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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this girl

216 replies

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 14:48

Maybe just ignore her ?
She's a friend of a friend. Seemed like a good friend to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her.
The first time I met her she was very open, telling me all about her life and suggesting stuff we should do together. Great, I thought.
Met her a couple more times and thought she was friendly.
Always looking for new friends so I thought I would ask her for a walk and a coffee one day (both in Tier 3) plus, she had added me on social media and had been the one making those suggestions to do things.

She snubbed my invite, read it and no reply, yet was planning to meet up with the mutual friend still.
So I assumed she wasn't interested in being my friend. Stung a little and found it confusing given how she had been in person, but what can you do really.
Told all this to my friend and she said to not take it personally, she could be very scattery and up and down.
Also it's silly to say but she used to 'like' everything or most things I put on social media and then suddenly stopped fully.

She got in contact after 2 weeks saying sorry she had not read the message and had been really busy and stressed with Covid. I replied saying it was ok and trying to make conversation, and once again no reply.
Very odd really. She also cancelled on my friend several times or is often really late, but my friend is very easy-going and says it's fine.
Not really sure how to deal with her. Don't really have to see her but she's really good friends with the mutual friend.
She may have some mental health issues, thivk it's best that I just not give her any further headspace

OP posts:
wildraisins · 15/12/2020 19:14

Sometimes people are just like this with people they don't know that well and "potential" friends. It can take a while to get into someone's friend zone and sometimes they are just not really looking for new friends.

Just give her space and don't worry about it.

Paintedmaypole · 15/12/2020 19:18

She has confused you by blowing hot and cold. In future I would be polite and friendly if I saw her but act like I hadn't noticed. If she suggests meeting up just leave it in her court by suggesting she texts you when she has time. If she does don't always be available yourself. It doesn't look like she is a potential friend so don't give ittoo much thought.Takeno notice of the overly critical responses on here.

ReetDortyLass · 15/12/2020 19:19

She is probably a bit of a people pleaser and says what she thinks people want to hear in the moment but it is verbal fluff and meaningless.

Smallgoon · 15/12/2020 19:19

@Gloriainexcelcis

Hahahaha. Calling somebody a girl is comparable to using the n word. Good lord.
Christ. What is wrong with people? How is 'girl' even comparable? Hmm
Mittens030869 · 15/12/2020 19:19

It could be an oversight, OP. I do my best not to ignore messages, but I do slip up sometimes much to my chagrin. I always reply eventually, though, and apologise.

I do think you’re overthinking, though, OP. You hardly know this woman, she’s simply a friend of a friend. Your friend has actually said that she can be flakey, so her lack of a response is hardly out of character. Just act bright and breezy around her and don’t expect to become close friends with her.

I do think some posters have been unnecessarily sarcastic, though. It’s always the way on here, and I’ve never understood it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 15/12/2020 19:26

Dunno about you OP but I have zero time for people like this.

Honestly? In a friend context, she's "just not that in to you". Just leave her, if she wants to be friends let her chase you.

VeganCow · 15/12/2020 19:50

I think shes had a drink when she is messaging you, sober when she is ignoring you.

Twillow · 15/12/2020 19:52

She's a bit flaky, you're not even friends really yet, it's obviously not going to work as it's already irritating you. Forget about it.

Bourbonbiccy · 15/12/2020 19:54

@Gloriainexcelcis some people are just generally disingenuous, they think it being polite by saying "nice" things they don't really mean, expecting the other person not to take it at face value. But that aside

You held out the offer, she wasn't that fussed.
She probably then seen she hadn't replied, didn't want to be rude so acknowledged your message but didn't want any friendship just acquaintances. That's ok.

I do have someone who used to be close to us, who now just drops off the messages when she wants, in the middle of chats, it's random but if it gives her what she needs to feel, I just leave her to it.

OhDearMuriel · 15/12/2020 19:54

I think in the kindest way YABU.
It's always a bit of a warning sign imo when people are too full on at the start of a friendship like this. They often seem to fizzle out very quickly.

