to her younger sister (8). All too often she'll say that she can't help any of it because of 'the bump on her head'. And it's true that she has very little control of her impulses. However, she is better than she was, which gives us some encouragement.

Yes, I’ve made mistakes. Not mistakes where I take responsibility for another creature without thinking it through and then giving up after 4 weeks.