I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

I have a poorly paid job and a tiny flat.

So I guess I only have 3/5 rather than all?

A demanding job to me isn’t a flexible part time job working around the school run. If you and your husband are able to share the school run all week, and are able to finish work at 5 to see to the kids, neither of you would have what I call a demanding job!!

We're both very senior health care professionals. I'm a Consultant. The seniority enables a high degree of flexibility. One of us us home with the kids by 5pm every single day.

But yeah, not demanding enough for some

I echo what has been said previously about establishing careers prior to having kids, having a partner that pulls their weight, being organised. We don't outsource anything other than childcare, have no GP nearby to help

No one has it all, unless they make enough money to hire help.

I don’t think our house is particularly big and we don’t have much of a social life to maintain at the moment! Agree it’s about having a partner in all meanings; I’m not the only one who lives in this house and therefore I’m not the only one who remembers to clean it, buy loo roll, change the beds etc. Our DC are also expected to help out in age appropriate ways.
Organisation is important. Prioritise your time. 15 minutes less on a phone a day could be 15 minutes organising an appointment, checking in with your DCs or partner, planning a meal etc.
Say No to doing things for other people more often.
Practice self care; get some exercise, read, do your nails.
Stop being a martyr or you get treated like one!

Not to be nasty, but maybe they grew up in a family who could do the same? So it’s normal for them. My mum is a doctor and was the breadwinner for my family, so it’s normal for me for women to succeed in a top career - and I didn’t envisage my life any differently. Whereas others who had a SAHM might think that’s more normal for women and may plan their own potential career goals around that.

Again, if they’ve been social their entire lives it’s probably second nature to maintain those friendships even after children without feeling overwhelmed

Also if she’s wealthy she can probably afford a cleaner, gardener etc that can help her keep on top of the mundane

Hahahahahaha...have it all, that's a good one!!!! I have the clean house, good job, regular sexy sex. I also have a breakdown at least 5 times a week about being a horrible shouty mum sometimes, feeling like I'm crap at my job and crap at being a mum and a crap friend for not being on top of messaging and phoning people. It doesn't exist even if it looks like it.

But having a partner who does half and doesn't leave the "wife work" to me is a good start.

My friend lives like this.

Both have high-flying careers in the City and appear to have a wonderful life.

They have cleaners, wraparound childcare (nanny for first 10 years) and send out their laundry/ironing.

They are both usually working online by 6am most days and still working until midnight.

Nor do they always have the time to use their entire holiday allowance so rather than family holidays they often have one parent taking DC away - on admittedly fabulous holidays - while the other carries on working.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Cleaners, gardeners.

Don’t worry about social life- thanks to Covid nobody has one. We have a toddler so our social life previously was just weekend meet ups at the park with friends anyway.

Drop career goals until kids are a bit older- just concentrate on staying in the labour market and paying in to your pension. That’s what I’m doing and I’m clinging on by my fingernails.

Make sure your DH pulls his weight equally. If you do more of the “mental load” he needs to do more driving kids to hobbies/parties and cleaning/gardening etc.

"Surely 'having it all' means having all you want. The thing is, not everybody wants all the things on your list. For example, I have no desire whatsoever for a top career or a busy social life, so I am not exhausted and have plenty of time to have the other things on your list. What on earth is the point of having it all if it makes you exhausted and stressed?"

lazylinguist this in a nutshell.

I spend time playing guitar and take my time with every day tasks and cooking. Why feel you have to spin several plates if you don't need to?

Success in life is measured in more ways than just how wealthy a person is

1. incentivise dc with no tv/gaming if they dont do homework and music practice daily and similar reward/punishment if they dont go to bed on time. They are 6 and 10 so capable of breakfasting, dressing and showering themselves. They also have to tidy up after themselves. I take time out from work to help ds2(6) with his violin and read with ds1, who also has to go to tutor for 11+.

2. I dont manage my dc social lives, is this a thing?

3. I work 4 days a week in a senior role in a big firm. I have been doing this for 20 years and I work hard and enjoy my job, it is well paid but not board level amazing pay. Quite happy with this. What is a " top career" to you?

4. I have sex at bedtime or weekend mornings. Maybe we're doing it wrong but it isnt a massive time commitment. It never occurred to me to drop my job to have more time for sex.

5. i dont have a huge house, 4 beds, close enough to city centre to make commute easy in non-covid times. I have a cleaner but only once a week, dh and I do things equally, I'm a natural tidier and cleaner but I've not got show house standards. 6) my social life isnt a priority. I have plenty of friends and we are all busy so even if I suddenly cleared my schedule to not work as much, I would still only be able to see people just as much as I ever did. I am happy with the number of nights out or trips away I have with friends.

I think this will be no use at all to you sorry, perhaps it shows that no one has it all. I think you have to see it as you made your choice so see the positives in what you've got. If you have the rest of the list but no big job thats pretty bloody amazing. Be glad for what you have and dont worry about the rest.

If you are really tired I suggest getting a job as you might find working is a lot less hard work than all your domestic responsibilities. You dont need to be well paid. Just out of the house, doing something you enjoy, wearing nicer clothes than you'd wear to do the supermarket shop. Plus it could lead to a better career eventually as you work your way up.

