He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

@KatySun

I am presuming when you say they have a legal separation, you mean a minute of agreement drawn up by solicitors, witnessed and lodged with the court?

Yes

You have a child together - and he still didn’t get divorced. Not even during your pregnancy. Wow!

You buy a house together, and he is still not divorced? She’s next of kin, not you. Have you thought about his portion of the house he owns? How on earth could you buy a house and he’s still not divorced?

Sorry but your engagement does not mean anything as he’s not divorced. He cannot marry you until he is. Yet he’s still not divorced

What does this tell you?

Sorry to be blunt

@HotGlueGun

I can totally understand your frustration. I have an OH a bit like this. Struggle to galvanise him into action about some really quite important stuff and have to practically have a breakdown before he will sort the thing he needs to do. Just fucking do it already!

I think you need to follow through and demonstrate that you absolutely mean business. If he doesn't stop being avoidant and finalise the divorce then you will finalise your relationship. Good luck, op.

Thanks.

It had gotten to the stage now that it's not just his intention that is bothering me. It's the fact he is fine with causing me this much distress.

Do I actually want to marry him if it's going to be a life surrounded by chaos, procrastination and let's face generally maddening behaviour.

I remember when I was pregnant we wanted to organise a holiday. It kept not getting booked because he kept talking about 'sitting down and sorting out dates'. Finally it got to the stage I was too far gone to fly ( I had a complicated pregnancy). He definitely wanted to go on that holiday, he just couldn't coordinate his calendar between work, his ex and his kids. So from then on I took over all the arranging and that worked much smoother.

I know if I somehow could deal with this he would be delighted. If I booked the solicitor, did all the paperwork and managed the finances. But it's his mess.

I don't know if I want a lifetime of dealing with this rubbish.

@FindHungrySamurai
Not normally a huge fan of people being engaged to someone else’s spouse (looking at you Carrie Symonds)
Carrie Symonds did the same as Marina Wheeler, Marina married Boris 5 weeks after the annulment of his marriage to Allegra and Marina was 7 months pregnant. Why blame Carrie?

Seriously OP. I personally couldn’t deal with all that crap. He doesn’t sound like a proper adult at all.

You can’t just ostrich your way through life.

@ILoveYoga

You have a child together - and he still didn’t get divorced. Not even during your pregnancy. Wow!

You buy a house together, and he is still not divorced? She’s next of kin, not you. Have you thought about his portion of the house he owns? How on earth could you buy a house and he’s still not divorced?

Sorry but your engagement does not mean anything as he’s not divorced. He cannot marry you until he is. Yet he’s still not divorced

What does this tell you?

It tells me you can't read. Wow!

Sorry to be blunt.

@Piglet89

Seriously OP. I personally couldn’t deal with all that crap. He doesn’t sound like a proper adult at all.

You can’t just ostrich your way through life.

This is how I feel.

He asked me to marry him, I said yes, we set a date and I wear a diamond ring on my engagement finger

He asked you to marry him to pacify you. You can't arrange a date to marry someone who is married already. He did it to keep you happy.

Under English law you would be utterly stuffed. Hopefully you have taken local advice and are protected under Irish law of which I have no knowledge whatsoever..

@snookercue

He asked me to marry him, I said yes, we set a date and I wear a diamond ring on my engagement finger

He asked you to marry him to pacify you. You can't arrange a date to marry someone who is married already. He did it to keep you happy.

Well you better tell the venue, the registrar and the courts that have all been informed that he is legally separated and intending to remarry. They are all fine with it but I'm sure they will be interested in your perspective.

Honestly, though, I can’t believe how rude you’ve been to some who’ve posted on this thread.

I understand you’re angry with your fiancé for disrespecting you in this way, but we aren’t him.

@Heisstillnotdivorced
I’d worry that if he were to die suddenly, half of YOUR house would be owned by his wife(?)
This be my deepest concern.

He must have a reason for not wanting to sever ties, maybe he likes the thought of “ running” two women? Does he still feel connected to her in some weird way?

Look to protect your house in the event of his death.

Your are understandably annoyed at him, but you played a role in this too. It was good enough for you until it wasn’t. Getting engaged to someone who is married is like viewing a house you can’t afford- there’s nothing stopping you doing it but it’s ultimately pointless.

