I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

Because I'm married to a partner who equally matches any input I put in. Takes the mental, as well as physical load, plus we have a cleaner and the dc are older and in secondary school

The few women I know that have it all have had extra help, a cleaner, a child minder, an Ironing lady and someone else to do any decorating. They had a well paid career and a husband who did equal share of everything. They also didn't appear to have any mental health issues or any physical illnesses.

I work fairly closely with a very high up director in a global company. He was once told that the one quality that people who are at the very top have is resilience - both physical and mental. And that is a lot down to luck.

He himself had a wife who also had a very high flying career but she had to stop because one of their DC was having serious problems at school.

So to have it all, you need physical and mental health but also for your dependents not to have any particular needs (or be prepared to outsource them - I know someone whose nanny does all medical appointments for her DC. That is abhorrent to me)

Meant to add they were very disciplined with everything. They also didn't seem to watch much tv, have hobbies or meet friends for coffee.

So they don’t have it all then - no hobbies or social life?

My sister in law is like this. In her case, it's down to iron will and boundless resources of energy. She has three kids who eat whatevers put in front of them, and who practice their musical instruments every day.

Her garden is absolutely wonderful, it's her passion. She has family nearby who provide a lot of support, and my bro is good at household stuff too.

She just never stops. She cooks amazing stuff, has hobbies, and on any night out is the one refusing to give in to tiredness and urging harder partying :)

She's an incredible person and I love and admire her so dearly but I simply don't have anything like her energy levels. I just watch with amazement.

I have been telling Ds1 about this thread. A'level sociology topic : about women taking on the burden and patriarchal changes moving forward in the next 10 years.

I told him that I have never had it all, never had a high flying career but worked very happily at a good job for 4 days a week.

I do believe your family stability and parental interest, and your personality, that drive to succeed, is very important. Plus good health and MH, without which you couldn't manage to 'have a lot'.

No idea how they do it all. The best I can come up with is to freelance flexibly, exercise as you clean, socialise while doing hobbies, find great childcare and make the effort to keep your love life alive. Almost impossible when kids are young which is why so many mums remain single.

@CherryPavlova

I don’t know that anyone has it all. Some would think I did but I see others and think they do. I’m very comfortable but had cancer - does one outweigh the other? I think some people make it hard for themselves, some make unwise choices and suffer the consequences and some are entirely inconsequential in their decision making from an early age. I believe you set yourself up ‘to have everything’ from a fairly early age - certainly throughout teens. Certain characteristics and behaviours make it more likely but you can still ease life a bit if you come late to the behaviour and consequences club.

Save children for a long term, committed relationship where you share core values. Don’t have sex with people you’re not prepared to have either a child or a termination with. Highly effective contraception is available everywhere but MN these days.
Work hard for good qualifications during school years and at university or in early stages of career. Aim high.
Marry a good man who will be a good father and husband.
Sleep train. Ensure that everyone gets to sleep enough.

Ensure babysitters and book social life time. Granny, an aunt, a nanny, a neighbour, join a babysitting circle. Make time from each other.

Don’t buy into the ‘must be occupied and interacted with the whole time’ myth. Children need to learn to cope with boredom.
Exercise. Walk them so they sleep. The idea that primary children can’t walk a couple of miles is both sad and ridiculous. Exercise is so important.
Don’t fill your house with clutter. Be ruthless in throwing away junk. Minimise presents to useful and durable things. Avoid a house full of unplayed with tat. Bin bags are your friends.
Don’t iron.
Shop online always. Meal plan.
Whilst children are young do additional qualifications and keep a tie in the waters of your career. A few days locum, volunteering with responsibilities, part-time work. Use social media to stay visible.

All of this!

Read this and thought @CherryPavlova and I could be the same person 🤔😂

Reading all these posts makes me think, I don't want to 'have it all' if having it all involves all that! I want to love and be loved and to raise secure, happy children who like themselves and are decent to others, I want to be able to pay my bills, I want to have friends in my life, I want to read all the things and learn new stuff all the time, I want to feel a lack of fear, I want people to laugh with, I want to have those lovely moments where you're doing something not particularly exciting or glam but you just feel content. I mean if you offered me the winning lotto numbers I would bite your hand off for them, but I don't think the 'all' as presented in the interesting posts above would actually make me happy.

So they don’t have it all then - no hobbies or social life?

I think for some people- I include myself here - work sort of covers that. I find my career genuinely really interesting and I don't really want hobbies as well. A lot of my colleagues are also friends now and a lot of my social life revolves around work - lunches, post work drinks etc

Well exactly if I was knackered, had no time for socialising or exercise (and no I don’t want to exercise at 5am!) then I wouldn’t consider myself as having it all.

@unmarkedbythat

Reading all these posts makes me think, I don't want to 'have it all' if having it all involves all that! I want to love and be loved and to raise secure, happy children who like themselves and are decent to others, I want to be able to pay my bills, I want to have friends in my life, I want to read all the things and learn new stuff all the time, I want to feel a lack of fear, I want people to laugh with, I want to have those lovely moments where you're doing something not particularly exciting or glam but you just feel content. I mean if you offered me the winning lotto numbers I would bite your hand off for them, but I don't think the 'all' as presented in the interesting posts above would actually make me happy.

