DH says I'm being unreasonable?

[Goojiboo]

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

What’s he actually doing all day with his five friends?

We work on the basis (in normal times) that if the joint calendar is empty we can bag that date, but there is always room to manoeuvre. This is just unreasonable (him not you) he's got no respect for your time or what you do. DH came down last night and checked if it was ok he did a long Zoom thing this evening (runs over bedtime and I have a regular casual Zoom thing at the same time every week it will clash with) if I had said no it won't work then he would have been fine with that, it's not an issue but he double checked and respected my down time. That's how it's supposed to work.

I had one like this....I think he was from a faulty batch!
I divorced him 🙂now he has to do all that women’s work himself. 😂

Well, I agree with him about the wrapping presents etc, because that can be done at any time, but you have made plans with your friend and he doesn't have the right to demand that you change them.

He sounds a selfish,, entitled arse tbh, OP. What do you get out of the relationship?

@MaxNormal

Oh god just divorce him. He's a selfish wanker.

This. Women everywhere need to just stop putting up with men who behave like this.

Has he always been like this?

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.

Is he like this for the rest of the year? It sounds like he only thinks of himself.

If he wont change then maybe you should consider what you are getting from this relationship.

Cleaning is not your hobby and should not be done in your free time. Get a cleaner.

Don't change your plans.

Do you two actually spend time together and enjoy it?

So the very system he benefits from (the calendar) has been used one single time against him and he huffs for three days?

Mature.

Attractive.

He doesn't sound like a man who really wants to be married or have any kind of family life

The arrangement with my friend is casual and nothing set in stone so the main task of the day is the actual wrapping. I haven't bookee my swimming session in yet, but I will. This is another one of his arguments that I haven't officially booked anything in yet so he says I'm being awkward.
It's like unless I have concrete plans and a booking reference number then my 'day off" to get a bit of head space and finish q few jobs just doesn't count.

Yanbu, but your system of booking time on the calendar without any discussion seems a bit daft. You’re a family, not a shopping deliver spot. While you are completely right to stand your ground on this, your DH does have a point that his day would be harder to rearrange than yours, but as he didn’t get in first he misses out. If you’d talked to each other, you could probably both have the days out that you wanted.

He does have a point about your day being easier to rearrange, but it's a shame its got to this point at all. Tell him you'll rearrange if he cleans the house.

I always say only unreasonable people call other people unreasonable! He’s trying to bully you into getting his own way.

Why are you with him? What does he bring to the table other than presumably his income?

He's a selfish prick. Why are you still with him? What's the point? It's all about him.

So your husband, who's worked hard all year through covid and not been allowed to see anyone has finally got a date where him and all his friends are commitment free and you wont let him go?

Are you his gatekeeper? You live together do you have to spend every minute together? You cant expect him to do every outing?

And you can always clean at another time, not too hard with a two year old.
....

Nope.... cannot think how any of that is fucking reasonable. Its all me me me. Is "DH" code for my 3 year old child? To be fair I would expect a 3 year old to have more empathy.

Its not a date where all 5 friends are free - he's not free. Ask him if his other friends would shift their commitment to their wife and family like that. Your 2 year old must be so housebound , so shitty to refuse to take him places.

Yanbu OP but I hope you can salvage your time off together over Christmas

What a manchild. He is behaving despicably.

Who on earth thinks you are unreasonable?
DSD is married to someone like this . He sulks until he gets his own way which he does . Every time.
Stick to your guns OP !

If he didn't have a history of being so selfish then you would probably condsider changing your more easily changeable day I should imagine.

I also think he has a point about swimming when he's out with the kids.

But then he would need to do some housework/wrapping so I'm guessing that realistically that's a no?

What is the point of him?

Why does doing all of Christmas fall to you?

That has never been the case here even though I don't go out to work.

Same with my parents-it was never all left to my mum!

His arguments are logical but this is about the wider issue isn't it?

He sounds really selfish overall, and resentment builds up.

I've got out of the wrong side of bed today so I would tell him to go fuck himself.

Does he realise how much childcare he would have to do if you divorced him?

I like the idea upthread ‘yes I’ll rearrange but you need to do the housework here’s a list.’ (And before mn pile on saying he shouldn’t need a list it’s obvious, to a man child like this it won’t be)

I never understand how women stay in relationships where their husbands would rather be out with their mates, than spending time with their wives and children. There's no way is tolerate my husband being out on the piss or playing golf all the time, while I was home with the kids and cleaning the house etc.
He's a shitty husband - you'd be better off without him.

So your husband, who's worked hard all year through covid and not been allowed to see anyone has finally got a date where him and all his friends are commitment free and you wont let him go?

Oh get away with you. The OP works as well in addition to all the domestic duties. Every previous year he has done exactly what he wanted and for once, when the OP has organised something for herself her activities default to less important?

Sod that.

OP you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life or if you want a reset in the balance of your relationship. If there isn't a reset you will likely spend the rest of your life "fitting in" with his choices. I've watched too many women do that and regret not resetting their relationship in the earlier years.

Don't cancel your plans. Don't get him anything for Christmas, and don't plate him up a Christmas dinner. I'm assuming you'll be the one cooking it given what a selfish lazy ass he is. Tell him he can go sulk in the spare room all day. Enjoy the day with the kids. Relax. Then gift him divorce papers in the new year.