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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

286 replies

ChristmasIvy · 17/12/2020 17:46

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 17/12/2020 19:25

Best thing for the puppy. She wasn't capable of looking after it. Dunno what she thought would happen though, did she think a puppy was easy? Bit of a stupid woman. Hopefully she doesn't decide to keep buying them and giving them back after a few weeks.

ApplestheHare · 17/12/2020 19:26

It sounds like she's done something very hard but best for the pup tbh. Better to give it back now while still young and will easily find another home than to keep it in the wrong home.

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 17/12/2020 19:27

My friend’s dogs had puppies and someone gave one back because they weren’t coping. Honestly so much better to do that than struggle on with a nervous and badly trained adult dog who can’t be easily rehomed. The puppy was quickly found a new home and is still very happy (from the owner’s Christmas update!) several years later.

Don’t be judgemental. The error was l in getting the puppy in the first place, but doubling down isn’t the answer for the dog or the humans involved.

Branleuse · 17/12/2020 19:32

Have you had a puppy OP?

1Morewineplease · 17/12/2020 19:32

I have a friend ( no longer close to) who thought a puppy would be ideal for her and her children.
Bought it before Christmas and thought that she'd have it trained by the time she went back to work in the new year. ( we were all aghast and said so.) she thought we were all wrong.

She went back to work and came home every day to a wild puppy who had destroyed something in the house.

It was rehomed after about six months.

She now wants another puppy as she felt that there might have been "something wrong" with the previous one.

This, alone, changed my view of her.

TibetanTerrier · 17/12/2020 19:33

YANBU. I am so sick of people jumping on the mental health bandwagon and using it as an excuse not to deal with anything the least bit difficult. People will be claiming their mental health is suffering because the corner shop doesn't have any wine gums soon. On the verge of a breakdown after 4 weeks with a puppy? Rubbish. How weak and pathetic, and what a terrible thing to do her kids. I'd never have forgiven my mother if she'd done that to me, and I wouldn't continue with an acquaintance like that because she'd have lost all my respect. I can't bear weak people.

DrManhattan · 17/12/2020 19:38

I would feel the same as you.

Newuseroftheweek · 17/12/2020 19:39

So much judgement in this thread. Your DH is right you don't know the full story.

I returned a kitten after a week once. Ripped my heart out, and my son was 4 at the time and still asks about it almost 2 years later. However, my now ex-husband was so angry about that poor little kitten I felt both it, and I, were not safe.

So, maybe ask your friend how she is, and worry less about the puppy and your judgement.

Kettler · 17/12/2020 19:39

Puppies are hard work. Really, really hard. Think 6 week-old baby. Constantly needing attention, care, day & night. You don’t sleep (not very well,) you’re exhausted, you need to attend to their needs relentlessly. Honestly, I think ppl should put more work into researching puppies before rushing ahead. It’s well-known that puppy owners hit a brick wall roundabout the 4 week mark - it’s make or break time.

For your “friend” it was break. Don’t judge her too harshly. It really isn’t for everyone

lockeddownandcrazy · 17/12/2020 19:43

I have to say if someone did this they would never be a friend of mine again as I would just see their philosphy on animals as too different to mine and my animals are really important to me so I could not be friends with someone who had the attitude that they are something to send back like that.

unmarkedbythat · 17/12/2020 19:44

@TibetanTerrier

YANBU. I am so sick of people jumping on the mental health bandwagon and using it as an excuse not to deal with anything the least bit difficult. People will be claiming their mental health is suffering because the corner shop doesn't have any wine gums soon. On the verge of a breakdown after 4 weeks with a puppy? Rubbish. How weak and pathetic, and what a terrible thing to do her kids. I'd never have forgiven my mother if she'd done that to me, and I wouldn't continue with an acquaintance like that because she'd have lost all my respect. I can't bear weak people.
I see very little genuine strength and certainly nothing to respect in that post. You would never have forgiven your mother for rehoming a pet of four weeks that she felt unable to provide sufficient care for? Putting it mildly, that's a somewhat overly dramatic response.
LilMidge01 · 17/12/2020 19:49

I'm more concerned that your concern is for her kids losing out on a christmas present rather than the overall welfare of the puppy. Your friend has done the right thing by the puppy by giving it back soon so it can be rehomed rather than ending up with a poorly treated older dog (as per the post above about the collie). Your friend has done the responsible thing rather then struggle on and ending up damaging herself and the dog in the long run. There's no shame in admitting you made a mistake and trying to correct it as soon as possible.

The long term welfare of the dog is more important than her kids being a bit upset about a puppy they will ahrdly remember soon. Some kids get nothing for Christmas....

