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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

286 replies

ChristmasIvy · 17/12/2020 17:46

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

OP posts:
Brighterthansunflowers · 17/12/2020 20:25

She was very stupid to get the puppy in the first place, clearly without having done much research.

But the best thing for the dog is to give it back to the breeder who can find a new home for it while it’s still young.

Xmassprout · 17/12/2020 20:26

She did the wrong thing in the first place, but to be honest, many people underestimate how difficult puppies can actually be.

But then she did the right thing returning it. Surely that is better than it not getting the right care?

Tsubasa1 · 17/12/2020 20:27

YABU lots of people can't cope with puppies, and you truly don't realise how hard it's going to be until you have one!

Truelymadlydeeplysomeonesmum · 17/12/2020 20:29

The main thing I wouldn't talk to her over was getting a puppy for Christmas. Let alone as a gift for children. That is irresponsible. There are enough campaigns explaining why.

Secondly in general puppies are a new family member you don't just had them back when they are more work than you thought. However in cases like this she did the right thing. Couldn't cope and is obviously a idiot. So the puppy is better off going back to breeder and getting a decent home.

Finally it is horrid that she has upset her children. However I am sure like all children they will get over it. One day they may also realise that animals are not gifts. Obviously not there fault at the moment they think that because kids leave example.

ScalpHelp · 17/12/2020 20:29

I think your language is derogatory towards those with mental health concerns. Apparently someone on the verge of a nervous breakdown is selfish, cruel and giving up too easily Confused dread to think what you’d say if she god forbid, hurt herself! At least she’s taking steps to address her stressors before it gets too late?

ChaoticGouda · 17/12/2020 20:30

Although it's generally ill-advised to give puppies or other animals as Christmas presents (unless you know what you're doing and are sure the one receiving them is clued-up on animal welfare) it's good that she's at least putting the welfare of a helpless puppy over the wants of her children.

It's just a shame they'd all gotten attached before the pup was given away :[

I hope your friend is getting support, it sounds like she's going through a really rough time right now.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 17/12/2020 20:31

I can’t be around people like that, definitely couldn’t be friends with her. How sad for her children. The puppy will hopefully end up with someone who is realistic about the work involved and be loved. I really think people should need to go through some kind of test to be allowed animals. 😡

AlternativePerspective · 17/12/2020 20:33

It’s entirely possible to acknowledge though that giving the puppy back is the best thing for the puppy, while at the same time judging someone for buying a living animal as a plaything and then getting rid of it when it turns out not to be the plaything she ordered.

Yes, it’s best for the puppy, best that it doesn’t have such an awful owner who has no consideration for what she is doing when buying an impulse puppy.

AlternativePerspective · 17/12/2020 20:36

I think your language is derogatory towards those with mental health concerns. Apparently someone on the verge of a nervous breakdown is selfish, cruel and giving up too easily I think “on the verge of a nervous breakdown” is a phrase which is vastly overused, and that everyone claims to have “mental health issues” in order to justify any unacceptable action.

ShoesCoatandBag · 17/12/2020 20:42

Four weeks after we got our puppy, my mental health was through the floor. I’d lost 1.5 stone in weight I couldn’t eat or sleep. I could barely function.

I am now there proud (and relatively sane) owner of a 3 year old dog. I’m really chuffed that I didn’t give up but I would not judge anyone who did.

Puppies is hard.

ChronicallyCurious · 17/12/2020 20:58

YABU and none of your business. I hate it when people get puppies without thinking too, but at least she’s given it away now whilst it’s still a baby when it will easily get rehomed as opposed to in a year when it’s grown out of its “cute” phase.

dairyswim · 17/12/2020 21:01

I can't believe that people would disown friends for making a mistake. Some really harsh responses here.

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/12/2020 21:02

She mace a good decision for her mental health. This will benefit the children far more than a dog.

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/12/2020 21:03

I’ll just add that a friend of mine gave away her puppy when it was around a year old as she was on the brink of a breakdown trying to care for her child and a dog. Shockingly I didn’t have she her at all. Fancy that!

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/12/2020 21:03

*i didn’t judge her at all

Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 21:04

I would judge, but on the basis that she didn’t think through what having a puppy would involve. I personally would really hate it, but then again, I wouldn’t consider having one. (I don’t mind playful kittens, but they’re already trained to use the litter tray.)

Not only was she unfair to the puppy, she really shouldn’t have caused unnecessary upset to her DC by giving them a puppy and then taking it away. Far better to just say no to any requests for a puppy.

Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 21:10

@AlternativePerspective

I agree with you about the term ‘nervous breakdown’ being overused. It’s insulting to those of us who genuinely have MH issues.

PetertheWalrus · 17/12/2020 21:12

I admire her TBH. She decided not to make the poor animal's life hell and gave it another chance.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 17/12/2020 21:16

She did the best thing for the poor pup. Her kids abviously did not help and the poor woman was likely left to do it all by herself.
The pup will likely be rehomed with a new family who can better care for it so yabu.

Give your mate a break, she did the best thing

BuntysTwinkle · 17/12/2020 21:17

I admire her TBH

Admiration is going a bit far. This could all have been avoided had she thought about it properly first.

Pikachubaby · 17/12/2020 21:18

It’s no drama, it went back to the breeder, it’ll be snapped up

We got a “reject”, we are so grateful for her first family rejecting her as she’s a perfect fit for us (yet would have been miserable with them)

Pup will be ok

I’m hoping to find another “reject” next year when the puppy frenzy calms doen (maybe?)

It’s madness right now, pups going for 3-4K!!!

LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 21:20

I think some people underestimate what it's like to have a puppy - even when they have done all the research in the world.

Some people go into it with the best intentions in the world, but then the reality is very different to what they expected.

I think it's much kinder to rehome the puppy than keep it and have it in such a stressed-out environment or even worse resent it and treat it poorly.

The kids will get over it - perhaps they can have a pet that's much easier to deal with!

CattyP89 · 17/12/2020 21:23

It must be frustrating people do underestimate how much work and love a pup needs but her children will get over it. They need their mum at her best more than they will ever need a dog.
Put your feelings to one side and offer her support she’s reached out to you help her

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 17/12/2020 21:24

It just seems like she must have been ok 4 weeks ago to taken on a puppy. People often use the term nervous breakdown for these situations when what they really mean is ‘the puppy wees and poos in the house, wakes me up at night and if i go out for the day, it eats my furniture’. It’s too hard so they’re ‘having a nervous breakdown’. They’re not, they just can’t be arsed when they realise the puppy doesn’t just sit and look cute in the corner when they want to do their own thing. They’re pissed off and tired and don’t want to put the time in. Selfish arseholes.

Museumland · 17/12/2020 21:38

So your question is really that your friend has done something that you find essentially wrong, ill judged and unfair to her family. I don't think you are being unreasonable. There's been lots of comments about the puppy and the rights and wrongs of it. I think it's easy to use the words mental breakdown and not coping because we have in recent times become more sensitive to mental health issues, which is obviously a good thing. However, it also means that people are using this term more readily. I wonder how you would have felt if your friend had said, "I made a really big mistake, I hadn't thought this through, it's massively more demanding and exhausting than I thought " you might have thought her a bit daft but I would find it easier to understand because it is accepting responsibility for a poor decision and we all make poor decisions. So, in short I do understand how you feel and I don't think you are unreasonable.