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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I'm being unreasonable?

207 replies

Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:39

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

OP posts:
MRC20 · 16/12/2020 07:42

Go you, do not change your plans. He's a bully just giving you the silent treatment till you give in. Don't, he's a dick.

Littlegoth · 16/12/2020 07:45
Flowers
Treacletoots · 16/12/2020 07:46

Has he always been this selfish? Did you marry him expecting him to change?

Of course you're not being unreasonable expecting him to not be a selfish prick and share family responsibilities 50/50. However you are being unreasonable expecting a leopard to change his spots.

Selfish people never change. The only thing you can do is change how you behave in response. I divorced my selfish ex and found a new one who wasn't a selfish dick.

Lollypop701 · 16/12/2020 07:48

You booked it first. If he’d booked it doesn’t sound like he’d give a shit. Not a chance I’d change, and I agree his behaviour is killing the love. Is this general behaviour that’s heightened at Christmas (because it’s more apparent he’s putting himself first). If so it sounds like you’re a single parent with a friend rather than a family unit . Or it’s just he gets carried away because it’s Christmas?

RJnomore1 · 16/12/2020 07:49

How deeply unattractive.

Let him rattle on. I hope you aren’t cooking for him doing his washing etc while he behaves like a 13 year old.

As for the other days out I’d just take your kids and go. I can be incredibly pig headed though and other people may have more sensible suggestions.

Sounds like you have a lovely Christmas planned.

Flvq · 16/12/2020 07:51

Why have you let him do this every year?

Did you check before you put the day on the calendar?

slipperywhensparticus · 16/12/2020 07:52

I would sort childcare for the inevitable of him ditching the kids on you and going out anyway

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/12/2020 07:52

Are you in any doubt about who’s being the unreasonable prick here OP?

Eifhsg · 16/12/2020 07:55

Is he this much of a dickhead the rest of the year?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/12/2020 07:55

Yanbu.

But, YABU to expect him to be any different than how he has always been. He is very clear about who he is and how little he values you and the family as a whole. Thisbyear was never going to be any different. He isn't going to change, or have a big epiphany.

Keep your day. Leave the house super early so he has no choice.

Then think about whether this is what you want for 2021.

Bagelsandbrie · 16/12/2020 07:57

Don’t change your plans. He’s an arse.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/12/2020 07:58

It's funny that I read posts like these and wonder how you have more than one child with him, then look back on my first marriage and give myself a shake.

I think you know you need to change this dynamic. One step at a time starting with Christmas. I'd let him know how this sort of behaviour is killing the love/respect/attraction, no one want to be married to this.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:58

Yes checked the calender and there was nothing on it.
His argument is that my plans can easily be rearranged as my plans to meet my friend are quite casual and she has a lot of free time whereas his friends (5 of them) find it harder to find a suitable, agreeable date for all of them.
He also says that "wrapping presents" is not a planned event and that I could do this any time. Obviously, he's minimising domestic work as usual. I've explained to him that this is more than wrapping presents and a day for me to make sure I have everything done and delivered any presents etc prior to christmas day. And even (should I dare!) take a bit of time out for myself to go for a swim during the day time.
He is saying I should go for a swim on Sunday morning when he takes the DCs to football practice but this is when I clean the house which again, he sees as a nothing, pointless domestic job that will just do itself.
I work PT during the week and have a 2 year old at home with me on other days who is a real handful, so I don't tend to get much done between the school drop offs/ pick ups.

OP posts:
Groovee · 16/12/2020 08:02

I'd stand my ground over this. Dh and I tended to check with each other when the kids were young but now, we just tell each other out of courtesy.

He sounds very selfish and used to getting his own way.

justilou1 · 16/12/2020 08:03

He can suck it

WelliesWithHeels · 16/12/2020 08:04

He sounds horrible. Glad to hear you are standing your ground. It's shameful he is throwing a tantrum over it. What a brat.

hellolittlebaby · 16/12/2020 08:05

I think it's time to go on strike OP

Stompythedinosaur · 16/12/2020 08:05

He sounds like a dick.

SecretSpAD · 16/12/2020 08:06

He's being a dick. You are absolutely 100% reasonable.

He needs to grow the fuck up and remember he's got a wife and children who would like to see him over Christmas.

SevenSnobsASniping · 16/12/2020 08:06

Now OP. He's absolutely being unreasonable but it's your fault really. Somehow. 🤷‍♀️

Cheeseboardandmincepies · 16/12/2020 08:07

If I was you, I’d go plan another 3-4 days worth of you days and tel him you’re making up for all the other years he’s had time to himself and you haven’t. Very selfish of him.

AppleKatie · 16/12/2020 08:11

Yes I would swap. But unfortunately all my plans wouldn’t be able to be rearranged for one day so I would now need 3 and a half day to go swimming at another point.

Hahaha88 · 16/12/2020 08:13

He sounds like an ahole.

misskatamari · 16/12/2020 08:13

wtf?? I can't even get my head around the fact that he usually just does whatever he wants with friends over the Christmas period, when he has a wife and children. That in itself is selfish and odd. Now you've planned one day for yourself and he's sulking and punishing you like a child? Fuck that. I'd be seriously rethinking what I was getting out of this relationship, if my supposed partner behaved with such disregard and disrespect to me.

MaxNormal · 16/12/2020 08:15

Oh god just divorce him. He's a selfish wanker.