I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

Also when you’re at home less there is less cleaning and tidying to do; now I’m at home I spend so much time doing all that but when I was out the door at 7.30 and home at 6 there was a lot less mess and I was less bothered by it

Sex and social life not existent here
Marriage broke down
I also think it helps if your kids are predictable with regard to things like not getting sick - I have had no nanny or heavy family involvement but also my kids are never ill or need appointments for things - this is a big deal because if they did I don't know how I could have worked full time - it's just not as simple as we can have it all
It depends on circumstances and sometimes it's not obvious ones
Everyone has to do the best they can
And some people are just really really good at multi tasking which is the biggest strength in all this

You can have it all. But you can’t have it all at the same time.

Outsourcing!

Why do women feel like the responsibility for all that falls on them and not their DPs?

Why do men never ask themselves this?

Children don't need social lives. They go to school, see their friends and then they play out in the garden.

Money

This is such a lazy answer. What was special about their personality or their choices that enabled them to rise into higher paid jobs that then allowed them to finance a lifestyle in which all the daily drudgery is taken care of by other people?

People who marry or inherit this kind of lifestyle are few and far between, but you can find these outperformers in the top tier of most businesses and organisations.

I’ve just realised something else about the Alpha people I know - most of them have lost a parent very young.

[quote soopedup]@CookieDoughKid what about getting kids school stuff/uniform washed? Football shoes cleaned? When do you do that during your day? Do you not have to clean the toilet every day? Boy poops? Sorry just trying to understand your routine.[/quote]
Sorry I know your not asking me but for things like this they are just done as I go along doing other stuff - so whilst one part of dinner is cooking for example or while I'm on the phone to someone / I never focus on things like that as one job if you see what I mean

It doesn't exist...people want you to believe the illusion but everyone in their own way has struggles some just hide it better than others.

This feeling of self loathing is only amplified by social media...don't buy into it

Nobody has it all but if you have lots of money you can outsource the bits that you don't like and focus on the bits that you enjoy. An assistant or housekeeper would manage all of the staff.

Hi OP, separated last year, and moved out about 2 months ago. Have the big job, talk to my friends, and look after my daughter's social life at the moment. House is tidy and neat as there is feck all in it :-). No sex and no outings given the pandemic, but the rest, yep it is manageable.
I agree with the other posts. Had I had a partner wiling to share 50/50 all of the above would be possible but if you don't have that then you have to choose.

Right now, what I have is enough.
May I ask what bits you are missing, or are you spreading yourself thinly over everything?

“soopedup
@CookieDoughKid what about getting kids school stuff/uniform washed? Football shoes cleaned? When do you do that during your day? Do you not have to clean the toilet every day? Boy poops? Sorry just trying to understand your routine.”

Hopefully OP doesn’t need to clean the toilet every day because her children/husband clean up their own “boy poops” rather than expecting her to do it.

I learnt a great tip from a former female CEO. She said 90% is more than good enough. And don't give all of yourself.

I don't clean toilets everyday yet no one has died or got I'll so I let it . But I will fit it in during my hour morning tidy if it needs it - once a week.

I'm a big believer of letting kids be on their own for a while everyday after-school if they don't have clubs. I'll let go on their devices, watch TV, play whatever. But come 6pm, that's it... routine kicks in and we have dinner/homework/bath etc. I'm religious about that.. I only do 30minute meals. I take turns with hubby. I've trained hubby how to cook but he's high functional too. I cook real fast so will do stir frys, Asian noodle soups, and I don't mind doing the odd shopped in lasagnes. We have a timetable of chores on the fridge.. so kids know what days to help clear dishes. No way I'm clearing up after dinner on my own
My kids will fight so I let them. Only if they draw blood will I intervene but they are generally good to each other.

So...hope that helps.

To have some (but by no means all) of the things on your list I have given up other things, such as drinking alcohol, late nights and seeing friends.

no one has died or got ill I meant to say.

Do you not have to clean the toilet every day? Boy poops?

This is your problem. 1. Thinking that a toilet needs daily cleaning, and 2. Not holding boypoopers accountable for their poops. If you’d expect a girl to clean up after herself, expect a boy to. It’s about raising independent children and not relying on lazy stereotypes.

@CalishataFolkart

“soopedup *@CookieDoughKid* what about getting kids school stuff/uniform washed? Football shoes cleaned? When do you do that during your day? Do you not have to clean the toilet every day? Boy poops? Sorry just trying to understand your routine.”

Hopefully OP doesn’t need to clean the toilet every day because her children/husband clean up their own “boy poops” rather than expecting her to do it.

