I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

I have a good career and it's a much easier job than less prestigious jobs. I don't think you can juggle everything if you have an emotionally, physically and mentally draining job like being a nurse or a teacher compared to eg legal work.

I'm clearly a failure as a woman

1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done

I manage to convince them to bath once a week and have threatened to "cancel Christmas" to get homework done. God help me in January.

2) manage their social lives

I get them to school, that is it. I never did playdates aside from the occasional after school casual park detour. Weekends it's too stressful to organise with other families too.

3) succeed in a top career

I fucking hate my job. It's full time, I went back to work when each DC was barely 3 months old. It's a job not a career.

4) have sex without tired

This was OK until DH started working 13-14 hour days

5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning

Pffft. Neither DH nor I can be bothered.

6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

Was not fun even pre covid. The most I met my non work friends for a dinner was twice a year.

@MojoMoon

Partners who do 50pc of the physical and mental work of child raising

Outsourcing of tasks - cleaning, laundry, garden, nannies, night nannies etc

A confidence that children can grow up happy without having a mother tending to their every whim and that using high quality childcare is absolutely fine as is your children learning the world does not revolve around them.

A belief that their needs as an adult woman should not be entirely set aside and it is absolutely fine to spend some time doing things for themselves, be that seeing friends, sports, hobbies etc. That children benefit from seeing their mother identify and meet her own needs as well as their own.

@MojoMoon I love this!

Not being a twat, but I think I have it all.
Detached house with medium size mortgage, husband and 2 DC (in or going into private prep school).
Happily married (although he is very annoying (lighthearted) and we've been through some extremely difficult times (crippling mental health issues).
My children are happy and eat fruit and veg every day. Also lots of biscuits.
I live in a nice town near my mum who does half a day of childcare for me every week.
I have sex, not as much as we would like though.
My house is generally passable most days (surfaces and floor clear, kitchen washed up, clean knickers in everyone's drawers, beds made and fresh food in fridge)
I work 3 (longer) days per week (younger DC is 3)
I see a friend or some friends once or twice a week (play date / after school tea / Saturday coffee or wine)

I'm not perfect in any category, but I have the best bits of most of it. That, I think, is the closest anyone comes to having it all for anyone.

You should be asking how you can have it all without paying someone to make it all happen for you OP. The answer to that would be of interest to the majority of people.

I was hopibf to get some tips, but as always it comes down to money as much as anything else. Or just dropping the idea altogether.

Honestly, to me your list sounds awful, OP.

I have been a SAHM, though for most of the time i've had some kind of work, the military reserves, or childminding, or tutoring. I can do stuff in the house and cook and manage kids activities etc. I've homeschooled the kids at various times. Etc.

Dh works and at times has worked away from home six months of the year. We can manage this because i don't have a "great career". I really like a lot of the paid work I do, and I've also been able to do some unpaid work I think is important and fulfilling. We aren't super well off, so I can't hire jobs out much but I have time. Dh does plenty of work around the house too, but because I get a lot done in the day we have a fair bit of family time after work and on weekends.

Everyone has to decide what is important to them and most people have to make some choices.

I may finish work at 5pm but I neglected to inform op, that I have at times worked 12hour days and weekends...as I’ve become more senior in my career, I am far less time bound but much more measured by my output/productivity/risk. no one cares what hours I do but care if I can’t fix an issue that’s business critical. They don’t care if it takes me an hour or 12hours to fix it. I’m in a high six figure job. I’m not in management but I am a significant contributor to the company. I’d say I’m an expert at what I do. After 25 years in the role, I have much more flexibility now and control in time management than when I was single, and no family in my twenties.

But I appreciate not everyone has that and yes they all too worked hard.

I think the posters who say they manage to do everything just fine have kids over 6 that are well behaved. What the OP has mentioned would be a push but just about achievable with just my eldest child, but I have a one year old as well on top of working FT and it is completely different. The age of your kids matter a lot in what you can achieve.

It did occur to me today not to get so het up about not doing lots of Christmassy Insta-shite style craft things with the kids - pointless if I'm just going to be stressed and grumpy and the kids feeling under pressure. I'm going to follow their lead and give them my full attention on one activity they choose. More chance of "making memories 🤮" and for the right reasons. If trying to have it all makes you stressed, then you haven't really got it all because good mental health is missing, so what is the point.

I have never aspired to 'have it all', but being content with what I do have.

I have a job I love, one that is highly stressful with responsibility, but not amazingly paid. My house can get messy, but it's ok. My children have always managed their own social lives and I don't even know what 'boys poop is' and I have three of them.

Life is bloody short.. I don't need to have it all, or make myself feel inferior to other people; people who will always have different circumstances to me so it's not even worth comparing myself to them.

I am tired a lot of the time, I don't have sex as much as I would like. My house is not as clean or organised as I like. I have a job I enjoy, a roof over my head, happy children and a happy marriage. That's good enough for me.

I’ve tried and continue to try and it’s nearly broken me. Myself and my OH have full time. careers with two children. We have no help. I do most of the housework and all of the washing and ironing of children’s uniforms. It’s really tough. No one ever gets enough of me. And I feel like life is a battle.

Dh takes on half the load. He does all the washing and I do all the food (unless one of us is struggling then the other steps in to support). We did have a cleaner but she resigned during covid. We miss her. I’m paying dd1 to clean the bathrooms each week. Mostly we keep it together but we’re a team and sometimes it needs a pep talk.

