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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says I'm being unreasonable?

207 replies

Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 07:39

DH usually swamps the family calender in December with Christmas pub crawls, golfing days, overnight city breaks for himself with his friends.
He doesnt at all consider any family activities over the Christmas period, any couple time. Just himself.
This year is obviously different but I thought he might find a way around this. We both have 2 weeks off for Christmas with the DCs.
I thought he might find a way "around" things so scheduled in a bit of time for myself before he got to the calender. I've taken one measley day of the holidays to finish wrapping gifts, finish buying if I haven't finished yet, to meet a friend and do my hobby. Just one day.
He has seen this and is telling me that his group of friends are planning something for this day and that I need to swap my plans for another day.
I've said no, that I'm sticking to this day and that we have tickets to a National Trust Christmas walk, plans to see friends etc around this one day before Christmas. I've suggested 8 alternative dates over the Christmas break that he could try to rearrange this with his friends but he's bow sulking with me, sleeping in the spare room and calling me selfish qnd unreasonable for not rearranging my plans.
I have arranged everything over Christmas, done all the Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts etc and I feel utterly taken for granted that he's behaving like this. I just want this one day which fits in well with other plans. I've told him he doesn't need to join us on the few family days out that I've planned and can go and have a day with his friends on those days.
He still says I'm unreasonable.
He's killing the love tbh. He's behaving like a teenager.

OP posts:
buzzandwoodyallday · 16/12/2020 08:37

He is clearly a bit of a dick, but as you're not doing anything that can't be moved, it wouldn't hurt you to do your thing another day and let him go out with his friends on the day in question. You could always tell him how magnanimous you've been and that because of that he needs to do more family / Christmas stuff this year.. seems like you're annoyed with him anyway and just using this day to cause an argument tbh.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2020 08:37

He sounds like an arsehole tbh. What's the point of being with someone who makes no attempt to take your plans into account?

houseinthesnow · 16/12/2020 08:39

I am not sure why on earth you have allowed this to happen in the first place, his priority is you and the children. You are not some second rate strap on to his social life!!!!

Put him straight on this, and going forward you jointly plan christmas together going forward over coffee, with suggested dates. Your issue is that he values his friends more than his family. I can't see how you change that kind of mindset, but you may be able to agree for future christmases no one puts anything on the calendar without discussion.

Chloemol · 16/12/2020 08:39

Don’t change your plans, leave him to sulk

If he keeps going in about it then remind him about what normally happens, ie he books in load of stuff and leaves you to it, you have sorted everything, you have now made arrangements and are not changing

Waspnest · 16/12/2020 08:39

Women everywhere need to just stop putting up with men who behave like this.

This. Why do so many women on MN have children with so many pricks? I don't see it in real life, only on here.

CrazyBaubles · 16/12/2020 08:41

YANBU. The mistake you're making here is explaining yourself and your reasons - as you've seen, this is just giving him room to try and negotiate with you.

In a normal, equal relationship, this is something you could sort so easily - he'd ask nicely, you'd maybe consider altering plans knowing he will also alter some so you can have more time on a different day BUT that isn't how things work in your relationship.

Has he ever cancelled / rearranged any plans because you've asked him to? I'm guessing he hasn't.
Don't give one inch. Don't explain why anymore. Just walk away and ignore the sulking altogether. If he brings it up, have a stock answer ready (try "we've already talked about it and I'm busy on the 18th. I'm not discussing it anymore.")
Book your swimming session, plan your day - and make sure you're up and out before he can go anywhere on that day.

Plastichearts · 16/12/2020 08:41

Tbf if you are only wrapping presents then you could do that another day. It depends how many other days he will be off on a jolly and not pulling his weight.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/12/2020 08:43

On this particular one you could actually move your day to the day before surely without any impact on you.

But on his general approach he obviously doesn’t see you as a team and he has horrendously overreacted

beavisandbutthead · 16/12/2020 08:46

He is a selfish manchild. My adolescent behaves like him when he doesnt get his own way, sulks, storms around, mopes and keeps trying to grind me down. Now if that was my DH he would be handed his suitcase. If your H wants to behave like a single man, treat you like the hired help and treat you and your Dc so badly then tell him its nice and simple. He can leave for good.

beavisandbutthead · 16/12/2020 08:48

The problem with those suggesting you can change your plans- have you not read the OP, he is sulking and sleeping on the couch? I wouldnt be rewarding that shit

Calmandmeasured1 · 16/12/2020 08:48

His argument is that my plans can easily be rearranged as my plans to meet my friend are quite casual and she has a lot of free time whereas his friends (5 of them) find it harder to find a suitable, agreeable date for all of them.
His childish response is not good but I have to admit that I agree with this. It is far easier in these circumstances for you to rearrange your plans.

