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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I'm being unreasonable?

207 replies

Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:39

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 16/12/2020 09:17

Stand your ground!
I understand your plans are easier to change than his, but you've got a 'get to the calendar first' rule, he was happy with that when he got his days in first, now he wants you to change because he didn't get his days in quick enough.
This is obviously a wider issue, not just this 1 day. He has zero respect for you and your family, no way would I put up with this. Family come first, friends slotted into whatever time you have left after. I'd be having a serious ultimatum conversation about your future together and go from there. This is not a life you want for yourself.

Nowaynl · 16/12/2020 09:22

I don’t know why you stand for this really. I couldn’t remain married to a man child who prioritised pub crawls and golf over his family.

JillofTrades · 16/12/2020 09:23

I am already in the process of getting ducks in a row.

Thats good op. Hopefully by next year xmas this will not be a problem you have to deal with. Selfish man.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/12/2020 09:23

So he basically does everything he possibly can to opt out of family time and leaves it all to you.
What a catch.

Nottherealslimshady · 16/12/2020 09:24

You were first to the calendar so tough titties.

Would he change his plans for yours if his were easier to move?

Also, the fact that Christmas comes around and he thinks "great, I've got loads of time to spend with my friends while my wife looks after my kids and organises Christmas" is so dickish that I wouldn't do a thing for him.

humblesims · 16/12/2020 09:24

What a fucker. Another one here who would not stand for it. He sounds like a right shit. As a pp said, Deeply Unattractive.

CrazyBaubles · 16/12/2020 09:25

So you already have a 'whoever puts it in the calendar first has claimed the day' and now the one time that wasn't him, he's kicking off?

Glad you're getting ducks in a row

Peanutbutterblood · 16/12/2020 09:25

Yanbu. You got to the calendar first so tough luck. We have a rule like that in our house, what's on the calendar first goes.

My husband shoots and usually has plans every fri and sat in nov/dec so I usually plan things around that but if he suddenly gets a shoot on a monday and I've already got something on the calendar tough he cant go. (I should add this is his only hobby so the rest of the year he isnt away every friday and saturday)

Fefifofaff · 16/12/2020 09:29

To defuse the situation do you have any kind of childcare available? You are in the right here and it's good you are making plans to leave. However, in the short term this is all going to make Xmas miserable for you and possibly the children. Rather than standing on principle it might be worth both of you having the day while someone else has the children? He has shown you where his priorities are and it isn't you. You have all the information you need without dragging this out any further.

VettiyaIruken · 16/12/2020 09:30

@C8H10N4O2

So your husband, who's worked hard all year through covid and not been allowed to see anyone has finally got a date where him and all his friends are commitment free and you wont let him go?

Oh get away with you. The OP works as well in addition to all the domestic duties. Every previous year he has done exactly what he wanted and for once, when the OP has organised something for herself her activities default to less important?

Sod that.

OP you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life or if you want a reset in the balance of your relationship. If there isn't a reset you will likely spend the rest of your life "fitting in" with his choices. I've watched too many women do that and regret not resetting their relationship in the earlier years.

Maybe read that posters entire post.
dysoncansuckit · 16/12/2020 09:33

Glad you're getting ducks in a row. He sounds like a selfish bastard. I hope he's a lonely sad pub crawling idiot when you leave him.

FancyAnOlive · 16/12/2020 09:36

God what an absolute twat. Really sorry OP. Hope you can get all your ducks in a row sooner rather than later!

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 16/12/2020 09:37

It sounds like you're already s single parent. What's the point in him?
Is it just financial? Money isnt worth being so unhappy and treated like a second class citizen.

Just be prepared, if you split then his contact time will he tossed aside whenever he fancies doing something for himself.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2020 09:37

What love? He thinks you're his servant.

Lolapusht · 16/12/2020 09:39

Well done for sorting out your 🦆🦆🦆

He’s going to be in for a bit of a shock his first Christmas on his own! When you do kick him out, I’d recommend telling him in October which days he’ll be having the children so he can plan his busy schedule around them. If he cancels then he doesn’t get to see them. Children actually come first, not getting pissed up with your mates.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2020 09:42

Well you said it. He sees you as a rival. One adult wins, one loses (and the DC are yours alone, he doesn't care about upsetting them). He has no concept of 'family' or desire to be part of one.

ReetDortyLass · 16/12/2020 09:44

He's treating you like staff.

Brefugee · 16/12/2020 09:45

I see you're making plans - that is good and i hope this is your last Christmas like this. Stand your ground and make sure you get your day how you want it.

So your husband, who's worked hard all year through covid and not been allowed to see anyone has finally got a date where him and all his friends are commitment free and you wont let him go?

I see the Handmaids are still around. Get to fuck with this. Which part of she does all the cleaning and wifework and her husband doesn't think it's real work. Presumably you Handmaids don't either.

MN never ceases to astound me that so many women put up with completely crap partners.

bonjonbovi · 16/12/2020 09:46

@Goojiboo prepare yourself for him just getting up and leaving on the morning you have plans, so you can’t do what you expect.

So either get up earlier, or stay with your friend the night before. Beat ‘d’h at his own game.

Sally872 · 16/12/2020 09:47

If he considered you more regularly and wasn't selfish I expect you would be more flexible. But because he is so selfish you want to stick to your plans. (Which I completely agree with).

He has caused this, but it isn't a good sign for your relationship. Instead of showing him how it feels he will believe the way he normally behaves is acceptable "because that one time you wrapped the presents when I wanted to go to pub". Killing the love describes him perfectly. Sorry you have to deal with this OP.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2020 09:49

@Brefugee
You need to read the whole post. It is not supportive of the husband at all.

dottiedodah · 16/12/2020 09:50

FFS how old is he? He sounds about 15! Tell him those are your plans and thats that.Is he used to you always altering plans /stepping aside ? Maybe he can wrap some gifts as well one evening? My DH never seems to understand the load at Christmas. And seemed genuinely surprised after a worrying week of me having severe headaches .Doctor actually said they were most likely due to the "Christmas Load" and that she suffered the same thing at Xmas!

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 16/12/2020 09:55

What redeeming qualities does he have?

MadeForThis · 16/12/2020 09:56

Definitely get your ducks in a row and hopefully you won't have to deal with his bullshit next year.

I would probably offer to swap as your plans haven't actually been booked. But I would also book and additional 2 days for yourself.

Alethiometrical · 16/12/2020 09:58

He's killing the love tbh

Have you told him this, seriously and gently, in a calm moment?

Because I’ve seen any number of marriages - including my parents’ - break up because of this kind of “petty” or everyday selfishness and bullying.

It seems minor, and probably is to your husband, but he needs to know that this behaviour will kill his marriage.