I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

They're normally married to fully functioning adult men and don't feel the need to martyr themselves.

No one has “it all”. No women, no men. So stop chasing it because it doesn’t exist.

IME, they have a nanny.

They have cleaners and gardeners for point 5. And probably generally need less sleep so have more hours in the day

And a cleaner, gardener, housekeeper

I got divorced, working on the sex thing

I work with a few women at the top of their careers and their husbands really do as much as they do, with regards to the home and childcare.

Also, they can afford nannies/cleaners/other home help.

Enough money to outsource most of it

Exercise is not on your list, but helps! Also no 2 is hardly an onerous task and also no-one has it all

Unless one of you is at home full time, it’s very difficult to maintain a demanding career and impossible for both of you. The kind of flexibility you need with children isn’t compatible unless you have a lot of family help or vey flexible childcare like a nanny.

Partners who do 50pc of the physical and mental work of child raising

Outsourcing of tasks - cleaning, laundry, garden, nannies, night nannies etc

A confidence that children can grow up happy without having a mother tending to their every whim and that using high quality childcare is absolutely fine as is your children learning the world does not revolve around them.

A belief that their needs as an adult woman should not be entirely set aside and it is absolutely fine to spend some time doing things for themselves, be that seeing friends, sports, hobbies etc. That children benefit from seeing their mother identify and meet her own needs as well as their own.

You get divorced and split childcare 50/50 (or stay married and do this ) You outsource what you can to cleaners and nannies (and tutors if needed). You let go of what doesn’t matter, so I only see people socially (pre Covid) who I want to see, and my OH takes on half the load at home, it doesn’t matter if it’s not how I would do it, it gets it done.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4103669-Women-who-do-it-all-What-is-your-routine

Hope this worked...there was a thread on this just the other day!

Pay someone else to do the drudgery (cleaning, shopping, gardening, cooking).

Have a fully-functioning adult as their partner.

Not be a martyr in the early days and set boundaries for what they will and won’t put up with.

Social Media is a big fat lie and for every one of those Insta-perfect posts there will be tantrums, arguments, beans on toast, and chaos just out of sight.

I was told you can have it all, but you can’t have it all at the same time, and that is how I am expecting parenthood to go down.

I work for a couple like you describe.. I'm their nanny/housekeeper! I walk the dog, take it to vets/groomers, most of the washing, most of the menu planning, cooking, obviously everything to do with the kids when I'm there... But as PP say both parents are equally involved...

I agree, no one has it all because the maths simply don’t work. There’s a lot to be said for prioritising the things that matter to you.

I think ( from not unkindly intentioned) comments made by acquaintances, that I sometimes get viewed as one of these women who has it all. I’m not, by the way. Even on good days I feel like I’m playing infernal whack-a-mole, and my close friends know how hard it is at times.

But, in keeping a career vaguely ticking over, a lovely house and kids that are ( on the whole) quite nice, the following makes a big difference:

A strong relationship with a man (or woman) who shares the load
Enough money to throw at any issue that arises
Sufficient self esteem not to mind too much about what others think and to be able to laugh when it all goes tits up
Kind and non-judgemental lifelong friends who have your back

You let go of what doesn’t matter

This is such wise advice. So many women on MN complain about having to do stuff they don’t want to. Stopping doesn’t seem to occur to them.

Oh.. They also have a gardener and a cleaner...

Money

If anyone knows, tell me too please.

Being married to a man that believes in doing his share, and supports your career as much as his own.

I have a few friends and colleagues who are outperformers in every way. Big jobs, big houses, big family, marathon runners etc

Along with the supportive spouse and good health (neither of which I have) I think they all have very high levels of executive function. It’s in their very nature to manage themselves, their staff and their domestic responsibility efficiently. The other thing they all have in common is a willingness to rise very early. My boss wakes up at 5.30.

I dislike the phrase "have it all" because to me its a slightly loaded term that seems to be designed to punish women who want to have a job and children. No one asks whether men can or should "have it all". It's not about "having it all" its about the right to be in control of your financial destiny and have kids.

That said, I think the above list, ie

A strong relationship with a man (or woman) who shares the load
Enough money to throw at any issue that arises
Sufficient self esteem not to mind too much about what others think and to be able to laugh when it all goes tits up
Kind and non-judgemental lifelong friends who have your back

Are all fairly essential to keeping lots of plates spinning.

1. sleep train in infancy & mine have always gone to bed easily & slept through.
2. what do you mean manage their social lives?
3. generally you need to have got reasonably far along into said career before having children. Eg be senior enough to be managing own workload so that you can generally get some wfh or ask for part time, and be valued enough that your employer will say yes.
4. how much is enough? Children sleeping helps. 1-2 times a week is manageable
5. have a cleaner and lower standards! My home does not look like a show home. It's not trending decorated - its low maintenance. I iron almost nothing we own. I certainly don't hoover daily etc as some on here do - 2-3 times a week only in high traffic areas. Bedding only gets washed every other week and towels only once a week. We dont have a huge garden and we do the bare minimum to it.
6. define fun social life? I probably dont do as much socially as some people would.

Surely 'having it all' means having all you want. The thing is, not everybody wants all the things on your list. For example, I have no desire whatsoever for a top career or a busy social life, so I am not exhausted and have plenty of time to have the other things on your list. What on earth is the point of having it all if it makes you exhausted and stressed?