I would change my plans but would also discuss why I am so upset. I would discuss the lack of couples time and also the sharing of household tasks.

MaMaD1990 · 16/12/2020 08:49

Stand your ground, let him grump it out. Miserable tight wad. I'd be thinking about taking an extra day of 'me time' just to make a point too (but that's just me 😉)

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 16/12/2020 08:56

Question is, did he actually have any plans before you mentioned you did or is he trying to prevent you going out at all?

I am sure over the 2 weeks he has off others could meet him, or is it, that they respect their partners and want to spend time with them over Christmas.

JillofTrades · 16/12/2020 08:59

The question you should be asking is why do you accept all of this because I'm pretty sure he is just as selfish in every other aspect.

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/12/2020 09:00

I don’t get the impression that OP’s DH normally discusses his plans in advance, he just fills up the calendar and expects OP to fall in line yet she does it once and is expected to change !
To whoever said she has never encounters this in real life - I see it weekly with DSD and also my Goddaughter. Both married to selfish arses ( who happen to be friends!)

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/12/2020 09:05

Unless he is usually reasonable and alters his plans to fit in with you then say no. Does he negotiate or justify his time off or does he just present it as a fait accompli?

Don’t discuss or justify and remind him that you both have an equal right to free time.
I say this as the main earner who works the longest hours. I don’t expect DH to fit all his plans around me anymore than I would tolerate having to always fit in with him.

Livelovebehappy · 16/12/2020 09:06

Absolutely stick to your plans OP, whatever he throws at you. This is bullying behaviour to force you to back down. Don’t give in. He clearly thinks his behaviour will make you rethink your plans, but if you stand firm, it will make him realise his bullying tactics don’t work.

TwentyViginti · 16/12/2020 09:10

He thinks of you as a domestic appliance, and you have been complicit in this. Now it's coming home to roost for you.

You need to change this dynamic and stop martyring yourself to the manchild you married.

Seapoint2002 · 16/12/2020 09:10

Just divorce him now. He is selfish and a bully. Otherwise you will only get another 10 years down the line, it happen anyway and wish you had done it sooner. I don't understand why people get married and then don't want to do couple things.

Original poster
Goojiboo · 16/12/2020 09:11

We are past the point of making plans for Christmas over coffee unfortunately. I've tried involving him, asking his advice, sitting together with the calender on an evening, but he treats me like a rival. He's always planning something or thinking about doing something that he's not being honest and open about. So we created the "whoever gets to the calender first" rule. Because I felt like I was being taken for a mug prioritising all the family stiff whilst he thought only of himself.
I am already in the process of getting ducks in a row.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/12/2020 09:12

He sounds really horrible. There are so many things wrong with this I couldn’t even begin. Maybe in the new year do a bit of evaluation of what you are getting from this marriage compared to what you are putting in?

Stick to your guns regarding the day out. If he’d been nice and pleasant about it all you could have swapped but with his shitty tantrums I would definitely not back down.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 16/12/2020 09:13

OP, we crossed posts. I’m pleased you are getting your ducks in a row. Prioritise yourself and the children now.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/12/2020 09:13

I think for January, you should go into the calendar and schedule in either a Saturday or a Sunday each weekend and a few random weekday evenings as "Busy"

Take yourself off somewhere just to have some time. Even a walk round the supermarket or a coffee shop.

doctorhamster · 16/12/2020 09:14

What does this man child actually bring to your relationship op? I'm happy to read that your ducks are already being lined up Flowers

MaryLeeOnHigh · 16/12/2020 09:14

It's perfectly straightforward. Before making arrangements with friends, each of you check the calendar, if either of you has booked that day for other purposes the other one tells friends they need to avoid that day

He couldn't be bothered to do that because he thought he could bully you out of your one day. So he will have to take the consequences - either he doesn't have his day out with his mates or he asks them to rearrange.