He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

I hope he does give the jam tomorrow but somehow, I can't see it. He knows you have got used to marge-you might cough and splutter over it as it's going down, but you swallow it nonetheless.

A couple more baby steps in January, as he'll know that will keep you dangling. That's been the pattern thus far.

When you gave him the ring, was he upset, breathing a sigh of relief or cracking on he was going to do something?

It would have been better to have told him that the house was going on the market at the end of January if he was still pissing about, taking you for a fool.

My mates been separated to her partner for 17 years and they are still not divorced! She wanted to years ago and he refused even though he had a partner. Now she don't care. He's engaged aswell 😂 no idea if she knows he is still married.

@LadyFelsham

I hope he does give the jam tomorrow but somehow, I can't see it. He knows you have got used to marge-you might cough and splutter over it as it's going down, but you swallow it nonetheless.

A couple more baby steps in January, as he'll know that will keep you dangling. That's been the pattern thus far.

When you gave him the ring, was he upset, breathing a sigh of relief or cracking on he was going to do something?

It would have been better to have told him that the house was going on the market at the end of January if he was still pissing about, taking you for a fool.

Thanks Lady Felching, I enjoyed that. Do you have a blog or anything that I could subscribe to?

In answer to your question when I gave him back the ring he beat his chest in excitement then ran around the garden three times whooping and cheering loudly. What do you think that means?

Mmmmm margarine.

@LadyFelsham

I hope he does give the jam tomorrow but somehow, I can't see it. He knows you have got used to marge-you might cough and splutter over it as it's going down, but you swallow it nonetheless.

A couple more baby steps in January, as he'll know that will keep you dangling. That's been the pattern thus far.

When you gave him the ring, was he upset, breathing a sigh of relief or cracking on he was going to do something?

It would have been better to have told him that the house was going on the market at the end of January if he was still pissing about, taking you for a fool.

Everyone can only do things in their own time though, and when it's right for them. I expect posting here was OP's first step in acknowledging the situation is not right to someone other than herself.

If @Givemetomorrowsjam believes her DP will make progress in January, a month really isn't a long time to wait in the context of the years she has already waited. If he doesn't crack on with finalising the divorce at that point, she will be more ready to take proactive steps to move on with her life.

Btw if anyone is still reading and changed to op only there are a couple of missing posts prior to the one before this where I had changed username and gave an update.

@LadyFelsham

I think it means what you know it means.

Anyway, you may take the advice I and others have offered on this thread or you may wipe it to your arse and continue being a gobshite-whatever makes you happy.

You've bought a house, you've had a baby and the man can't be arsed to get a divorce even though you're nearly on your knees begging, kissing his arse and then threatening and blackmailing him.

You think your have smart arsed answers but the reality is you're about as smart as a soft shite to have let yourself be laughed at in this way.

His wife kicked him out, has told you he won't ever really leave her and there you are, crawling to get the left-overs that she doesn't want and he'd rather be her leftover than your main event.

Glad you like the margarine-take care he doesn't wipe it to your arse, along with the ring and the empty promises.

Are you ok?

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

My mates been separated to her partner for 17 years and they are still not divorced! She wanted to years ago and he refused even though he had a partner. Now she don't care. He's engaged aswell 😂 no idea if she knows he is still married.

Oh god!!! I can see it...

Anyway will have to see what unfolds here now.

@WiseOwlWan

yeh, not just to this poster but so often on mumsnet, a poster realises that they need to reassess their life. Who can honestly say that they sail through life without ever needing to check the compass occasionally. Sorry for the metaphors! Mothers of young children, needing support and advice come to a board for mothers, and what they get back is 5 pages of respect my right to be smug, rude and judgmental'*

I was going to say, why post if that's all you've got, but I guess they need other people's crises and crossroads to feel good about themselves.

You’re right and it’s so depressing.

The OP is being hounded by Lady Felsham now. It might not bother OP but it bothers me. Vitriolic postings.

It bothers me too! What is wrong with people!

As a friend said to me when somebody was giving me the silent treatment and trying to exclude me from a group while fawning obsequiously over all the others, ''sometimes you're just the lightening rod for somebody else's inadequacy'' and that really struck a chord with me. This is it. Sometimes you have the bravery or the authenticity to put yourself out there and that holds a mirror up to others' lack of authenticity/bravery/strength.

You seem like a very angry woman. Why are you so angry?

That last sentence was to ladyF but I had meant to delete it. NO POINT.

* In answer to your question when I gave him back the ring he beat his chest in excitement then ran around the garden three times whooping and cheering loudly. What do you think that means*

Your sarcasm backfires OP as I think a fair few of us wouldn’t be surprised if that had have been his response. Or at least what he was doing internally.

You seem like a very angry woman. Why are you so angry?

I agree the OP does. However if I think I was in her relationship, I’d be angry.

Although for a short period of time because then.... I’d leave

@WiseOwlWan

That last sentence was to ladyF but I had meant to delete it. NO POINT.

gotcha re the final sentence.