I get a lot of this from my job. It's my job to read and learn new things abc I get a huge amount of satisfaction from passing on that knowledge and my passion.

It's my job to read and learn new things abc I get a huge amount of satisfaction from passing on that knowledge and my passion.

I love hearing that people enjoy their jobs. I hope you always do :)

I love hearing that people enjoy their jobs. I hope you always do :)

Me too :)
I teach career guidance and development and have worked as a careers adviser- a big part of what I do is helping people identify jobs they will enjoy! It's so important!

If people are honest, most don't have it all

@SueEllenMishke years ago when I worked in a Connexions team, my line manager was a careers advisor (although I wasn't, I'm still not 100% sure how that happened) and she was one of the best managers I have ever had. I think it was because she was so used to genuinely listening to people and actually thinking about what they said- that and she knew the importance of cpd and would always, always support a reasonable training request. I haven't thought about her in ages, I might try and track her down now.

I love my job too, despite it attempting to kick my arse this week!

[quote unmarkedbythat]@SueEllenMishke years ago when I worked in a Connexions team, my line manager was a careers advisor (although I wasn't, I'm still not 100% sure how that happened) and she was one of the best managers I have ever had. I think it was because she was so used to genuinely listening to people and actually thinking about what they said- that and she knew the importance of cpd and would always, always support a reasonable training request. I haven't thought about her in ages, I might try and track her down now.

I love my job too, despite it attempting to kick my arse this week![/quote]
Aww that's lovely. I worked in a connexions team too.
I train careers advisors now and they're always a lovely group to work with - it's definitely a career that attracts nice, caring people.

I feel your pain about this week! I've never been so happy for Friday to arrive!!

I suppose as other have said, it depends what you want out of life. I have a great career although, DS is only a toddler, but I live in a city center garden flat and have no desire to have a massive detached house with a garden - I know a lot of people on Mumsnet would be aghast at the very notion of living in a flat .

Anyway, I do it with a supportive DH, really, really good childcare, personal trainer and a cleaner. I also had a good social life pre-covid. I either hung out with other friends with kids, or went out after the baby was asleep (7pm ish) so I didn't miss out on any time with him.

I definitely dont have it all, but have been told recently I do due to my job and a helpful DH. I dont have a ' top career' per say but i have a decently paid (for the area), full time job so to some it may seem a great job. I only have 1 kid though (1 yr old) and dont plan on another. I refused to drop part time as I'd never get my hours back and had only just started earning enough to break even with childcare. Im glad as they will never advertise my role at full time pay and hours im again (retired/left colleagues roles are never filled full time or same band). It may seem mad to some but long term it will pay off. People always act shocked i didn't drop hours as I feel in the uk its just assumed you do. I think this is key for lots of women and 'the have it all' view. They drop part time, take on more drudge work so never get back in the FT game. It also helps if the job is above the min/living wage. We use nursery x 3 days plus inlaws the other two. However at push we could do 5 days (i would prefer this over inlaw care) so dont feel dependent on GP help. my husband also works shifts so DD doesnt go to GPs if hes at home. house is a smallish 3 bed semi but big gardens (ex 60's council) with a low mortgage. Once tarted up a bit it will look quite nice but definately not something to deeply envy 🙄 On weekends i clean about 1 hour or so - bathroom, floors, dusting whole downstairs. DH does kitchen units/dishwasher every night after tea and baths DD when he is home. I dont worry about upstairs at all as we only sleep there at the.moment but it gets a clean prob once a month(🙈) . I do bed time at 7.30-8.30. DH also hoovers (usually whole house) on his week off at start and end of the week. Again, people are often shocked my DH helps with housework. Well, the house aint just mine and neither is the mess. If i had to, I would hire a cleaner once every 2nd week or something. Same with garden but i enjoy this but its taken a back seat with baby. I dont see how anyone would think i have it all but I suppose it depends on criteria. In fact im sure most pity me for working do may hours 🙄(37.5). The only outwardly niice things people may see are that DH drives a nice car - the only thing he is remotely superficial on, and i have a slightly jazzed up version of a sensible small car 😂 our DD sleeps through most nights but not always, so i get to bed by 10, or 9/9.30 if super tired. I get a lie in every other weekend when DH home.I foind recently It doesnt take much to tip the balance e.g. the last month either.I have been ill, or my daughter.or husband has. So house is a mess, I've been exhausted and family time was a bit rubbish. My family dont live close by and the in laws are thier terms only tbh so I dont have much support. I dont really do the 'friend thing' though I have some good friends via work but I rarely actually 'go out with the girls '(due to not having any lol) but when i go out with work peeps i get tagged etc so maybe appear more social lolol. I execise on an exercise bike in evening sometimes amd at weekends and when DH home we do long walks etc on weekends. I do the 16:8 fast thing to so keep weight off but its creeping up due to finding time to exercise when not exhausted, ill or totm.

So to summarise my long boring description, I think stsying in work, and full time is often key. But there are the variables, of pay, partners hours etc. But it you can break even it csn facilitate farming out drudge work. Also having an equal partnership with OH in regards to housework is a must...and maybe not having loads of kids. I think my arrangements would maybe only cover a well timed 2nd but no more.

And sorry for the rubbish spelling. Been a long day :)