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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is still not divorced

432 replies

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 19:42

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 16/12/2020 20:17

No OP, but you need legal advice. Not just him.

It could be she's right, or it could be he wants to be divorced, but is too lazy to do it, or is too weak to do it knowing it'll involve upsetting his ex. Or he knows its going to be tough and is burying his head in the sand about it until forced to deal with it.

None of these reasons are particularly good traits to have in a partner.

But first things first, point out to him the mess that you two buying a house together when he's not got his divorce sorted could have caused to you , he's not just fucking up things for himself now. Get some advice as it might be ok and we are worrying you for no reason.

It doesn't look like he's going to put you and your dc first, so you need to make sure you secure yours and your child's future and finances as much as possible.

Saharafordessert · 16/12/2020 20:18

Op, please seek good legal INDEPENDENT advice, away from him. Protect you and your child before you even worry about how ‘real’ your engagement is. It’s time to toughen up I’m afraid.

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:19

@Strangedayindeed

Op, I’m trying to be nicer in my messages but I’m a bit flabbergasted, why did you agree to get engaged before he got divorced!? It’s just so silly.
Then I guess I'm silly. The ring was so pretty plus I knew we would get loads of engagement presents.
OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 16/12/2020 20:19

You are coming across quite snappy and aggressive. Reality is you own a home and have a child with someone who is married. If he divorces the she is entitled to her share, if he dies she is entitled to his share. You and your daughter don't feature as far as the law is concerned.

pinkdragons · 16/12/2020 20:19

He can't have wanted to get divorced. If he'd have wanted to do it he would have. Same for her.

justanotherremainer · 16/12/2020 20:20

This thread is a great example of people assuming that the legal stuff OP talks about is English.

Ireland is a separate legal jurisdiction and the marriage / separation / divorce laws will be different to what most posters know ( assuming most posters are based in England).

Thatwentbadly · 16/12/2020 20:20

@Delgjs

Sounds like her message was accurate rather than spiteful.
I agree.
Jenifirtree · 16/12/2020 20:21

This is a ridiculous situation to end up in. And stop blaming his wife. This is on him.

TonMoulin · 16/12/2020 20:22

He can’t get married with you if he still married.
Maybe what he needs is for a date to be set in the close ish future to get married. That might focus his attention.

lemonsquashie · 16/12/2020 20:22

Hi OP

I would discuss with your partner rather than on this forum.

The advice given on MN for any relationship problem, no matter how small, is to leave/divorce/separate

Oh and the you're screwed financially lecture is another good one

You have a mortgage and child so presumably want to save your relationship and feel that it's worth saving

Good luck

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:23

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

You are coming across quite snappy and aggressive. Reality is you own a home and have a child with someone who is married. If he divorces the she is entitled to her share, if he dies she is entitled to his share. You and your daughter don't feature as far as the law is concerned.
I guess I am snappy yes. I am seriously considering leaving the father of my child because I am so sick of his lack of organisation and general chaos.

I don't live in the UK. His ex has no claim to our house, I got legal advice before we purchased.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 16/12/2020 20:24

The ring was so pretty plus I knew we would get loads of engagement presents.

I have no words.

MargosKaftan · 16/12/2020 20:24

Oh sorry hadn't clicked that you are in Ireland.

Still, advice remains the same you should go get some legal advice about where you stand.

Hes not putting you and your DC first, you must.

Also think carefully about what sort of man he is, "just ignore it and hope it sorts itself out" is not a good way to deal with a problem.

VinylDetective · 16/12/2020 20:24

@JanetPudding

Did they sort out their finances when they split? Because otherwise you don't just share a house with your DP...
I was just thinking this. Won’t his half of the house be a marital asset?
Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:25

@Jenifirtree

This is a ridiculous situation to end up in. And stop blaming his wife. This is on him.
I missed where I blamed his wife. I'm not considering breaking up with her. I wasn't actually involved with her, she is not really my type.
OP posts:
justanotherremainer · 16/12/2020 20:26

Sorry OP but the duff amateur legal advice is coming thick and fast on this thread.

Either that, or posters are telling you stupid you are, which is it helpful.

I suggest you vanish from the thread and book a proper consultation with a specialist in family / divorce las in Ireland. ASAP.

Good luck and I hope all is not lost Flowers

treening · 16/12/2020 20:26

I have no words.

How do people still not get sarcasm?

MrDarcyismines · 16/12/2020 20:27

I could be wrong but I sense your quite a bit younger than him?

Imo, you moved to fast. A baby, house & engagement all in 4 years! I'm guessing you knew from the beginning he was still married so you should have made it clear to him to get a divorce before you set up life with him. We all have to live and learn. Big mistake.

treening · 16/12/2020 20:27

Imo, you moved to fast. A baby, house & engagement all in 4 years! I'm guessing you knew from the beginning he was still married so you should have made it clear to him to get a divorce before you set up life with him

What wonderful advice!

justanotherremainer · 16/12/2020 20:27

is not helpful

Original poster
Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 20:31

@TonMoulin

He can’t get married with you if he still married. Maybe what he needs is for a date to be set in the close ish future to get married. That might focus his attention.
I suspect you are right about this. We have a date for the wedding and bookings are made, deposits paid but it's far away (2022). This was my decision for reasons totally unrelated to any of this that I won't get into here.

I worry he will drag his feet until it's all done in a big stressful rush approaching the date. I really resent that he thinks this is ok. I don't like that he isn't prioritising getting it sorted out despite it being expensive and inconvenient. Also I would like to enjoy the engagement and wedding plans knowing all this drama has been dealt with.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 16/12/2020 20:31

Op - don't do the set a wedding date thing- if he does try to sort the divorce, if his ex knows he's got a wedding date you know she'll stall so it is missed.

Just have a proper conversation, does he want to be married to you? If so, he has to divorce his ex. He can leave it a month, a year, 4 years, but whenever he does it, it will be painful. If he leaves it too long, you'll lose all respect for him.

Make him tell you why he's not doing it is it laziness? Is it fear of how hideous it will be? Is it he still loves her? Is it a convenient excuse to avoid marrying you?

We can't tell you. You know there's no "nice" reason.

Ask him. Don't let him dodge the answer by saying he'll sort it "soon".

GinNotGym19 · 16/12/2020 20:31

Recently divorced here!
Really the only thing you can do is see a solicitor, or get free advice from somewhere like the money advisory service, cab or the equivalent of where you are.
I do think posts questioning why you got engaged etc when he wasn’t divorced are slightly silly, it’s by the by, happened now. Nothing you can do about it except get advice on the legal separation and way forward.

LunaMuffinTop · 16/12/2020 20:32

YANBU op I wish my sister would wake up and realise the same thing and call off the engagement unless her useless cockwomble dp sorts out his divorce but she never will she still thinks one day they will get married even her 7 year old DD knows it’s all just a pipe dream not sure whether to feel sorry for my sister or tell her to stop being stupid.

MargosKaftan · 16/12/2020 20:33

Oh god seen you already have a wedding date! That's not spured him on?!

I'd give him 2 months then. He's either restarted divorce proceedings by valentines, or you are cancelling the wedding and considering your future. You can't let him leave it to drag on. There is no reason he can't just get on with it.