Don't take it personally and don't think too deeply about it - this is what people can be like, after-all you really don't know her very well.

Stick to your mutual friend and if and when (don't push things) develop with her, then great and if not, leave her be - what's there to worry about - she was never meant to be a proper/real friend.

HeckyPeck · 15/12/2020 19:56

Wow some posters here are nasty for no reason

Yep. That's how it is round here nowadays. I'm embarrassed reading some of the nasty comments.

EmilyinWolverhampton · 15/12/2020 19:59

Yeah, some people are just a bit weird, or flaky or whatever.

I worked with a woman very briefly about four years ago. The very first time we met, she was super full-on and acted like my best friend, asked me to go on holiday and all sorts. She acted like that for a few months, then vanished entirely. About a year later she popped up again, did the same thing, then vanished again. Nowadays I get a phone call from her about twice a year where she cries, talks about how much she loves and misses me and basically talks at me for about two hours, we make plans to meet, then I put the phone down in the knowledge that that's the last I'll see of her for another six months. It's honestly less hassle to go through these phone calls twice a year than to actually formally end the friendship and deal with all the fallout.

On the other hand, my oldest and dearest friend has mental health problems and will sometimes vanish entirely for months. It used to really upset me but now I know it's nothing to do with me and that she does always come out of it eventually.

In my experience people's behaviour is usually about them, not about you.

user686833 · 15/12/2020 20:02

@Eckhart, that isn't fair. The OP was just replying to me, a person with ADHD when agreeing it might be ADHD. One in 20 people have ADHD or another neurodiversity that massively impacts on their executive function which means they are likely to be flakey with replying to messages and being on time for things. It is statistically not more likely to assume the person just doesn't like her and is being deliberately rude. I wish people would jump to considering they may have a 'medical diagnosis' over simply assuming they are rude more often.

RettyPriddle · 15/12/2020 20:12

I get what you’re saying OP. You’re wondering what her agenda is, because you’re being genuine, but you’re not sure if she is. I tend not to bother with anyone who appears off. I don’t judge them, but I do avoid engaging. Be breezy if you see her, but don’t bother worrying about being friends with her.

Christmas2021 · 15/12/2020 20:16

OP I understand where you're coming from. Of course it is a bit awkward if she is a friend of a mutual friend, you want to know where you stand with her.

I have had a similar situation with a Mum friend of mine - talking lots of talk and initiating plans and contact but then cancelling or not replying. It is really confusing and left me thinking "what's the point in this?". I kept biting though because I liked her company and felt we got on well when I did see her.

I've come to realise that I'm quite a black and white person. I will invest time and effort in friendships that I want to persue, but don't waste time or energy when I don't feel I click with someone. Perhaps sometimes the other person just doesn't feel we've clicked in the same way?

Some people like the idea of being friends with absolutely everyone and will fake over enthusiasm for the friendship. It just isn't realistic to maintain that many friendships and I think that's where the flakiness comes in. They say enough to reel you in and keep you in the picture, but drop the effort once they know you're still around.

kidscreatemess · 15/12/2020 20:18

Honestly OP this sounds like me. I read a message and get distracted by the kids so think "I'll send a reply later" then forget.
I feel like an awful friend sometimes but when life is crazy with small kids and busy work something has to give.
I'm sure it's not you and hopefully she'll get in touch in her own time.

ItisRainingAgain · 15/12/2020 20:36

You’ve only met her once so really you are massively overthinking this, it seems super intense and all these discussions with a mutual friend and worrying about seeing her again when she didn’t respond to your one or two messages about meeting up. Too much! Maybe she’s gotten wind of this from your mutual friend, it would make me back right off!

