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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I'm being unreasonable?

207 replies

Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:39

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

OP posts:
SpudulikaSlob · 16/12/2020 14:46

@lemonsquashie

Love it when people suggest getting divorced over stuff like this 🤣
She's literally said that shes already been making plans to leave him, you embarrassment.
changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 14:49

OP

When he sleeps in the spare room...............
Turn the heating off on the radiator and DO NOT change the sheets

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 16/12/2020 15:30

Do not change your plans. He is an entitled man child who thinks the magic elves actually clean the house, wrap and deliver the presents.... I’d be saying two words to him, the second word is ‘off’.

Mydogmylife · 16/12/2020 15:48

God, this all sound so grim. Not just this particular row, but the whole rushing to get your date in the calendar first , not doing things as a family etc . Do you get anything at all out of this relationship? You say you're getting your ducks in a row, I don't think I could hang around in this atmosphere to be honest.

AndcalloffChristmas · 16/12/2020 15:54

He sounds horrible and selfish.

I used to end up doing mine in the middle of the night when I was with exh. It’s great now I’m mistress of my own time .

HOkieCOkie · 16/12/2020 17:13

Whenever I’m sad about being single, posts like this remind me why I am single.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 20:39

He's come home from work completely differently. Talking to me sweetly,.asking about my day saying absolutely nothing about the way he behaved.
Clearly they've managed to find another suitable date, he hasn't said that, but it's obvious.
Difficult for me to forget his little tantrum though.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 16/12/2020 20:43

He's gaslighting you. If you refer to the fact that you're still upset about his behaviour earlier, he'll minimise it to absolutely nothing, so that he can simply avoid having to deal with any of your pain in the arse emotions.

Does that look accurate? Does he often go from upsetting you to sweetness and light?

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 16/12/2020 20:46

How much wrapping paper is left? Few sleeping pills, plenty of tape. Send the fucker back to his dm...

mineofuselessinformation · 16/12/2020 20:54

I wouldn't be able to resist saying that you hope he has been able to rearrange his plans and then sit back and wait for him to fess up! Grin

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2020 21:29

Stay pleasant but cool, OP. Avoid further stress and just keep getting organised to go it alone when the time's right.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 21:30

So yes @mineofuselessinformation I did what you said.
They have been able to rearrange.

All that tantruming for nothing.

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 16/12/2020 21:48

Well, hopefully not for nothing , if it's made you have another wee look at the all round situation

billy1966 · 16/12/2020 21:58

@Butterymuffin

Stay pleasant but cool, OP. Avoid further stress and just keep getting organised to go it alone when the time's right.
This.

You deserve better.Flowers

BlueFringe · 16/12/2020 22:00

Ugh, no offence but what the hell did you marry?

timeisnotaline · 16/12/2020 22:14

Difficult for me to forget his little tantrum though.
I hope you don’t forget. I hope it helps you get organised to cut him loose faster.

tiredofthisbsagain · 16/12/2020 22:42

Who’s the 2% who voted yabu? Seriously?

slipperywhensparticus · 16/12/2020 22:49

@tiredofthisbsagain

Who’s the 2% who voted yabu? Seriously?
Her husband and his mate?
justilou1 · 17/12/2020 04:36

He’s worked out that the sulking and tantrumming don’t work, so now he’s doing the stealth buttering up. He’s going to “surprise” her by pretending that none of this happened and she “always knew that this was organised and SHE fucked up by planning something on that date.” (Gaslighting)

LilyLongJohn · 17/12/2020 07:27

My ex would go through stages to get what he wanted

Sulking
Ignoring
Being nice (so he could say 'well I asked you nicely'
Anger
Threatening to leave me
Buying me things
Upset

This would go round in circles for weeks sometimes until I gave in.

midgebabe · 17/12/2020 07:34

Sorry not to have read the thread, and I do hate a sulker and manipulator

but something early on made me raise my eyebrows " I checked the calendar and there was nothing on "

Why didn't you talk to him before adding it ? In case he was trying to organise for that date ( at that point of course, why hadn't he talked to you about trying to arrange something)

Just wonder if you have gooton out of the habit of good communication ( what with stress of family life )

Communication via calendar is rather dysfunctional

C0NNIE · 17/12/2020 08:02

He sound really horrible and I’m glad you are making plans to leave him.

When he’s out at all his Christmas events, make sure you take the chance to “ tidy up” and make copies of all financial paperwork. He’s the type who will lie about finances and fight to the death over supporting his children after you leave.

I hope 2021 brings a new start for you and your children.

DPotter · 17/12/2020 10:36

midegbabe

The Op has explained this in the thread.

lemonsquashie · 17/12/2020 18:00

Ahhh I remember those days fondly. The days when we both had social lives and negotiated who did what, like adults do. Then came covid and now we argue over Netflix or Prime

Skysblue · 17/12/2020 19:13

Your DH is being a bully but I do find it odd (and kinda passive aggressive) that you raced him to calendar without any kind of discussion about which days were good for each of you.