Well yes.... but it was the OP that wrote that about everyday boys poop

I didn't have it all myself but I knew a few women that did and they had mums and mother in laws who came to their homes and did all the drudge / school runs / had the children in the holidays and let them have their careers. These people are now retired with huge pensions and a glittering career behind them I'm sure. It wasn't always brilliant I'm sure , but easier than working without any back up at all or relying on other forms of childcare that can be very patchy. Plus husbands who supported them. That is also a big key to having it all I think. Not all men do.

We threw absolutely everything into number 3, career. It was really tough when DD was tiny, but now both me and DH have risen through the ranks where we are both very well paid and have autonomy over our work schedules. That has paved the way to make everything else so much easier. We run our household as an extension of business. We outsource cleaning or any job which is inefficient or not cost effective to do ourselves. We delegate any other jobs and parenting equally. We have family support locally. We love socialising so that doesn't really seem a massive effort. Most of our friends have kids so it's generally family BBQs, pub lunches or park picnics which we all go to.
However there are limits, we have one very happy child but we chose to stop there. A second would have stretched us too thin. Also there were plenty of times where work had us on our knees with either volume of workload or stressful situations (and still sometimes does). We still get very tired. I don't know a cure for that past 35.

Share the housework between you both?

Have the house declutter Ed and organises is the first step - everything having a place - not heaps of crap lying around! (I did the Marie kondo method)

Definitely a weekly cleaner though to help ease the amount you’ve to do!

Throwing loads of laundry on doesn’t take very long? Nor does the folding it - I just do it while sitting on the sofa in the evening

Being at work most of the day and only having the kids from 6pm-bedtime in the week means they aren’t at home messing the place up either 😂

Cleaning the toilet in between deep cleans takes literally a few seconds?

Meal prepping means you don’t have to cook every evening

@OutedByHobby

Interesting but I lost my mother young and actually I went the opposite way. I was quite high achieving and academic at school but afterwards I just thought, what's the point? People who are high achieving and efficient usually seem to have one thing in common imo and that is they have good mental and physical health...that gives a huge advantage.

I have no family help nearby. My husband goes away for work (or used to, world has changed a bit!).

I have a career in which I can work flexibly because I am relatively senior. I also get paid well and I have a nanny, weekly cleaner and occasional gardener (he does a three monthly tidy up and we do the rest - I do lots of gardening with the kids, growing veg etc). Childcare and help takes half my post tax salary, but for me that is worth it, as I am a better and more patient mum for working.

The nanny is pretty key really - she is so ace that I don't give any headspace to worrying about my kids when I am working. I used to do admin on the commute, now I do it in the evenings. I am great at admin - I have a natural sense of when to do stuff before deadlines pass, doesn't stress me out. I do have quite low domestic standards, in that I don't expect my house to be immaculate - I do what is required for it to be clean and hygienic between cleaner visits.

My husband has required some training up in some areas and I wouldn't say he does an equal share, but he does keep on top of lots of things that I do not do and am not good at. I can basically trust him to do his things - I spend very little time reminding him or nagging him to do stuff and then giving up and doing it myself.

Anyone who appears to have it all usually have money.

No one asks whether men can or should "have it all".
So true
Kind of sad how many similar threads I’ve seen posted by women
As pp’s have said it’s unrealistic to ‘have it all’ anyway

Really sorry that happened to you @formerbabe. My BF feels exactly the same - her mother’s death completely knocked the stuffing out of her and she’s never recovered. She deliberately keeps life very manageable and her expectations of herself and others very low.

The first thing is that you cannot have it all. No one can. Something has to give as there are not enough hours in the day otherwise.

You have to prioritise career. And pick the right one. Do not have children until your 30s when you have established your career, and have enough seniority to then be flexible as to when / how you work (e.g. wfh pre Covid). You have to be able to deal with stress and not break yourself, or take it out on the family. You have to be a type A, very well organised personality to keep track of all of this.

For the rest of it, you have to have a partner who will do 50%, you need to be able to throw money (hence pick the right career) at the boring stuff (cleaning, gardening, housework, childcare) so that you are able to spend the little time you have doing 'quality stuff' with the children so that all of you enjoy the times you do have together. Getting up early before the rest of the house wakes means that you can exercise (swim in my case) and move the washing around etc etc.

And understand that something which is 'good enough' is fine. It doesn't have to be done 100%. This is where myself and my husband differ - if he does something it will be done 100% perfectly . I will do it to the point where I can get away with it, and move onto the next item. He will still be there 4 things down my to do list, trying for that elusive final %. 'Good enough' is my way forward.

But you have to realise you cannot 'have it all', something has to give. My house will never be perfectly clean (apart from the 30mins between when the cleaners leave and the children come back from school!), my career is 4-5 years behind those of my male peers as I had two year long maternity leaves, social lives are based around the things we enjoy doing and the people we enjoy seeing (no duty visits etc), and 'it'll do for us'. It might not work for others - but it does for us.