Depends what you value. I know plenty of couples sil/bil who could live very comfortably on one salary but are greedy and would rather their kids are exhausted in wrap around child care or when they're older letting themselves into an empty house...what do they get in return..oh yeah, they're picked up from childcare in a 4x4 with a personalised number plate.

Money, and lots of it.

@ScalpHelp there could be something in that. My mum was the main breadwinner and I think I've subconsciously just assumed I'd do the same, so it just seems very normal to me.

My dad was quite hands on and I probably picked a husband who would be the same without actually knowing it.

"Surely 'having it all' means having all you want.The thing is, not everybody wants all the things on your list.

This.

Get off social media and get some perspective on what you want and appreciate what you have.

I have all of that. Getting divorced was the key for me.

Just be grateful and as PPs have said - let go of it all. I mean, I don’t have loads of stuff on that list - but I’m really not that bothered.

Kids have a v good standard of living compared to so many other kids in the world, even if they do share a room and can’t get all the toys/do all the activities they want.

I probably outwardly look like I have it all - nice home (when visitors come), high flying career (partner at a law firm in the City), etc. But I am fucking knackered. All the time. I keep all the plates spinning but it's hard work.

Probably the best thing I did was marry a man who treats me as an equal and does his fair share. The next best thing was not having a child until I had a fair degree of control over my own career as a result of seniority (not wholly through choice - fertility issues - but I can see the timing helped with hindsight).

I have fairly robust physical and mental health. I look after myself reasonably well and since my teens have done regular exercise. I work very hard to stay a healthy weight (it's much tougher now I'm in my 40s).

We earn enough to buy in help - nanny, cleaner, gardener.

It doesn't take much for it all to fuck up though. I've just come off a crazy period of work -15 hr days for a sustained period. I haven't written Christmas cards. It's probably too late for the overseas ones. I was panic ordering a present for our lovely nanny at lunchtime having realised it's her last day before Christmas on Friday and I haven't got her a present yet. My house is clean (thanks to our cleaner) but really untidy - I'm the one who usually tidies up as I move around the house but I haven't been here to do it. And my 5k time has gone to shit as I haven't had time to exercise for a few weeks. I also haven't had a shag in ages... So it doesn't take much for the wheels to come off.

I do laundry throughout the week, am obsessed with reaching the bottom of the basket but someone will always leave a rogue pair of pants squirreled away!

I clean wellies and football boots in the evening.

DH works away 2-3 days a week in non-covid times and we have no family locally. That's why I dont work 5 days a week. On dh free days I leave work at 4.30 to collect dc from after school club at 5.15, then tea, piano, violin, spellings, clubs, bath, reading, bed by 7.30 for youngun and 830 for oldun. Try and tidy straight after tea so I can relax after they are in bed.

2 days a week dh picks dc up from after school club, takes them to their activities and does everything at home so I can get work done or exercise.

I try and swim 3 times a week in the eve and walk with friends once in the week.

My day off I shop and batch cook and do life admin.

I try not to but occaisionally work at the weekend. I work til 10 or 11 o clock at night sometimes but other times looking after my family is a break from work and sometimes work is a break from my family!

I don't necessarily think I have it all but the following helps:

Only have one child
Have a husband that pulls his weight and treats me like an equal.
Have a cleaner

Nobody with a regular life/income can achieve that.

You need to be wealthy and able to get staff to help with the home, kids and so on.

It is ludicrous to thing you could realistically tick all these boxes.

Money to outsource cleaning, childcare etc.

A partner who does 50%

The drive and motivation to have everything just right.

clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done

No such children exist.

"That is the issue - you need to properly embrace the idea that you do not need to solely responsible for your children and household at all times."

Not everyone feels like they want to outsource these jobs though. I personally prefer to clean a bathroom or kitchen to my own standards, DH is not allowed in kitchen to cook either as I prefer to do this. I am by my own admission a control freak. It's all down to personal perspective.

1. Clean and homework done isn't hard, I mean, a shower and homework is just a normal household routine. You tell the child to do their homework, and if they won't, they'll be punished by the school. Being clean is non-negotiable.

1. 'Their' social lives? They manage their own. If you mean 'playdates' with other small children and their insufferably dull mothers, then I don't. They can have real friendships as older children which they manage themselves.

1. Get into a good career and work hard between 9 and 5. Get a childminder or have partner pick up kids. Don't try and work a crappy low-paid or part-time job 'that fits with school hours' and hope for the best. Pay for childcare and focus on work in work time.

1. Get more sleep?

1. Get a gardener, or do it at the weekend. Cleaning's fine if you're tidy and organised throughout the week.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Money to outsource cleaning, childcare etc.

A partner who does 50%

The drive and motivation to have everything just right.

clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done

No such children exist.

Of course clean, happy children who complete their own homework exist. The only people who think they don't have screeching odd-smelling hellions.

You can’t have it all because you can’t be in two places at once. If you leave your children to go to work you have somebody else to look after them it’s one or the other Maybe work half the week and home half the week is the closest you can get