AethelsWhiteGoose · 17/12/2020 19:50

It’s not great but better for the puppy in the long run. We have a rehomed dog who came to us at 6 months and she is now 5 and couldn’t be happier. Much better than if she’d stayed with the family who couldn’t cope with her.

But yes ideally, people shouldn’t get a puppy unless they were absolutely sure.

SelkieQualia · 17/12/2020 19:56

The "pet is for life " thing has gone too far, to the point where it's harmful to animals -people are shamed into keeping them when they are better off rehomed. As PP have pointed out, all the research in the world does not prepare you for the reality. People also don't react to challenges in the way they think they will. Responsible to rehome early, before pup learns bad habits.

Aloethere · 17/12/2020 19:56

She did the best thing for the puppy. They are so much responsibility and so much work. If she is struggling with her mental health right now I can see how a puppy might exacerbate the situation. I have 2 dogs one is 2 and the other 11months. The 11 month old is such a handful, if I didn't feel the bond I do with her it would be really difficult to put up with her shenanigans.

Fatas · 17/12/2020 20:06

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Didn’t she read the adverts

JurassicParkAha · 17/12/2020 20:06

How can you have more compassion for a puppy you've never even met, than a long time friend with MH problems?

Would you be as judgemental if she was getting divorced, asking why she got married in the first place without doing all the research into how hard it is, and that she gave up too easily? Would you judge her for having an abortion, because she used an old condom - how could she be so selfish? Would you judge her for quitting a job after a few months because she hated it?

So why are you judging her, for wanting to do a good thing by adopting a puppy, realising early doors it was impacting her MH problems, and instead of forcing the puppy to stay in a home that couldn't care for it, gave it back so it could re-homed?

Something to think about - if there's a tragedy in your life, it would be your friend who would support you, and help you, and give you a place to stay, listen for hours while you cry down the phone. Not the puppy. Obviously animal deserve kindness and compassion, but not to the extent you put them over a friend's health. I really hope you have friends who don't judge you the next time you're struggling.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/12/2020 20:07

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present

Are you not shocked and distraught that this poor animal was bought as a toy for children and then returned as if it was faulty?

Probably best for the puppy, let’s be honest.

Agree with both of the above comments.

And what's the betting that your friend's children promised they would clean up after the puppy, and feed it, and take it for walks, and then just played with it, got bored and ignored it, and left all of the actual work to mum?

A dog is hard work and a huge commitment for an average of 12 years.

The puppy is still very young - he will more easily settle into a new home. You said she has "given him back" - presumably to the breeder. She hasn't stuck him on Gumtree or some such site where she doesn't know or care where he ends up.

She's done the right thing - for everyone.

BabyLlamaZen · 17/12/2020 20:08

Have you had a puppy? I think a lot of people are very shocked by what it entails. Sounds like it was for the best. A shame she didn't think it through.

Daphnise · 17/12/2020 20:13

You friend is thoughtless and rather stupid, but has in fact done the right thing.

Maybe next it will be her children she gives away!

funinthesun19 · 17/12/2020 20:15

The idea of having a pet might seem like unicorns and rainbows, but a couple of weeks in the reality of it could be very different. She had the puppy for 4 WEEKS. It’s hardly a catastrophe.

She is doing the best thing for her children in protecting her mental health. You might not see it that way, but her mental health is more important than carrying on with a pet just for the sake of it. If you have a pet surely your mind and heart needs to be in it 100%. Her children will just have to accept it.

TellingBone · 17/12/2020 20:17

Bad for her mental health in this case probably means 'too much like hard work'.

Signalbox · 17/12/2020 20:22

YABU have you never made a mistake?

Meredithgrey1 · 17/12/2020 20:23

Would you think it better for her to keep a dog she no longer wanted, or felt she could properly care for? Who would that benefit? Certainly not the dog.
Obviously it’s not great, and is an example of why people should do their research properly before getting a pet, but once they’ve got the pet, it’s better for everyone if it goes to a home where it will be wanted.

RincewindsHat · 17/12/2020 20:25

It's so much better that she gave the puppy back once she realised she'd bitten off more than she could chew than keep it and struggle on in a situation where she wouldn't be happy and couldn't give the puppy what it needed.

Sometimes I think people should have to answer a quiz before they buy an animal - do you understand what your likely new reality is, do you understand an animal is not a toy you can take out of a crate to play with and put back in to stay there silently til you next want to play with it, etc. Might prevent so many idiots paying thousands for a cute puppy they can post on Instagram when they have no idea how much work is involved caring for a pet.

Your friend did the right thing though - better for it to be rehomed now as a puppy then 6 months down the line where it has behavioural issues and struggles to be rehomed as a problem dog.

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