If you are to become friends it will develop in its own time. Try not to be so invested in someone you don’t know. I get that you want to be her friend but friendships develop in their own time. I can see why posters asked your age as this sort of behaviour is generally teen behaviour, from people who are just learning to navigate the adult world of friendships that aren’t just based on who you’re stuck with during school hours. Adult friendships are very different. So be nice and friendly when you see her but stop putting this expectation that she will behave in a certain way with you as you are reacting like you’ve been insulted by a close friend but she is someone you’ve met once. I get that this must be difficult but just try to chill a bit and not be so over the top, if you find common ground then the friendship will develop over time.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 20:36

[quote user686833]@Eckhart, that isn't fair. The OP was just replying to me, a person with ADHD when agreeing it might be ADHD. One in 20 people have ADHD or another neurodiversity that massively impacts on their executive function which means they are likely to be flakey with replying to messages and being on time for things. It is statistically not more likely to assume the person just doesn't like her and is being deliberately rude. I wish people would jump to considering they may have a 'medical diagnosis' over simply assuming they are rude more often.[/quote]
The woman doesn't really know OP. They're not friends, and she has replied sporadically to OP. That's all we know. You could take that to an ADHD specialist, you could take that to the ADHD gods, and they wouldn't be prepared to even suggest a diagnosis on such flimsy grounds. The woman is highly likely to simply just not be that 'into' OP. I didn't suggest What you are suggesting, in essence is that ADHD is more common than people failing to respond to social invitations from near strangers.

When did I say I thought she was being deliberately rude?

It might make your life easier if people jumped to the conclusion that what looked like rudeness was ADHD, but this isn't about you.

Hellothere19999 · 15/12/2020 20:41

I used to know someone like that and tbh or just gets annoying. Just keep it friendly but don’t make an effort coz there is no point x

Original poster
Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 20:41

I have met her several times, not once.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2020 20:54

[quote user686833]@Eckhart, that isn't fair. The OP was just replying to me, a person with ADHD when agreeing it might be ADHD. One in 20 people have ADHD or another neurodiversity that massively impacts on their executive function which means they are likely to be flakey with replying to messages and being on time for things. It is statistically not more likely to assume the person just doesn't like her and is being deliberately rude. I wish people would jump to considering they may have a 'medical diagnosis' over simply assuming they are rude more often.[/quote]
Me too. I have ADHD and recognize myself!

However the OP is engaging with all the negative and none of the positive so there's little point.

FWIW I am a great friend. Flakey, a bit useless at consistency, I'll give you a ridiculously expensive present one year and then forget for two more years. But if it's 3am and you need a place to stay, I'm there.

Us ADHD women are great for the right friend. Not the OP clearly!

Hawkins001 · 15/12/2020 21:54

Im not sure what too offer, however it is puzzling when people do this, seem all interested one moment then very gone with the wind, the best options are you were there until her other friends became available or she was intrigued but then for some reason then it seems her original plan then changed. Best advice is be civil and political, being keep positive with the person however don't expect any full commitment to any suggestions she makes.

EmilyinWolverhampton · 15/12/2020 23:23

however it is puzzling when people do this, seem all interested one moment then very gone with the wind, the best options are you were there until her other friends became available or she was intrigued but then for some reason then it seems her original plan then changed.

Occam's Razor: when the behaviour of a person you don't know well changes, it's extremely unlikely to have anything to do with you.

Human psychology is wired to make us believe that other people's behaviour is about us, because we are all the star of our own private life story. In reality other people are rarely thinking about us at all, much less coming up with "plans" that feature us as the star.

If someone you don't know is really enthusiastic about you, it's probably because you just happened to be in front of them at a moment when they were feeling especially gregarious/extroverted/needy/manic. If they then fade out of sight, it's almost certainly because they're busy/depressed/stressed/focusing on other things, and are simply not thinking about you at all.

EmilyinWolverhampton · 15/12/2020 23:24

Best advice is be civil and political, being keep positive with the person however don't expect any full commitment to any suggestions she makes.

I agree this is very good advice.

namechangetheworld · 15/12/2020 23:58

She sounds just like me OP. I'm very friendly in real life but I'm awful at keeping in touch and replying to messages. It can take me weeks to reply to some, if I remember to reply at all. Please don't take it as a reflection on you - it's just the way she is.