I get up early. We outsource cleaning/gardening. I like being busy and get anxious and depressed with disorganised mess.

It depends what you do as well - I’m kind of open-mouthed reading some of these schedules where people don’t start work until 9 and get a long enough lunch break to exercise.....nobody I know with a career has that, and I’ve never worked in a job like that. But if you do, no wonder it’s a bit easier to have it all!

Remember you see a snapshot when it's working.

At times I 'have it all' for all the reasons given. We have a nanny & cleaner and split everything mostly 50:50.

So at times it all looks smooth and perfect. But that's the exemption. 60-70% of the time something has to give. Mostly sex and social life. But often it's work stress. Last night I worked until 1am to do what I needed to stay on top.
It's worth figuring out which of your list matters most so you can prioritise that. For me it's kids then work. Both of those are always sorted. The rest I middle through.

Hoping that as the kids grow I'll be able to find time for other things.

It's a constantly flexing pie chart.

Good luck.

We drop certain balls and I don't think many( if any) have it all. There is always a compromise.

My comprise is sleep, socialising, clean house and sex. In order of how much I am bothered by missing those things.

Less is more!

[quote soopedup]@CookieDoughKid what about getting kids school stuff/uniform washed? Football shoes cleaned? When do you do that during your day? Do you not have to clean the toilet every day? Boy poops? Sorry just trying to understand your routine.[/quote]
Boy poop? What the hell is that? Boys don’t have an arsehole that is so inherently different to my daughter, that I can’t expect them to use the toilet cleanly, just as I do my girl. That’s one way to lighten the load - send them back in to clean their own shit.

I have a fairly serious professional career and a recent big promotion. DH the same only he earns more than I do. As everyone else says, it's about dropping some balls and reprioritising heavily. I cut corners everywhere.

1. clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done

Homework gets done on a Friday straight after school if I can take the afternoon, otherwise DH supervises it on Sunday. DS has never slept well. He didn't sleep through until he was 5 and now doesn't stay in his room until after 10pm, usually 11, so we spend a lot of the night putting him back or pausing tv to take him upstairs again. (He's 8 now.) Neither of them are particularly clean because if I don't shower them DH and the nanny won't, and DS is a soap dodger who won't go without a fight. So 1-2 times a week for a wash. (Thank god DS hasn't started to properly stink yet, but it must be nearly time.)

2. manage their social lives

DH does this. I need time to recharge and he likes to fill the house with kids' friends on weekends so in non Covid times he does that and about 60% of birthday parties. He gets annoyed when he texts another dad and the dad is always like "oh gosh I wouldn't know anything about our Harry going to tea; I'll get my wife to text your missus".

3. succeed in a top career

I love it and it gives me a sense of purpose I never got from motherhood. A lot of my colleagues are men or don't have kids/other commitments. So I'm terrified of losing it and work my arse off to be thought good enough and the anxiety helps me cope with the lack of sleep tbh.

4. have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4

Don't know. DS is my main obstacle as half the time I'm only staying up to outlast him and then I go to sleep alone as DH is determined to have an hour up with no children. DS doesn't go to bed at night, but DD is an early riser and there's almost no child free time. Saturday of course we are up early and out for swimming, ballet and cricket. There's the occasional Sunday morning we can have, if we keep DD up on a Saturday night. It's a bit better in lockdown as we don't have three hours commuting time every day to eat into our time further, but work creeps in there too.

5. keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning

Cleaner, gardener, handyman every six months once we've saved up a few jobs, low standards. Cordless dyson has saved my sanity.

6. find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

It used to be me as the social diary manager but I have enough with other tasks now that I only go out if it's a significant event. DH finds things he wants to do like restaurants and gigs and invites friends along, I hire a sitter if I feel like going too. The rest of the time it's a balance between DH out for sports and me out for gym or friends 1 night a week each and see our family friends on Sundays. My friends are all from before children because I don't have time to make new ones.

So DH does his share, I have paid help, I turn a blind eye to the state of the house, none of our weekday meals are cooked from scratch and I've never blended vegetables into a tomato sauce or curry sauce because they all come in jars. Also, I'm really fat, partly because I'm always tired and eating for fuel. I don't have any family in this country and neither does DH so we have no visiting duties more than twice a year.

I tell people that "having it all just means doing it all"... but both of us work hard to do it all.

@soopedup

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

Don't let go of number 3 and use the money to outsource the cleaning

I had a nanny who didn’t mind throwing the vacuum round and chucking the washing in the machine. My husband was pretty much hands-on too. As for sex, I’ve always been a horny bitch.

One can’t have it all imo.

Of all the women I know, not one has everything on your list.

No one has it all, whatever that is.

Thanks for all the replies. I think my main issue now is that because I’ve been a SAHM for so many years I’m struggling to find any decent paid work that means I can afford to outsource. I’d love to know what kind of jobs people do and how they got there. It all feels a bit overwhelming!

How long have you been a SAHP? What did you before you had kids? What skills/training so you have?

Decent well paid jobs typically require skills and experience

If you have a degree, could you do a one year postgraduate degree in something vocational?

It will introduce you to new people and new outlooks, and the tutors could provide references and even introductions to employers.

Unfortunately choosing to be a SAHP does mean you sacrifice your career progression and it is more difficult to enter the labour market - the same applies for anyone who has had a long break from working.

It's not impossible though - it just takes time and maybe some retraining/ up skilling.

What sort of jobs are you interested in?