He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

Yanbu. If he wanted to be divorced, he would be.

Yes, call it off. I'm sorry but the ball is firmly in his court. And you are worth so much more x

Have you asked him why he hasn't started divorce proceedings?

Does he know what his ex said to you?

Does he know how much upset this is causing you?

Sounds like her message was accurate rather than spiteful.

Did they sort out their finances when they split? Because otherwise you don't just share a house with your DP...

Why hasn’t he started the proceedings? After two years I really don’t know what excuses there could be.
Sorry OP, people who want to get divorced will do it.

@Delgjs

Sounds like her message was accurate rather than spiteful.

Quite.

OP, does she want to divorce him? Is he dragging his feet? You're closest, so you'll know best which it is - is she unreasonable, or is she simply frustrated and fed up?

What is legally separated?

Is he aware that you are left in a precarious position if something happened to him?

Sorry not being rude but what were you thinking getting engaged when hes not even divorced?

What’s his excuse for not getting on with it?

It doesn’t sound like he’s very keen to marry you I’m afraid

YANBU to call it off but do it and mean it, don’t just use it as an ultimatum and then nothing actually changes

Calling off an engagement is neither here nor there. Legally it means nothing.

No, she doesn't want him to divorce her, I don't know why.

He knows what she said to me, he said to block and ignore her.

He eventually started divorce proceedings, then when they couldn't agree on the terms he let it slide. It will be expensive to sort but we are ok financially and could manage.

He never gets around to it. I feel like telling him not to bother on my behalf as even if he does it now I don't want to get married anymore.

Just tell him he needs to find a new address as you aren't going into 2021 living with someone else's dh...

@CherryDocsInYrBalls

What is legally separated?

They have a legal separation agreement. We live in Ireland. There was a law which said couples had to be separated for four years before they could start divorce proceedings. Many couples get a legal separation through the courts in the interim.

she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now.

She might be right. Why hasn't he divorced her yet?

If you set a deadline, or else the engagement/marriage is off, you must be 100% be prepared to stick to it.

Sorry but an engagement is not really an engagement if he's not free to marry - if he is serious about it, he needs to sort it out.

I would be seeing a solicitor because you are in a potentially very precarious position regarding your home. I'm shocked that you purchased a home and had a child with a married man, honestly.

What is stopping him? Does he even know?

It is two ends of the same string though isn’t it. A divorce and a marriage I mean. Maybe he is more traumatised than he recognises from the marriage itself ending..? Is that a possibility?

I know people will say if he wants to be divorced he will be divorced... but not all men are cut from the same cloth. There’s something behind his inertia that may have nothing to do with you at all and you need to know what it is. I suggest a brisk walk. No, I’m joking. I suggest a gun to his head. No, joking! I suggest you talk to him or drag him off to a therapist for one last attempt at getting through to him on how much this bothers you.

@Greydove28

Sorry not being rude but what were you thinking getting engaged when hes not even divorced?

I thought as he was legally separated it was just a matter of him filing the paperwork - this is what he told me. But his ex wants to change the terms of the separation which make the divorce less straightforward - not unsurmountable though if he was bothered.

They have a legal separation agreement. We live in Ireland. There was a law which said couples had to be separated for four years before they could start divorce proceedings. Many couples get a legal separation through the courts in the interim.

Does that offer legal protection? If he dies is she automatically entitled to a portion of his estate for example? Does it protect your house?

How old are the teens?

If he has legal protection from her and he’s got a 15yo, 17yo and 19yo that’s a bit different from a man with three young kids and zero protection to your home if anything happens to him

Not entirely sure due to your location, but even if he is legally separated wouldn’t he still be married? He isn’t divorced, therefore you aren’t legally engaged. If you could be legally engaged then you could be legally married, and that isn’t the case.

@Aquamarine1029

I would be seeing a solicitor because you are in a potentially very precarious position regarding your home. I'm shocked that you purchased a home and had a child with a married man, honestly.

Very helpful to hear that you are shocked, thanks.

@PatsyJStone

Not entirely sure due to your location, but even if he is legally separated wouldn’t he still be married? He isn’t divorced, therefore you aren’t legally engaged. If you could be legally engaged then you could be legally married, and that isn’t the case.

There’s no such thing as legally engaged? There’s no legal contract or obligation in it