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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says I'm being unreasonable?

207 replies

Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:39

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/12/2020 10:44

Had he put his day in the calendar when it was arranged, this could have been avoided.

LuckyNumberThirteen · 16/12/2020 10:49

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Had he put his day in the calendar when it was arranged, this could have been avoided.
Wouldn't be surprised if he'd booked it in without checking the calendar. Sounds like he is used to everyone pandering to him.
Teaanddimebars · 16/12/2020 10:50

Sounds like my ex- H. It was when I started putting my foot down that I really saw his nasty side. Before that he just seemed selfish and immature.

He is still furious that I left him. Grin

LakieLady · 16/12/2020 10:56

@Goojiboo

We are past the point of making plans for Christmas over coffee unfortunately. I've tried involving him, asking his advice, sitting together with the calender on an evening, but he treats me like a rival. He's always planning something or thinking about doing something that he's not being honest and open about. So we created the "whoever gets to the calender first" rule. Because I felt like I was being taken for a mug prioritising all the family stiff whilst he thought only of himself. I am already in the process of getting ducks in a row.
Treating you "like a rival" is rather chilling and implies that he sees you as a hindrance to his social life. The lack of honesty and transparency would be the death knell for me, I'm afraid.

I'm getting a picture of a man who regards you as little more than a cook, cleaner and childminder. It doesn't sound at all like you are equal members of a team.

Laserbird16 · 16/12/2020 11:01

Sounds like there is more to this than just this one day.

You do a lot.. perhaps all? ...of the domestic stuff. He doesn't value your time or what you do. Obviously, he feels his time is more important than your time as you taking time for yourself isn't important where as he having time to himself is and needs to be prioritised.

Stand your ground and maybe renegotiate the contract. Ever taken the kids to football practice and he cleaned the house?

AliceMcK · 16/12/2020 11:03

He sounds very much like a selfish man child. I’d never let him spend so much time over Christmas off with his mates and drinking. Not that my DH would ever dream of doing this anyway, it’s all about family outings with him. Christmas is about families and the dc’s that’s where he should be spending his time.

LakieLady · 16/12/2020 11:04

@MadeForThis

Definitely get your ducks in a row and hopefully you won't have to deal with his bullshit next year.

I would probably offer to swap as your plans haven't actually been booked. But I would also book and additional 2 days for yourself.

Lol, yes, book 2 days for yourself, OP, and make them Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Take yourself off to a high-end hotel and enjoy a peaceful Christmas there (I think it will have to be in Cornwall or IoW, as they're the only places in Tier 1).

Leave him to do Xmas dinner and deal with over-excited DCs! Wink

EarthSight · 16/12/2020 11:05

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends. He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself

Jesus.....that's all I needed to read really. He's either totally emotionally withdrawn from this relationships years ago for some reason, or he's one of those types who sweet talked their way into marriage & children, with a very old fashioned view that everything 'family' would be your domain, and all he needed to do was bring in the money and keep spending time with his chums at the gold club. Even some university students don't have a calendar as packed as his but he seems to want to live like that.

It's really sad, and to sleep in a spare bedroom over that??? I don't think he's just taking you for granted - it sounds to me like he just doesn't care very much at all about family life. Did he even want a family? Is he one of those men who call their beloved 'THE wife'? instead of 'my wife'?

EarthSight · 16/12/2020 11:06

golf club

MilerVino · 16/12/2020 11:08

His argument is that my plans can easily be rearranged as my plans to meet my friend are quite casual and she has a lot of free time whereas his friends (5 of them) find it harder to find a suitable, agreeable date for all of them.

Superficially this sounds quite reasonable and if he weren't behaving like a sulky teenager he might get away with it. Then you look a bit deeper and realise the problem. He just doesn't think your time is important, whereas his is. You view the calendar as a way for you both to communicate what you're up to. He sees it as a way for him to tell you when he's available. As pp have said, it's all one way.

It's all just so much 'we are men, we are important, our time has value. You are the little woman who stays at home. You fit in around me, because I am Important and you are not'. Fuck that. Glad you're working on getting out OP. Leave your H somewhere back in the 1950s.

BuntysTwinkle · 16/12/2020 11:08

He treats me like a rival

And that's no way to live. A partner is on the same side, not the opposing side.

Technically, you are being difficult, but I understand why.

