I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

She deliberately keeps life very manageable

Yes that's totally what i do!

I detest being busy it's not so much laziness but more that I cannot bear any kind of stress. Some people thrive on being busy

I am not sure if others think I have it all but I certainly think so.

1. kids are kids. They are generally well behaved, sleep well. They are always clean. The big secret is routine! I try to not deviate too much. DP is always part of the daily routine.

2. I plan ahead. A lot. I don't over programme things and DP helps a lot.

3. I studied. Found a job I love and feel passionate about. I work hard so I rarely have to work overtime and I can pick the kids up from after school club and nursery. DP does drop offs so I can start early!

4. I love my partner and sex is good so i always look forward to it.

5. I have a great cleaner and a small garden :)

6. I have a lovely babysitter. And also socialise with other parents so we can involve the kids.

The key for me is I work hard, I have a partner who pulls his weight and I plan well!

Well, your cleaner probably works harder than you, but doesn’t have so much to show for it?

I probably have all you said in your first post. I work FT in a demanding senior role with a team of staff to manage, husband has his own business, we have 3 primary school aged children who sleep well and do various activities. We have a large house and garden, find time for sex, we both exercise, and I normally socialise quite a bit but he doesn't really.

We don't outsource anything apart from childcare. The reason I can do all this is the fact my husband pulls his weight. I wouldn't say he does half, as I still do all the 'mental load' stuff, 95% of the cooking, all the ironing, but he's very hands on with laundry, cleaning, kids, bedtimes, bath times school runs etc.

I like being busy and am a bit of a perfectionist, and can probably deal with a high level of stress. My husband very easy going, so I plan everything and he either mucks in or just does what he's told.

I also make time for exercise, meditation eat well and make sure I have some me time and I think all these things really help me to cope with everything else.

A demanding job to me isn’t a flexible part time job working around the school run. If you and your husband are able to share the school run all week, and are able to finish work at 5 to see to the kids, neither of you would have what I call a demanding job!!

Also to add to my previous post- many of those who seem to have it all, have enormous amounts of help and sheer luck. They might have the following:

1. Parents to help a lot with the kids. My parents and inlaws are either dead or no practical help. I had kids at 30 so not that late. It’s just down to luck.
2. A husband who helps and whose job allows him to help.
3. Children who do not have additional needs and are able to get on with things independently. As a PP said, her 10 and 12 year old just get on with music practice. My 11 year old (no sen) can’t quite manage this properly yet!!
4. A social life with your children is just spending time with them, with other kids and adults. You would still be looking after them at that time surely? Not really additional.

People have different priorities. There is always give and take, even if you don’t see if from the outside. Once something is given more time (ie a career) then something else gets less time (kids, housework, social life, time with husband)
Then it’s up to you to hire someone or let it slide and keep up the pretence

What do you all do with school holidays!! So many weeks! How do you do that with 8 weeks in the summer and inset days etc etc

@OutedByHobby is that directed at me?

My cleaner comes once a week for 3 hours. The house is always tidy for her. No plates in the sink, no ironing or mess. I pay her a fair wage. Over and above what she asked, because she is nice, does work hard and is also studying to get a better life for her kids. So I respect and value her.

I also work hard. You have no idea how demanding my job is. And I was not very senior when I had my first child. I was a single mum on a very low wage. So I have worked and I continue to work very hard, thanks.

Ha ha,I work full-time, have primary-aged DC and a DH who helps lots round the house and I can say that my house is disorganised, the children's homework is last-minute and sometimes forgotten and I don't have a very impressive social or sex life! It stresses me out but I just have to take a deep breath and let things go.

Things were easier when I worked part time but I feel I have more job-security full time.

@soopedup

What do you all do with school holidays!! So many weeks! How do you do that with 8 weeks in the summer and inset days etc etc

We pay for extra childcare over the summer, they go to family a some days, and we go on a two week holiday in the summer also.

@Smallsteps88

No one has “it all”. No women, no men. So stop chasing it because it doesn’t exist.

Everyone has to sacrifice something.

Even multi millionaire athletes for example can't exactly have a fun, active social life. They go to bed early, don't drink much alcohol (if any) and watch what they eat to the exact calorie with nutritionists dictating.

Most high powered CEO's have had to put the work and the hours in over the years to get to those positions (nepotism aside).

I've an amazing nanny who does a he homework and play dates.. that helps a lot!.

@soopedup

What do you all do with school holidays!! So many weeks! How do you do that with 8 weeks in the summer and inset days etc etc

Summer holidays require paid for childcare unless you have family willing and able to do it for free. How else so you think people manage it?