@WiseOwlWan

It bothers me too! What is wrong with people!

As a friend said to me when somebody was giving me the silent treatment and trying to exclude me from a group while fawning obsequiously over all the others, ''sometimes you're just the lightening rod for somebody else's inadequacy'' and that really struck a chord with me. This is it. Sometimes you have the bravery or the authenticity to put yourself out there and that holds a mirror up to others' lack of authenticity/bravery/strength.

You seem like a very angry woman. Why are you so angry?

I agree - it’s been eye-opening how much people want to be spiteful - I’m not sure what it is they actually want from the OP? A mea culpa and some self-flagellation?

OP has been very honest about feeling hurt and disappointed and worried that she has misjudged her OH - that’s hard when you have a child together and are hoping for a future. She’s wondering if she’s made a big mistake - in return she is repeatedly told that she is an idiot and given incorrect advice on Irish law. Then same people are aghast that she is not simperingly grateful.

@Hellotheresweet

* In answer to your question when I gave him back the ring he beat his chest in excitement then ran around the garden three times whooping and cheering loudly. What do you think that means*

Your sarcasm backfires OP as I think a fair few of us wouldn’t be surprised if that had have been his response. Or at least what he was doing internally.

I think that says more about you that you would assume to know what took place.

OP,
I think the harsh replies that some give is because it can be so infuriating to read of good women being utterly played by men.

You sound as if you have had a wake up call in your head and are seeing him a bit more clearly which is good for you.

He's only a man.

You put yourself, your child and your needs front and centre.

Unfortunately men with this level of baggage, he has can end up being just too much trouble.

I think it's perfectly normal to find yourself turned off by all the faffing and flapping.

I like decisive, capable men, the type that you can depend on in a crisis.
I have always found that incredibly attractive.

I have always been a very goal driven person but that doesn't mean I dont want to have someone to depend on.

I really hope he steps up but even if he doesn't I think you will be ok, and it will be his loss.

Stay strong and don't be afraid of spelling out what you want and your deal breakers.

@billy1966

OP, I think the harsh replies that some give is because it can be so infuriating to read of good women being utterly played by men.

You sound as if you have had a wake up call in your head and are seeing him a bit more clearly which is good for you.

He's only a man.

You put yourself, your child and your needs front and centre.

Unfortunately men with this level of baggage, he has can end up being just too much trouble.

I think it's perfectly normal to find yourself turned off by all the faffing and flapping.

I like decisive, capable men, the type that you can depend on in a crisis.
I have always found that incredibly attractive.

I have always been a very goal driven person but that doesn't mean I dont want to have someone to depend on.

I really hope he steps up but even if he doesn't I think you will be ok, and it will be his loss.

Stay strong and don't be afraid of spelling out what you want and your deal breakers.

Thanks Billy you've pretty much summed it up.

I think that says more about you that you would assume to know what took place.

Doesn’t it just say that we make an assumption based on our interpretation of the information you have provided.
It may or may not be accurate
It may or may not be appealing to you

But it’s an interpretation of the info you have given.

It’s kind of what mumsnet is about really

I think it can be a bit tricky though because the OP says he’s a good father day to day and I think she said he was hands on and that stuff is really important and not (sadly) always the case! It just seems he’s ostriching this problem. The “just” in my last sentence diminishes how important that is, I know, but it’s a bit of a tight spot to be in.

@Hellotheresweet

*I think that says more about you that you would assume to know what took place.*

Doesn’t it just say that we make an assumption based on our interpretation of the information you have provided.
It may or may not be accurate
It may or may not be appealing to you

But it’s an interpretation of the info you have given.

It’s kind of what mumsnet is about really

Well I also post on Mumsnet so you don't have a monopoly there. In a million years I wouldn't tell somebody else what happened in their own home, what their partner is thinking or what is motivating him.

Context is always key, there is always more relevant information and the only way to find that out is to ask open questions (not like the ones lady F asked me where the options were if he was openly relieved or secretly). I wouldn't tell someone what happened because i know how shortsighted and unhelpful that is.

Lots of people love to behave as you have and ladyF too and then if they don't get their desired response they can trot out their tired old "oh you're too weak to accept the truth" rhetoric. These people are to be found everywhere, not just on MN so you're both in good company.

The happy reality is you are pretty easy to spot and disregard.

Hi OP sorry for your situation and frustration. there was a PP up above who had read through the separation/divorce stuff in Ireland and one thing struck me from her post and yours - yours that his separation settlement takes his and his wife's children to 25. The other that divorce courts in Ireland shilly shally if the wife is not "settled" - and you have said that while she has a partner she is currently not welcome to live with him (though the PP did say the courts took into account the husband's situation and commitments).
How would you be placed financially if you gave him the heave-ho? how would your child be placed? Would he move back in with her? I wish you all the very best of luck.

All the best Op
Such a strong woman on this thread....