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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I'm being unreasonable?

207 replies

Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:39

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

OP posts:
GwenSpiderverse · 16/12/2020 09:59

Very best of luck with those ducks, OP!

Enjoy your day to yourself.

sadie9 · 16/12/2020 10:01

"He's always planning something or thinking about doing something that he's not being honest and open about."

It's not that he's being honest or open purposefully, it's that he is self-absorbed and not thinking about others as much as you are.
In some ways he has been allowed to do this.

Mothers end up getting into a habit of prioritising others and not asking for own needs. This is a combination of self-reliance and not wanting to upset other people. We wake up one morning and suddenly seeing that others in fact, do not spend their time accommodating everyone.

Previous to this you 'allowed' your husband free reign of the calendar. You may not have seen his childish acting-out behaviour much because he was 'accommodated' by you to do what he wanted and you went along with that to avoid 'upsetting' him.

I'm only saying this so that you see that you had a part in this dynamic as well. That in no way excuses his bad behaviour.
You are getting the rivalry because he either sees you as the pesky little sister or the 'Mummy' in the house where he is the eldest and previous idolised son.

Strangedayindeed · 16/12/2020 10:02

You are of course not unreasonable but I would probably change it for my husband and he would for me. It sort of sounds like your husband wouldn’t do it for you? Is that’s what’s stopping you?

changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 10:02

What a tedious and exhausting way to live. To say you should have stopped this in it's tracks is too late now.

I don't understand these men who think their wives are an extension of their mother and treat her like a maid/cook/laundry and babysitting service.
It's not a partnership. It's mot a marriage and it's no way to live.
Thank goodness women have choices these days. In days gone by we had to suck it up as there was no alternative.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 10:04

I think what hurts the most in this is his assumption that my down time isn't valuable down time enough to be honoured. Because it's not bookable time. I just need a bit of space to think and finish off a few jobs. I can not book time off work to get things done as I'm a teacher so it has to be done at weekends, or holidays. Evenings, I flake so no chance there.
And my downtime involves christmas prep anyway!
I've asked nothing of him this christmas, because I've given that battle up. I used to be adamant that he did his share but always wound up disappointed by his lack of interest. He has no idea what we've even bought the kids for christmas.
But I'm guessing he will moan that I've spent too much money on christmas day.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 16/12/2020 10:06

Good luck with those ducks op, I hope you have a date soon in mind. I’m surprised it wasn’t years ago.

Windinmyhair · 16/12/2020 10:06

See the thing is. It isn't about this one day.

if he wasn't a selfish prick most of the time (and specifically over xmas) then you probably wouldn't feel the need to hold on to this one specific day and would happily swap.

But he doesn't give a fuck about you, your plans or your time.
So why should you swap?

LakieLady · 16/12/2020 10:06

@Waspnest

Women everywhere need to just stop putting up with men who behave like this.

This. Why do so many women on MN have children with so many pricks? I don't see it in real life, only on here.

I think becoming a prick might be like boiling a frog. When it's done gradually, it goes unnoticed.

The prickishness seems to rise in direct proportion to the amount of childcare etc increases. When it's become wifework, it seems like it doesn't as work.

Stick to your guns, OP, and make sure you get a more equitable arrangement of domestic chores and household management stuff from now on. Maybe he can wrap the presents on the free day that he now has because he's not meeting his friends.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 10:07

I do feel like that @windinmyhair

OP posts:
northbacchus · 16/12/2020 10:08

Sounds like you need some bookable downtime in a spa OP! Perhaps a spa weekend?

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 16/12/2020 10:08

What does he contribute to your relationship and family life?

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2020 10:10

I said this on another thread recently, but it's always a shock when you suddenly start enforcing boundaries with someone you've previously given free rein too. You would think you'd have 'credit in the bank' from all the times you've accommodated them in the past. But they don't see it that way because they've got used to the idea the favours only run one way. So they are really resistant and will attack you in a way that seems really disproportionate to the issue. The only thing to do is a) stand firm and keep enforcing boundaries till they get used to it, or b) quit the relationship. Or a then b, I guess. Good luck OP and enjoy your day.

changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 10:12

@Windinmyhair

See the thing is. It isn't about this one day.

if he wasn't a selfish prick most of the time (and specifically over xmas) then you probably wouldn't feel the need to hold on to this one specific day and would happily swap.

