I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

You don’t make #3 the thing that you drop 🤷🏻‍♀️

In the short term, if you put that above everything except (1) it tends to have a knock on effect on how you can handle the others. I’m not saying that you don’t do any of the others at all... but you accept they take a back seat sometimes.

Spare a thought for the parent who is trying to do all that without being a SAHM and who is managing it all around long hours working hard in a job that doesn’t pay well.

I have “enough” of all 6 of those.

No way would I have given up work (job or career) to enable a child’s social life when there are weekends, and after school clubs (which basically was a very much enjoyed social club) to do that!

I could be perceived as “having it all”.

The key takeaways are I have a DH who is an equal partner and I spend loads of money on outsourcing. I only cook and do gardening for enjoyment, the heavy lifting is paid for; I don’t do any laundry, ironing or cleaning.

When the DC were little we had a nanny or a SAHP. Sometimes both.

I also handle stress really well. So being busy and juggling doesn’t bother me, I actually love it.

Like others have pointed out that’s not having it all its doing it all.

A supportive partner helps. Why do you list house maintenance and raising children as though it's only the woman's responsibility?

Other than that, money to outsource as much drudgery as possible.

@lazylinguist

Surely 'having it all' means having all you want. The thing is, not everybody wants all the things on your list. For example, I have no desire whatsoever for a top career or a busy social life, so I am not exhausted and have plenty of time to have the other things on your list. What on earth is the point of having it all if it makes you exhausted and stressed?

Well said. We are all different. You list homework as a necessary chore - it’s under hobbies for me! I bloody love doing school work at home with mine, and wish they had more of it!

Whilst a supportive partner helps, whats even more key imo is willing, able, healthy, retired grandparents on hand. Even with the most willing and able husband, if you both have important meetings on a Monday and a sick child, you're screwed. I know a woman whose mother arrives every morning, does the school run, and does all her housework whilst her and her husband can work

Totally agree with not sweating the small stuff.

Do your DC really need to have such a full social calendar? Drop a class or two.

Does your house need to be so clean and tidy all the time? Absolutely not, and you can farm this out of you can afford it. Same goes for garden.

I also agree with getting up early and going to bed early. I would say that's a major factor for most successful women. I am in bed by 9.30 if I am not out, and up by 6. I love that time in the morning when I can relax and get stuff done without being disrupted or distracted.

A partner who is fully supportive also a huge advantage, but be aware some of these women are "Doing it all" rather than "Having it all."

Outed yes I think it helps if you are naturally organised, timely and generally quite resilient.

I've noticed as I've got older I cope ok on 6 or 7 hours sleep while friends are broken if they don't get 8 - that extra hour or more a day is extra productive time for me.

No one has all that. If both of you have a top demanding career and a good social life, how are you spending enough time with your children? That’s not even taking into account the other things.
People lie and show you the best stuff. Even sometimes those you think you know very well.
Life has taught me You never know what’s going on behind closed doors of another persons family. Ever.

I also handle stress really well. So being busy and juggling doesn’t bother me, I actually love it.

This is it, really, isn’t it?

@Littlewhitedove2

No one has all that. If both of you have a top demanding career and a good social life, how are you spending enough time with your children? That’s not even taking into account the other things. People lie and show you the best stuff. Even sometimes those you think you know very well. Life has taught me You never know what’s going on behind closed doors of another persons family. Ever.

Absolutely all of this.

No one, not even men or celebrities, in my opinion, has it all.

Think about whether what you have listed is actually your definition of ‘all’. As others have said different people want different things and will make different sacrifices.

Concentrate on being happy.

Littlewhitedove
I'm lucky to be in a very flexible job that I fit mostly around school hours wfh. My social life sometimes takes place with my children (we have friends with kids the same ages) or in the evenings when they are in bed.

As this shows, literally no one does it all. HAS it all, maybe. But something has got to give. Hence cleaners, gardeners, nannies. (I don’t have it all (no career) but I don’t know anyone who does. My SIL works full time with 3 kids under 6, but has a cleaner, tiny house, etc)

Having it all and doing it all arent the same thing.

A man had it all because someone else (thier partner) was doing 1 and 5. They have 6 because they don't prioritise anything over it, so 2 happens (or someone else organises it).

When it came to women "having it" all there wasn't anyone to outsource it to. So it's just not possible.

Reading all this with interest. We have zero family on hand. No retired grandparents to come and do school runs. I think that played a huge part in my decision to become a SAHM in the early days. Plus husband job needing abroad trips so how do you manage that plus work yourself? I’m talking with multiple children. I’m just regretting giving up work but not sure how I could have done it differently

high levels of executive function was mentioned earlier. This

I'm a senior executive in a full time role. I run a global book of sales business. I'm also a landlady for x3 properties and I sometimes tutor 11+ on weekends.

My work day starts at 07:00 and first hour of that morning day, I sweep around the house, tidy, make a quick breakfast, unload dishwasher etc. I can do a lot in this 1hr and a half. Kids packed to school for school run at 08:30. If husband does school run, I will do a 5k run. We take turns.

09:00 back at my desk for full day's work.

Midday.. I'll go out for an hour and have a walk if I didn't go for a run. Have a quick lunch.
Husband will do school pickup or I will, we take turns.

5pm to 7pm. I'll get dinner ready, help with homework, kids bathed. Hubby and I take turns.
8pm to 9pm. 1hr music practice for myself as I play violin and kids do their own practice on their instruments. Reading bedtime stories. Then kids settled in bed/reading on their own by 10pm. Younger child in bed earlier.

Then back on my work laptop for any urgent issues for 30minutes. If not, chill out time.

That's our typical day at home now. My kids are 10 and 12.

Husband will do ironing on weekends, I'll shop for food, clean. I only clean bathrooms and mop floors twice a month but will be thorough. I do a quick once over with vacuum every few days.

I have to do an hour's of housework a day or else I'll go mad.

I don't have it all but I'm well organized.

@Smallsteps88

No one has “it all”. No women, no men. So stop chasing it because it doesn’t exist.

This, with bells on

I meal plan and do life admin on Sunday mornings and do for weekahead, and only buy enough food to last a week. I only shop once a week. I check all my investments, banking etc on Sundays too. I'm religious at knowing what I'm spending, savings, investing. I like to be in control and I love having goals. No real social life due to lockdown and that's it! Hope that helps.

Honestly? I'm married to a man who loves and values me, and shows that in his complete dedication to sharing the burden.

@CookieDoughKid what about getting kids school stuff/uniform washed? Football shoes cleaned? When do you do that during your day? Do you not have to clean the toilet every day? Boy poops? Sorry just trying to understand your routine.

@CookieDoughKid what do your kids do between hometime and bedtime? I spend a lot of time with them/interacting. They fight if they aren’t supervised in some way

The thing that's missing from this list is delegation at work:

If you have competent colleagues and juniors you can have a very senior job and more or less check out at 5.30pm or whatever it is and just keep an eye on things at work while you relax with your family or whatever.

If you have a badly managed or thinly spread organisation you can end up doing a double shift after your kids are in bed.

I'm leaving an organisation now because its too poorly resourced to allow me to delegate anything to anyone so I have to do absolutely everything. It's eaten two years of my life.

Money

I only clean bathrooms and mop floors twice a month but will be thorough

Do you have a cleaner in between your twice a month bathroom clean? Mine would be so grim

I don’t think anyone has it all; they just have a little bit of everything and often spend their lives feeling they aren’t giving enough to anything in their lives. I have a constant fear of forgetting something important. However outsourcing what you can and the internet helps a lot.