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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is still not divorced

432 replies

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 19:42

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

OP posts:
Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 19/12/2020 19:56

@crosstalk

Hi OP sorry for your situation and frustration. there was a PP up above who had read through the separation/divorce stuff in Ireland and one thing struck me from her post and yours - yours that his separation settlement takes his and his wife's children to 25. The other that divorce courts in Ireland shilly shally if the wife is not "settled" - and you have said that while she has a partner she is currently not welcome to live with him (though the PP did say the courts took into account the husband's situation and commitments). How would you be placed financially if you gave him the heave-ho? how would your child be placed? Would he move back in with her? I wish you all the very best of luck.
Thanks a mil for this, you raise good points. I'm not too sure I fully understand your queries, I will read again and revert when my hands aren't so full.

I will say though that I would be absolutely stunned if he wanted to go back with his ex. I don't have a crystal ball but genuinely feel it is the last place on earth he would want to be. In my current humour I might wish him well however...

OP posts:
Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 19/12/2020 19:57

@Hellotheresweet

All the best Op Such a strong woman on this thread....
Goodbye there sweet
OP posts:
ScienceSensibility · 19/12/2020 21:57

Hey OP

I’ve read the whole thread now, for what my view is worth I don’t think you’ve been rude or aggressive.
You’ve matched your reply to a given poster with the tone and content of theirs.
Some very harsh remarks from others, making them sound so smug “ Oh I would never make such a mistake...”

Anyway, OP I think you summed up the issue quite early on, when you noted that, if he was willing to cause you this level of distress over something he could fix, it doesn’t augur well for your long term relationship. He just doesn’t care enough to avoid this pain for you.

I think you would be right to focus on this aspect during your discussions with him. You sound great, sassy and funny, and you’ve clearly acted in good faith towards him.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you.

dysoncansuckit · 20/12/2020 00:32

Wow this thread just went from Mumsnet Crazy to absolutely fucking batshit crazy. Lady F needs a Facebook account so she can abuse randoms and get into bunfights.

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 20/12/2020 09:43

@crosstalk

Hi OP sorry for your situation and frustration. there was a PP up above who had read through the separation/divorce stuff in Ireland and one thing struck me from her post and yours - yours that his separation settlement takes his and his wife's children to 25. The other that divorce courts in Ireland shilly shally if the wife is not "settled" - and you have said that while she has a partner she is currently not welcome to live with him (though the PP did say the courts took into account the husband's situation and commitments). How would you be placed financially if you gave him the heave-ho? how would your child be placed? Would he move back in with her? I wish you all the very best of luck.
Hi,

Sorry for the delayed response. I went back to read those posts you were talking about. I found them quite reassuring when I read them.

It doesn't look like she is in a great position to change the terms of their separation. She made some big demands. I think (hope) he will realise this when he goes to his consultation.

Financially, all three of us are fine even if we are all apart.

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 20/12/2020 10:24

@Heisstillnotdivorced also his solicitor should be all over this and the terms of their agreement - perhaps take some of the stress out of it for him.

5475878237NC · 25/05/2021 04:22

Hi OP

How are things panning out?

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