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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this girl

216 replies

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 14:48

Maybe just ignore her ?
She's a friend of a friend. Seemed like a good friend to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her.
The first time I met her she was very open, telling me all about her life and suggesting stuff we should do together. Great, I thought.
Met her a couple more times and thought she was friendly.
Always looking for new friends so I thought I would ask her for a walk and a coffee one day (both in Tier 3) plus, she had added me on social media and had been the one making those suggestions to do things.

She snubbed my invite, read it and no reply, yet was planning to meet up with the mutual friend still.
So I assumed she wasn't interested in being my friend. Stung a little and found it confusing given how she had been in person, but what can you do really.
Told all this to my friend and she said to not take it personally, she could be very scattery and up and down.
Also it's silly to say but she used to 'like' everything or most things I put on social media and then suddenly stopped fully.

She got in contact after 2 weeks saying sorry she had not read the message and had been really busy and stressed with Covid. I replied saying it was ok and trying to make conversation, and once again no reply.
Very odd really. She also cancelled on my friend several times or is often really late, but my friend is very easy-going and says it's fine.
Not really sure how to deal with her. Don't really have to see her but she's really good friends with the mutual friend.
She may have some mental health issues, thivk it's best that I just not give her any further headspace

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2020 15:43

It's just not awwwwwwww hon she's a bitch support! It's grow a backbone and buck up support.

Smallgoon · 16/12/2020 15:57

The amount of bullying on this site is shocking. What miserable lives so many of you must live.

Nowaynothappening · 16/12/2020 15:59

I had a fickle friend like this once. She would be interested in meeting and even suggest meeting herself for a while then would go through a period of cancelling last minute. I started taking it personally until I was at the hairdressers one day and overheard them discussing a woman with the same (quite rare) name. She kept making appointments then cancelling last minute and it was infuriating them. I asked whether they were discussing her and they said yes so obviously she did this a lot.

Overall point is it’s probably nothing personal, she’s just fickle.

Mittens030869 · 16/12/2020 16:01

Exactly, I agree. And it's why I do sometimes ask whether I'm being unreasonable on here sometimes. I know I'll be told straight if I am being unreasonable.

Mittens030869 · 16/12/2020 16:02

That was a reply to @MrsTerryPratchett

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2020 16:03

@Smallgoon

The amount of bullying on this site is shocking. What miserable lives so many of you must live.

There have been massively more posts like yours than any that constitute 'bullying'.

But no, MN isn't squishy and soft and affirming (except when it is) so other websites are available. I'd rather be told I was wrong than stroked but that's a choice.

Smallgoon · 16/12/2020 16:10

You can tell others that they're wrong without being aggressive. The aggressiveness is unnecessary and downright nasty. And let's not deny that it exists.

cantdothisnow1 · 16/12/2020 16:12

Do you know this thread makes me feel quite sad. OP is describing me, i'm flakey when it comes to messaging and social media, sometimes I cancel meet ups (sometimes at short notice) because I can't face the world.

Because I'm anxious and I have a lot going on in my life because I have issues with my H and with my kids that I don't want to bore others with.

I've lost many a friend over it over time.

Also think i have undiagnosed adhd for what it's worth.

cantdothisnow1 · 16/12/2020 16:14

Oh and like the 'girl' that OP describes I don't come across as anxious etc if I meet someone in person because I mask it.

OP give her a chance.

Your exacting expectations of friendship can be too much.

Nonamesavail · 16/12/2020 16:15

This is really odd. Like something my teenager would post.

Mittens030869 · 16/12/2020 16:43

@Smallgoon

We're not denying that there are keyboard warriors who come on here looking for an opportunity to stick the boot in. It's not good, no, and I've seen far worse examples than this thread. There is a report button for when posters are actually verbally abusive

But there are also posters who will give it to you straight if you're being unreasonable. I personally have learned to appreciate these, as we're all unreasonable sometimes and it helps to give another perspective.

But basically AIBU isn't for everyone.

Christmas2021 · 16/12/2020 19:16

Just reread your OP. I think it sounds like your mutual friend told you about each other and this woman wanted to and thought you would hit it off but you just didn't, or haven't yet because you haven't spent a lot of time together. That is probably why she was so friendly. It reads like you met her with the expectation that you'd become friends.

I don't think I would try and meet up one a friend of a friend on their own...seems a little odd? Why would you not include your friend who introduced you? That seems more natural.

She may well be flakey as your friend says, but I don't think that is necessarily relevant. Maybe she isn't looking to or doesn't have the time to invest in new friendships. I agree with PPs that going for a one to one walk could be awkward. I know I wouldn't really fancy this with someone I didn't know that well and would have to actively make conversation with, even if I liked them. I would be enthusiastic if I was dying to have a catch up with a good friend but even then when it came to it I might feel tired, busy etc.

Crankley · 17/12/2020 02:49

Would love to know how people on here claim to make new friends, or does nobody do it at all past the age of 30? Does 'life' mean we can't /shouldn't make any new ones ?

Of course not, I've made friends in my 50s, 60s and 70s. What I haven't done and what you are attempting to do, is force someone to be your friend who seemingly doesn't want to be. That's entirely her choice.

Treat her as what she is, the friend of your friend. You'll make yourself ill if you become obsessed with this.

Monty27 · 17/12/2020 03:38

OP to be fair hrth but from what I have you sound very needy indeed

CardoMondo · 17/12/2020 06:58

Op is clearly attracted to this woman. That’s the only explanation for how hurt she is by it.

Dreamylemon · 17/12/2020 07:27

Some good points from Pp here.

Being wary when someone overshares personal information before they really know you - I've seen this many times in new groups of people and it always seems to end badly.
A 1:1 walk does sound intense with someone I don't know. I would probably make a polite excuse or offer to meet in a group
She sounds flaky and inconsistent. I am too. It's nothing personal to you I imagine. Your mutual friend has said shes flaky with her too, but yiu said your friend is laid back - maybe the flakiness doesn't bother her?

I get the desire to make new friends op but sadly you may not be compatible with this woman

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