Summer holiday nannies (often uni students - I did this as a student)
Sports summer camps for older kids
2 weeks family holiday
Dd does a week, mum does a week

@scoopedup the issue appears to be that you just don't envisage anyone else doing it except you, be that toilet cleaning or holiday child care.
That is the issue - you need to properly embrace the idea that you do not need to solely responsible for your children and household at all times.

'Honestly? I'm married to a man who loves and values me, and shows that in his complete dedication to sharing the burden.'

Ugh. Such awful smug posts. Also a pp who 'works with women at the top of their career'. Yeah right.

Sorry op but despite all these women with fabulous husbands the reality of it is it comes down to each individual's circumstances and usually time management.

Just outsource what you can to cleaner and whatever. All the alleged high fliers probably don't give their kids a fraction of the attention you do. It's swings and roundabouts. Just get a part-time job once they're old enough to have a front door key and get back on the treadmill.

Stay single 😀 I have two kids and a fantastic life but I'm single and I bloody love it 🥰

Ugh. Such awful smug posts

Agree completely

I dont believe anyone can really have it all. I also think "it all" means a different things to different people. People who try to drive themselves mad and something always slips, either one of the many plates like children or work or the one I see most often these days, their mental health.

I dont want "it all", I'm really happy in my life, theres no way I'd start running myself ragged to try and have an amazing full time career just to attempt to have it all. I dont want "it all" my family is "my all", my priority

I don't feel like I'm run ragged, yes I'm tired at times but I still have plenty of downtime, I watch TV most nights and have time for exercise, socialising etc.

Also I wouldn't be happy if I wasn't doing this many things, it makes me feel fulfilled so I can honestly say my mental health would suffer if I wasn't busy.

@Peanutbutterblood

I dont believe anyone can really have it all. I also think "it all" means a different things to different people. People who try to drive themselves mad and something always slips, either one of the many plates like children or work or the one I see most often these days, their mental health.

I dont want "it all", I'm really happy in my life, theres no way I'd start running myself ragged to try and have an amazing full time career just to attempt to have it all. I dont want "it all" my family is "my all", my priority

I you put it very well. And that is having it all. Being happy with your life is the definition of having everything you want.

We all have ups and downs. Different struggles, losses. But overall we are happy. It's not smug or superhuman.

Outsource! My husband and I both work full time in demanding jobs. We pay for a cleaner, gardener and excellent childcare. I don’t bring work home so evenings are couple time and weekends are solely for the kids. In pre covid times we spent a fair amount on babysitters so we could socialise. I would say my work life balance is excellent and we have a great quality of life but I could not do it without the help of all the other people in our lives!

Social media is not real life.

I feel like printing that on a sandwich board.

I've also given up work to be a SAHM and miss it, and feel my career is irretrievably destroyed. I'm not where I thought I'd be.

But I have moments of clarity when I truly believe we have made the right choice when I see how relaxed, happy and articulate my children are.

I do worry they see me as some sort of slave - but while they're young, I do think a SAHP is a wonderful thing for children although it's not fashionable to say so. It's just a balance for me and any other SAHM (by choice) in terms of the sacrifice in mental health (lack of time to myself, lack of stimulation and sense of reward and self confidence having a career) and freedom and maybe money.

Tbh I wish my husband made me feel more appreciated - he does but doesn't always show it. He does fuck all round the house, he's good with the kids but in a v weekend-dad kind of way.

No easy answers.

As pp say, there is no 'having it all'. You can possibly have most of it, but not all at the same time!

I have the kids sorted and a good career, but the sex isn't the most frequent and you wouldn't mistake my house for a showhome. Plus I'm getting middle aged and a bit fat which is definitely not on anyone's wishlist.

If you really want to feel bad about yourself read up about Ursula Von Der Leyen.
She has a massively successful career, 2 degrees, a masters, a PhD, speaks 3 languages fluently, 7 children and has been married for 30+ years. And manages to look good while doing all this.

Apparently (according to the radio programme I was listening to) part of her secret is always living close to her workplace, and having lots of help from family with childcare. Nevertheless, pretty impressive.

A demanding job to me isn’t a flexible part time job working around the school run.

Does it change your mind if I'm paid 100k, work in a senior high qualified role, spend the hours I do work in a position of responsibility for millions of pounds?

Its demanding for the 28 hours a week I do, it's just demanding for fewer of them.

I have my all, but some of that reflects my own balanced expectations.

I could be thinner and fitter. I could have a super smart home but those aren't my priorities.

My son & husband don't seem cursed with this boy poo issue that seems to require daily toilet cleaning.