I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

This is how I did it;

Divorced the man and got with a woman.

Great partner that doesn't 'help' or 'pull his weight' he just proactively does everything that needs doing. Strips the beds, washes the towels, mows the lawn, cooks, buys coat hangers, or school shoes etc etc. I don't have to ask, he is an adult.

But I also have a cleaner, a dog walker, child goes to breakfast club and after school club and we outsource things we cannot manage as we both work 30-40 hours a week.

Sex once a week keeps us happy, more when on holiday and more relaxed but we keep the spark going with kisses, touches, cheeky comments.

DS is fabulous and is well behaved but I think that might be because we have one, so no arguing or competitiveness can happen.

I am always tired though. 😴

blowinahoolie You even included the quote....in the early stages of your career

In my case, this is due to:

• a supportive husband who pulls his weight,
• a housekeeper who comes in every other day (when the kids were smaller we had full time nannies),
• tutors for the kids when needed,
• being quite strict with the kids/discipline from an early age so they’ve always been fairly well behaved and not causing much trouble,
• being highly resilient mentally
• physically strong (not needing much sleep which is particularly helpful for fitting in extra working hours and frequent business trips whilst remaining fully functioning intellectually),
• planning ahead,
• supportive parents (school holidays have never been an issue for us)
• having high expectations and doing whatever it takes to meet them,
• having a healthy lifestyle (buying high quality food, always cooking from scratch healthy food and exercising a lot).

I can’t say I have it all but I have everything I want.

And I fully disagree it’s all down to luck. My DH and I have always been very driven, ambitious and hard working from a young age, studying 16 hours per day at times and later on applying the same discipline to work whilst others (eg siblings) were enjoying life but are now quite jealous. Even today whilst we are truly enjoying life we are still working hard in our jobs whilst managing other business interests outside work so it is full on and I feel we deserve it.

I’m pretty sure if I’d had both sets of parents on hand (wow amazing to never have to worry about school holidays). Full time nannies, housekeepers and the ability to not need much sleep I’m sure I could have kept up with a full on career.

You can be as driven and talented as you like but if you don’t have all that extra help then something has to give.

I’d love to know what kind of jobs people do and how they got there. It all feels a bit overwhelming!

I'm also interested to know this, OP. I had children relatively young and didn't have a proper job before, but knew I wanted to get into my chosen career. I hustled for freelance work a LOT (and alienated quite a few of my "contacts" – friends of friends – in doing so). I worked a shitty night job (related to my field) when my kids were small, which was tiring and poorly paid. Then I got the chance to work in the City, freelanced a bit, got offered a full-time job, got promoted.

In short: it was rubbish a lot of the time, but long-term it was worth it (though I appreciate I also had a lot of luck). If you want to work, my advice would be:

Be tenacious, "lean in", and don't turn opportunities down because you're worried about the impact on your home life. Yes, sometimes it will be hard, but if you want to have a job and/or earn money it WILL be worth it, and you can usually make it work. It's easier to quit than it is to find that opportunity. Good luck.

I feel like I have it all. A job I love, 2 kids I adore, a break from them EOW and half the holidays so I have time to myself, independence, a steady income, loads of friends and a generally very happy life.

I had to get divorced to do this. And luckily I have an Ex whose been uncharacteristically amiable when it comes to the children. But when I was married I felt like I had fuck all. I had to be on my own to have it all.

Yes I don't have a romantic relationship but I don't need or want one, and since my focus has not been on men I'm much happier.

We had it all for a while. Totally enabled by both earning very good money, which we spent sensibly (bought a tiny flat whilst others our age were going away to luxury hotels every weekend etc) .

We probably had DS1 a tad too early in my career but I managed to carry on progressing by barely sleeping and paying my parents to look after DS instead of a nanny.

Then my ill health caught up with me and I had to side step into a slower paced role, fortunately keeping my good pay but losing future pay progression.

Then we just hit obstacle after obstacle with various health concerns for both DS1 and 2 (and still my own).

So now I don't "have it all". I don't have a decent career cos I don't have the time to invest in it. However I am well placed if ever I do magically find more time and better health.

Im permanently tired and the DC are exhausting but hey, one has just been diagnosed with 2 disabilities requiring numerous weekly medical appointments so I don't think I'll ever "have it all" and will just settle for trying for us all to be as happy as possible.

"blowinahoolie You even included the quote....in the early stages of your career"

Yes Coconut, I did briefly but decided that it wasn't for me long term once family came along. Working shift work is exhausting at best of times as a single person, not as easy to work round family life if you both work shifts....

I may eventually go back to work. No plans for foreseeable future, busy enough with family life🙂

I dont think anyone truly has it all. People like to portray themselves as such on social media. What you dont see (what they dont post) is any shit underneath that.

We are all striving for more than we have in a way. Its human nature. I like to often think back to what my life was like a few years back, or even months. It reminds me how much I have and have achieved since. Keeps me grounded and grateful for what I have.

Try to forget what other women have and just focus on being what you want to be.

So many people saying ‘I have it all but I don’t have/do XYZ’.... well you don’t have it all then. It just shows it’s all to do with how satisfied you are with what you DO have. It doesn’t matter if you have it all or not (which this thread shows no one actually does). Be grateful for what you do have, work for what you want, prioritise, and that way you’ll be happy not having the things you’ve chosen not to have.