But he doesn't give a fuck about you, your plans or your time.
So why should you swap?

Christmas only serves to highlight the situation and magnify all those feelings of resentment. OP needs to hang on to the thought and deal with it after Christmas so she does not have to put up with it ever again, and if that means staying together or not, she needs to sort this selfish twat out. I would not tolerate a life like this. It's not long enough.
Eckhart · 16/12/2020 10:12

You're waiting for him to prioritise you, but he's never going to. He sees you as a service, because you do all the stuff that should be shared, and you make sure everything gets done, at minimal effort to him.

I think what hurts the most in this is his assumption that my down time isn't valuable down time enough to be honoured

It feels horrible to be in this position. You can see it in the passive tense, though. Not that you want him to respect your down time, but that your down time needs to be respected. That means that it can get its respect from anybody. Then you can do it.

And you really must do it. Your down time is important, always, but especially when you're being treated this way. You need a break, you need some time of your own, and you need to make sure you get it.

Eckhart · 16/12/2020 10:14

@timeisnotaline

Good luck with those ducks op, I hope you have a date soon in mind. I’m surprised it wasn’t years ago.
Seconded.
MagnoliaBeige · 16/12/2020 10:21

I think there’s two issues here - (1) is it reasonable for a person who can swap plans to swap for someone who would find it harder to swap and (2) the general day to day attitude of your partner to family life.

For the first issue, I would have swapped on the basis that it was easier for me to rearrange than for my partner to. But after his behaviour after you said no, he could sod that for a game of soldiers and I’d stick to my plans. Unless you think he’s the type to sabotage you on the day by going out anyway and leaving you in the lurch?

The second issue is the bigger one but sounds like you’ve got plans to address that - good luck!!

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 10:23

It sounds like you could easily rearrange your day, if he had approached this differently, not confrontational but "is there anyway we can sort this, I'll definitely do x y and z if we can" would you have felt differently.

I know I would dig my heels in with his attitude but I also know we would negotiate it and sort it.

It doesn't sound like he is prepared to give, just take. My worry would be what do you do if he just buggers off and leaves you to it that day?

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 10:26

@MagnoliaBeige For the first issue, I would have swapped on the basis that it was easier for me to rearrange than for my partner to. But after his behaviour after you said no, he could sod that for a game of soldiers and I’d stick to my plans. Unless you think he’s the type to sabotage you on the day by going out anyway and leaving you in the lurch?

You said it more succinctly than I did but basically the same message.

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/12/2020 10:28

@ bonjonbovi makes a good point about him just getting up and going out and leaving you high and dry on the day .
A few years ago DSD had arranged a day out in another city with friends ( theatre , shopping etc). Her arse of a DH was furious as he would have to miss golf for ONE week .
Anyway, on the day , he just got up and went golfing leaving DSD in tears . Ended up that her DM , my DH and I looked after the DC to let her go She is still with him and he still treats her like shit .

Starlight39 · 16/12/2020 10:31

If you're getting your ducks in a row, I'd just focus on that and not stress too much about "fixing" him now, there's no point - just detach and think about how things will be when you don't have to worry about him anymore! So on that basis, I'd just swap the day and use it as your day to get things done - the wrapping etc. Then take another day as a destressing day when you can do exactly what you want.

lioncitygirl · 16/12/2020 10:33

Wtf are you doing with someone so selfish?

GabsAlot · 16/12/2020 10:33

thats really sad oldbutstillgotit he now will think he can do anything he likes

glad youre thinking of leaving op-its the principle isnt it-if he asked nicely and wasnt always like this you might have rearranged but hes just selfish

YoniAndGuy · 16/12/2020 10:35

'The answer is no. Next time, the answer will be 'I'm done with being utterly ignored and devalued in this marriage, we're done, I no longer want to be with you, you selfish, self-obsessed piece of dogshit'. What answer would you like to stick with?'

Say this. And mean it.

movingonup20 · 16/12/2020 10:37

I'm torn , you do deserve downtime but arranging with others is always tricky to schedule so swopping days is not an unreasonable request, it's how he went about it and the back story that's troubling. If he was more considerate to start with there would not have been a problem!

My compromise would be if he gets his day, you get a day too, a full one to do what you want

Ithinkim · 16/12/2020 10:44

I would have just swapped it as nothing is unable to be changed from your day

However, after the sulking and sleeping in the spare room (wtf) I would keep my day and nothing would make me change it.