EarthSight · 16/12/2020 11:08

@LakieLady Lol. I'm not sure what's going on with Covid over there, but I would choose a lovely place to stay in Edinburgh or somewhere like that.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 11:11

If he had broached the conversation with "this wrapping you have to do, is there a time that we can do it together, or a time when I can do it? The lads really want to get together on this day and there isn't another day available. Is there anything else I can do to help to make it possible that we both get a bit of time off? Let's take a look at the calender together."
I definitely would have tried to be more accommodating.
But this is actually how the conversation began: "Do you need this ENTIRE day for wrapping presents? Can you not just swap this to another day and swim on Sunday?"
I say no and explain why
"Well, I think you're selfish and unreasonable. You could easily change your plans if you wanted to."

OP posts:
EarthSight · 16/12/2020 11:16

@LakieLady I also agree with your comment. I was left wondering - where's the love, the affection, the interest the togetherness in all of this??

I'm trying to be as fair as possible and wonder if he somehow feels entitled to all of this for some reason. Does he work extremely hard and feels like this is his one time of year where he gets time to relax and spend time on himself? Seems to be quite a packed calendar to just be that. The kindest assessment I can make is that he finds family life totally overwhelming and dull and is trying to find escapism at a cost to them. Sounds like she's a housekeeper and carer to his children, but not a wife or even a friend.

cuparfull · 16/12/2020 11:22

Wow why are you still with this man? You've enabled him to disrespect you. What example are you setting to your children?

"DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself."

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2020 11:25

He sounds like he still thinks he is single. His relationship with the family is already semi-detached.

TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 11:30

I'd be asking him why his other friends can't change plans to fit in a time that's available. I'm assuming the reason this is the only day they can all make it is because his friends respect their wives and families enough to have plans with them.

It actually makes him sound really pathetic that he has a school boy mentality of wanting to be 'one of the lads' (and the weak-willed one who can't stand up to them and say no, my wife is more important).

Scottishskifun · 16/12/2020 11:32

Do not budge!

It sounds like he gets his own way all the time just simply say no I am having one day to myself for once its your turn to have to delay or change things like I have done many many times.

We are supposed to be a partnership that doesn't mean you doing what you want every time and me having to do everything around you.

Then let him sulk and stew if he wishes to be a teenager.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 11:32

@earthsight I think you're correct.
He does find family life dull and overwhelming and needs the escapism. He enjoys some of the family days out etc,but even then behaves like a silly older sibling rather than an adult.
He has never had any responsibilities, as his parents have done everything for him and I think this is the crux of the matter. He even gets help financially if he runs out of cash etc.
He was not at all like this when we met (or so it seemed) but since DCs, he has shown this huge need for escapism. He works v hard in a management position (believe it or not) so wants to have fun and freedom when not at work.
Before I met him, his mother was still doing his clothes shopping and cleaning his house (at 32 years of age). When I moved in, he really put on a show for me, cleaned, cooked, was attentive. The reality came out when I fell pregnant with DC1.

OP posts:
fromdownwest · 16/12/2020 11:33

Sounds like a total Dick

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 11:35

@trialofstyle and yes he is the weak willed one of the group.
He seems to just tag along, but his friends are also v protective of him as DH is the quiet, reliable, mild mannered one of the group.
The wives of the group are all friends, I barely know any of them as I've not had much opportunity to mix with them. They all seem quite friendly though from the very short periods I've been in their company. DH keeps his friends very separate overall. One of them, I can't say I've ever even met and he goes away with him every year for a long weekend!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/12/2020 11:40

It's not really a relationship, is it? It's like having an overgrown teenager in the house, right down to him not letting you meet his friends.

Anything that you want to do that impinges on his happiness will be seen as selfishness. He just doesn't get it, does he?

Do you ever lie in bed at night and dream about a different life?

WhenPushComesToShove · 16/12/2020 11:43

Bloody hell; he sounds like an absolute selfish arse

Mookie81 · 16/12/2020 12:06

@C8H10N4O2

So your husband, who's worked hard all year through covid and not been allowed to see anyone has finally got a date where him and all his friends are commitment free and you wont let him go?

Oh get away with you. The OP works as well in addition to all the domestic duties. Every previous year he has done exactly what he wanted and for once, when the OP has organised something for herself her activities default to less important?

Sod that.

OP you need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life or if you want a reset in the balance of your relationship. If there isn't a reset you will likely spend the rest of your life "fitting in" with his choices. I've watched too many women do that and regret not resetting their relationship in the earlier years.

Maybe read the rest of the post before kicking off, eh? Hmm
lottiegarbanzo · 16/12/2020 12:11

He does find family life dull and overwhelming and needs the escapism

Who doesn't?????!!!!!!