Well you better tell the venue, the registrar and the courts that have all been informed that he is legally separated and intending to remarry. They are all fine with it but I'm sure they will be interested in your perspective.

It's not me that's living with a man who is married to someone else. You are incredibly defensive OP but if you get past that there is a lot for you to think about on this thread.

OP I think you need to cancel the date for the wedding. If you’ve lost the deposit, its not the end of the wold, it was rather naive to set a date with someone who’s not legally free to marry.

Divorces like this are hell. I understand why he’s dreading it, if not why he can’t man up about it.

His ex-wife going for more of his assets is actually quite a major thing to deal with and it’s not impossible that that may be causing him to think twice about marrying you.

He may be thinking that if your relationship doesn’t work out either and some of his pension goes to you too etc, what will he have left.

If I had to give away a shedload of money to an ex I certainly wouldn’t be running into marriage with someone else.

But you cannot bully someone into marrying you. If you keep going you it could potentially destroy the relationship. For his part this procrastination could equally kill your respect for him. So you both have to be careful that this doesn’t turn into a bomb that blows up in both your faces.

Do I actually want to marry him if it's going to be a life surrounded by chaos, procrastination and let's face generally maddening behaviour.

I remember when I was pregnant we wanted to organise a holiday. It kept not getting booked because he kept talking about 'sitting down and sorting out dates'. Finally it got to the stage I was too far gone to fly ( I had a complicated pregnancy). He definitely wanted to go on that holiday, he just couldn't coordinate his calendar between work, his ex and his kids. So from then on I took over all the arranging and that worked much smoother.

OP, have you considered he could be autistic? Have you ever heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance?

It could explain the communication issues and why nothing seems to ever proceed. If he had PDA, even if he wanted something, if effort (or even agreement and a decision) was demanded of him, he'd then oppose it out of sheer anxiety in an attempt to control what feels uncontrollable.

Thanks piglet89 for the link. I will look at it tomorrow when I am not so tired. I am interested in the differences in the law, and how it works.

I don’t really understand how you can have a minute of agreement lodged in court, and then one party go back on it. But I think heisstillnotdivorced you are correct that your partner needs to speak to a lawyer and sort this out, the situation will not magically change by 2022.

OP, have you considered he could be autistic?

It took a while but here it fucking is

[quote oakleaffy]@Heisstillnotdivorced
I’d worry that if he were to die suddenly, half of YOUR house would be owned by his wife(?)
This be my deepest concern.

He must have a reason for not wanting to sever ties, maybe he likes the thought of “ running” two women? Does he still feel connected to her in some weird way?

Look to protect your house in the event of his death.[/quote]
I don't think he still feels connected to her. It isn't something I would have worried about or ever seen any other indication of. One can never be sure though I suppose.

His own family (as in his parents) are very very against divorce. That might impact his thinking perhaps.

The sad reality though is that I'm close to the stage where I really don't care what is behind his actions (or lack of actions).

I think reacting when you're angry is generally a bad idea so I'm probably going to just see what happens this week (he has told me he's dealing with it finally) and then see how I feel myself in a few weeks.

It’s true that the OP has been quite snappy with some posters on this thread. But honestly I can understand the frustration with the fact that there are a few posters who still don’t appear to have picked up the fact that Irish law is different from English law.

The OP is therefore not in danger of losing the house, as the ex-wife has no legal claim on it. The OP made sure of this when she bought the house with her partner. There has also been a judicial separation order lodged with the court.

I can understand her frustration at having to say this over and over again.

@snookercue took the words out of my mouth.

@snookercue

OP, have you considered he could be autistic?

It took a while but here it fucking is

It's not an attack on autism. It's a query on Pathological Demand Avoidance - and only because the post sounded a fair bit like it.

It's not an attack on autism. It's a query on Pathological Demand Avoidance - and only because the post sounded a fair bit like it.

It's bollocks is what it is. Every fucking time.

@Mittens030869 not everybody understands the legal difference between jurisdictions. Some have poor reading comprehension (which is irritating, but not a hanging offence).

No need for rudeness. Just disregard the irrelevant posts and stop having a go.