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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is still not divorced

432 replies

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 19:42

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

OP posts:
Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:04

@PatsyJStone

Not entirely sure due to your location, but even if he is legally separated wouldn’t he still be married? He isn’t divorced, therefore you aren’t legally engaged. If you could be legally engaged then you could be legally married, and that isn’t the case.
Yes he's legally married, this is my issue. What's legally engaged? He asked me to marry him, I said yes, we set a date and I wear a diamond ring on my engagement finger. Was I supposed to inform the authorities?
OP posts:
PicsInRed · 16/12/2020 20:06

Very helpful to hear that you are shocked, thanks.

I would imagine the poster means the potential to lose part of the home to his divorce. As he is married, your home is part of the marital pot for division.

I'm also horrified for you - from a purely financial perspective.

AlternativePerspective · 16/12/2020 20:06

Sorry but I don’t understand why anyone would get engaged to and have a child with someone who is still married.

Doesn’t matter whether he has a separation agreement, he’s not free to marry you so the engagement is essentially null and void anyway.

SecretIdentitee · 16/12/2020 20:06

Does he have a legal separation (where they both agreed terms) or a judicial separation (terms agreed by court)? If court agreed the divorce is really just a paper (and cost) exercise and there isn't much to hold it up, all pension, housing, assets should be already agreed. Are you sure they have a proper separation agreement and not just agreed mutual terms which would need to be revisited in case of divorce?

MargosKaftan · 16/12/2020 20:07

Another saying you need legal advice- if hes not divorced, you don't just own a house with him.

You are living with a man who's married to someone else. She is his next of kin. If the finances aren't separated yet, she has a claim on his assets that includes your home.

Thankssomuch · 16/12/2020 20:08

Basically I have found that in life, people do what they want to do. He doesn’t want to get divorced.

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:08

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry but I don’t understand why anyone would get engaged to and have a child with someone who is still married.

Doesn’t matter whether he has a separation agreement, he’s not free to marry you so the engagement is essentially null and void anyway.

Ok so what do you suggest I do now? Build a time machine?
OP posts:
nancybotwinbloom · 16/12/2020 20:08

@MargosKaftan does that mean when and if he divorces then the wife has a claim on his/their current home?

PicsInRed · 16/12/2020 20:10

[quote nancybotwinbloom]@MargosKaftan does that mean when and if he divorces then the wife has a claim on his/their current home?[/quote]
Yes. Potentially.

lyralalala · 16/12/2020 20:11

[quote nancybotwinbloom]@MargosKaftan does that mean when and if he divorces then the wife has a claim on his/their current home?[/quote]
It depends entirely on the detail of his legal separation and how watertight it is

Ginfordinner · 16/12/2020 20:11

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry but I don’t understand why anyone would get engaged to and have a child with someone who is still married.

Doesn’t matter whether he has a separation agreement, he’s not free to marry you so the engagement is essentially null and void anyway.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I agree with Alternative. Are you financially independent?
lyralalala · 16/12/2020 20:11

Please tell me that as well as the legal separation (and hopefully it’s proper and complete) he has a will?

Strangedayindeed · 16/12/2020 20:11

Op, I’m trying to be nicer in my messages but I’m a bit flabbergasted, why did you agree to get engaged before he got divorced!? It’s just so silly.

Leaannb · 16/12/2020 20:12

@Heisstillnotdivorced....You can kiss your house good bye for starters. She has a legal claim to it.

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:12

@SecretIdentitee

Does he have a legal separation (where they both agreed terms) or a judicial separation (terms agreed by court)? If court agreed the divorce is really just a paper (and cost) exercise and there isn't much to hold it up, all pension, housing, assets should be already agreed. Are you sure they have a proper separation agreement and not just agreed mutual terms which would need to be revisited in case of divorce?
It's a proper separation agreement, I helped with all the paperwork when he initially filed his divorce.

She now wants to change the terms so it isn't a case of simply filing paperwork. He needs to go back to court. It will be expensive. If he agrees to her terms it will be very expensive.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 16/12/2020 20:12

[quote nancybotwinbloom]@MargosKaftan does that mean when and if he divorces then the wife has a claim on his/their current home?[/quote]
Yes she does

JohnMcClane · 16/12/2020 20:13

OP he needs to pull his finger out, all this CBA business hurts you and your child.

A marriage contract is not just a piece of paper its a legally binding contract and him being married to someone else is a problem for you.

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:13

[quote Leaannb]@Heisstillnotdivorced....You can kiss your house good bye for starters. She has a legal claim to it.[/quote]
Shall I just sign it over to her now and delay the inevitable?

OP posts:
Beenaboutabit · 16/12/2020 20:14

@lyralalala

Please tell me that as well as the legal separation (and hopefully it’s proper and complete) he has a will?
Exactly what I was thinking- if he hasn't got an updated will, you really need him to make one immediately then get down to a solicitor to make it binding.
lyralalala · 16/12/2020 20:14

[quote Leaannb]@Heisstillnotdivorced....You can kiss your house good bye for starters. She has a legal claim to it.[/quote]
Have you seen the separation agreement to state that as fact?

The OP doesn’t need opinions. She needs facts. If he has a proper legal separation in Ireland then the house could very well be protected

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:15

@JohnMcClane

OP he needs to pull his finger out, all this CBA business hurts you and your child.

A marriage contract is not just a piece of paper its a legally binding contract and him being married to someone else is a problem for you.

Hence my upset. I'm too annoyed now by the whole circus, it has dragged on so long that I feel like leaving them to it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:16

He has a Will and a life insurance policy looking after our daughter and I.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 16/12/2020 20:17

Since he's not divorced he can't marry you, so you might as well call off the meaningless "engagement ".

Leaannb · 16/12/2020 20:17

@Heisstillnotdivorced....No. Just sell it so she can get half of his half

nancybotwinbloom · 16/12/2020 20:17

Can he sign the whole mortgage to you op?

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