@Coconut2010

And I fully disagree it’s all down to luck. My DH and I have always been very driven, ambitious and hard working from a young age, studying 16 hours per day at times and later on applying the same discipline to work whilst others (eg siblings) were enjoying life but are now quite jealous. Even today whilst we are truly enjoying life we are still working hard in our jobs whilst managing other business interests outside work so it is full on and I feel we deserve it.

Well of course, your personality type and your choices are crucial but luck comes in many forms. I'm not going to make any assumptions about your situation but many people are totally oblivious to how certain things in their life have helped them to achieve which are all down to luck...nice, supportive non abusive parents who you know you can fall back on if you have to, good mental health, good physical health, no childhood trauma etc

'So many people saying ‘I have it all but I don’t have/do XYZ’.... well you don’t have it all then. It just shows it’s all to do with how satisfied you are with what you DO have. It doesn’t matter if you have it all or not (which this thread shows no one actually does). Be grateful for what you do have'

Exactly! Be happy with your lot, that is the answer. The self declared high flying, loaded people are (anecdotally) needy types with poor self esteem anyway,

Because 1 and 5 are done by my husband and cleaner

My DH is a bit on the rubbish side when it comes to helping or chipping in, he'll cook tea once a week and that's about it.
To manage we:
Have a cleaner twice a week (lots of pets)
Have a robot Hoover
Have a gardener in summer months, mainly does grass cutting and hedge cutting
Have a handyman on standby, he's probably here 2 days a week
Have a meal plan. Everyone cooks - including the kids (15&16)
I work from home so can easily let people in and out but I do start at 730 and work usually till 6. I stop when DD comes home at 4 for half hour and have a coffee with her and catch up.
In addition we have a tutor when needed to supplement their learning when struggling.
My hobbies probably sound lame, I like gardening and am a board member for a community group and trustee for a charity - both are technically volunteering and seem like work but I genuinely enjoy it and the people who also volunteer. I might look like a do-gooder but I'm enjoying it.
To get some reading in, I shower, then DH and I read for the 20 minutes he's showering.
When spending time with the kids were typically doing something, most Christmas presents have been made for neighbors and friends and was probably 3-4 afternoons of a weekend in November and December. Again I'm aware it makes me seem like a try hard twat, but I need to feel productive and 'do' something otherwise I worry about work
Since Covid my weekly yoga has stopped, however I chose a class same time and town as DS police cadets so I could drop him, go to yoga with a friend and we had a drink after - exercise, socialising and taxi service all in one.

It's taken years to get to 'work smarter not harder' and it's tough - even with everything above when things go wrong I struggle, for me a clean tidy house is important, I genuinely feel anxious and stressed when it's dirty and untidy. We've had issues with my ex, a legal issue this year and work like so many has been extraordinary tough. I am exhausted. I do wish my DH would do more, but he has so many other redeeming qualities - I guess what I'm saying in a really long way is I might appear to have it all together but it's far from healthy

Pick the most important and wing the rest . For me , I was never going to martyr myself ferrying ds around to numerous activities a week , he is only little. Before lock down he had swimming lessons on a Saturday and yoga on a monday night that he did at school.

I work from home so I manage to keep on top of housework, but I've sacrificed my career ....as a single parent I've had no choice
Social life with friends has always been important but realistically its once a month if that .
Oh and I stay off social media it wastes precious time and gives people unrealistic expectations

I don’t have it all - the house is a shit tip and the kids have way too much screen time, but we both have fulfilling careers and at the moment plenty of money. Small social circle which is enough for me. Like others have said it’s about having the bits that make you happy.

I have a well earning partner.
I WFH so have time to do house chores in between work and do flexi hours when I need to.
Had a fairly good job before having children.
My friendships are super low maintenance - we can go a couple weeks without talking so I don't feel pressure there.
My partner is often tired himself (works a lot) so again don't feel pressure in the bedroom department either.

I'm aware I am pretty fortunate in comparison to some.

If we are throwing medical concerns into the mix, I have two DC with additional needs. This takes a lot of time with appointments. Having a job wouldn't be realistic with my own personal circumstances. It's not always rosy on the other side....

Outsourcing!!

I don’t think it’s about having it all to someone else’s perspective. It’s about having all you want and being happy with what you have.
I “have it all” in that I have everything I want and used to wish for and I am very happy. But this might not be perceived as having it all by others; we all have our own standards and values.
I don’t have a cleaner as I prefer to do it myself. We have a low maintenance garden so that the children can enjoy it all year round without having to fuss over it.

@blowinahoolie

If we are throwing medical concerns into the mix, I have two DC with additional needs. This takes a lot of time with appointments. Having a job wouldn't be realistic with my own personal circumstances. It's not always rosy on the other side....

Yes my dd has sn...quite minor tbh but from nursery age onwards she has had endless appointments...I'm a sahm and even with that it was a complete logistical nightmare dealing with that whilst looking after my other dc as I don't have much family support

It’s about being a certain type of person who has loads of energy and no appetite for down time. You just need to be honest with yourself if you are actually this person. I know a few women who meet your criteria and they’re all ridiculously driven, high achievers and carry this mentality into their work and home life.

Nannies and cleaners obviously.

A husband who is able to pick up some slack.

Money to outsource cleaning, gardening etc+reliable able partner