Not sure how to deal with this girl

[Gloriainexcelcis]

Maybe just ignore her ?
She's a friend of a friend. Seemed like a good friend to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her.
The first time I met her she was very open, telling me all about her life and suggesting stuff we should do together. Great, I thought.
Met her a couple more times and thought she was friendly.
Always looking for new friends so I thought I would ask her for a walk and a coffee one day (both in Tier 3) plus, she had added me on social media and had been the one making those suggestions to do things.

She snubbed my invite, read it and no reply, yet was planning to meet up with the mutual friend still.
So I assumed she wasn't interested in being my friend. Stung a little and found it confusing given how she had been in person, but what can you do really.
Told all this to my friend and she said to not take it personally, she could be very scattery and up and down.
Also it's silly to say but she used to 'like' everything or most things I put on social media and then suddenly stopped fully.

She got in contact after 2 weeks saying sorry she had not read the message and had been really busy and stressed with Covid. I replied saying it was ok and trying to make conversation, and once again no reply.
Very odd really. She also cancelled on my friend several times or is often really late, but my friend is very easy-going and says it's fine.
Not really sure how to deal with her. Don't really have to see her but she's really good friends with the mutual friend.
She may have some mental health issues, thivk it's best that I just not give her any further headspace

Emily my main perspective was trying to help the op consider some possible options as to why the person was originally focused on the op, there must of been some reason the person was intrigued at first, and yes it could be a mix as to why they were but for a point of time the person was intrigued, so it stands too reason one way or other her perspectives or plans for the op, then disappeared.

I’m awful for forgetting to reply to messages and sometimes I like things on social media and then sometimes I don’t, either because I’m not on it, or I miss it or just not in the mood. I mean absolutely nothing by this, just I have a family and a life and can’t be arsed with friends who expect me to be at their beck and call. I think you’re reading too much into this and wonder why you are so needy to be friends with this woman.

I would be a bit overwhelmed and find it intense tbh if someone I’d met through a mutual friend only a couple of times asked me for a 1:1 walk and texted multiple times after slow / no replies. I’m also friendly and outgoing but get anxious and would have to have felt a really strong connection to find time for that and not just be stressed it would be super awkward and intense to be 1:1 so soon. And on ‘how do people make friends’; a bit more naturally and at a slower speed in general, which is unfortunately really hard in tier 3 atm. I agree you sound mismatched in communication/friendship styles and that’s not saying anything bad about either of you; you’re just mismatched. That’s a shame if you were hoping for a deeper friendship but she doesn’t owe you that, and I agree she’s probably just not that into you unfortunately. I also find people being super over-sharey as she was on your first meeting a massive red flag and that would have put me off too tbh, so I’m sure she has her own things going on and this isn’t about her going out of her way to spurn you. I also really don’t see all the awful keyboard warriors here that are apparently everywhere; anyone not agreeing with you OP, even gently and politely, you seem really offended and upset by. It is a lot of emotion for someone you barely know, and then a lot of emotion to the responses you get from strangers on the internet about a person you barely know. I’d just let it go and hope to develop some other more mutually rewarding friendships in the future, which I hope you can.

She just sounds like she’s got a lot going on and might be a bit forgetful. Don’t take it personally.

The lateness. Just carry on without her and she can catch up or whatever

Not buying some of the replies sorry.
I've met her several times over a few months, how long does it take to grow a friendship, years ?
And can totally understand the reasons, but surely somebody with a bit of self awareness might say 'sorry can't meet atm-lot going on /tier 3/prefer to be in a group' etc. It takes a second.
Don't see how they can 'forget' twice that they were talking to me that day.
Yes maybe I am intense or maybe just have basic standards. I won't send anything else anyway or think about it anymore, not worth it really.

I've known several people over a long period of time (years), that I wouldn't class as friends. Acquaintances, 'people I know', yes. But they're not my friends. I am however friendly to them, and will occasionally meet up for coffee/dinner/a walk. Meeting someone a few times doesn't automatically make them your friend.

Sounds like this woman doesn't think of you as her friend. Even if she was a little intense the first time you met. Don't take it personally, some of us find it hard to call someone a trusted friend, unless we've both 'clicked' and have developed that relationship over the years. Honestly, it's not worth it getting so worked up about this. If she messages in the future and you fancy meeting her, great. But until then, stop reminding her you're supposed to meet soon, and see how it all evolves.

I'm wondering whether what she's doing is putting on an act to make it look like she's enjoying herself when she isn't. In other words putting on a mask and overdoing it?

That's what I try to do at social events or when visiting friends or family. So they then think I'm in fine form when the truth is very different; I suffer from PTSD and CFS (long Covid as well this year).

Social anxiety can also make people talk too much sometimes. (I'm aware that I do this sometimes as well.)

That's not to say that she isn't being rude not to at least give you the courtesy of replying, though.

@Gloriainexcelcis

I can say girl if I like.

Sorry but you need to get a life mate

And can totally understand the reasons, but surely somebody with a bit of self awareness might say 'sorry can't meet atm-lot going on /tier 3/prefer to be in a group' etc. It takes a second.

You said in your OP that she had messaged you, that she'd apologised, and that she'd explained she was "busy and stressed."

Honestly I don't see the need for 8 pages speculating and inventing wild theories about "plans" - the woman has told you flat out why, and it has nothing to do with the OP at all. It doesn't even indicate that she doesn't want to be friends, just that she's overwhelmed right now. There's no reason to believe that she's a liar and is pretending to be busy/stressed/not coping with mental health problems and that actually she has some whole plan revolving around the OP who she barely knows.

And making comments like "it only takes a second to send a message" indicates a lack of self-awareness, and certainly a lack of understanding about mental health problems. I have an email in my inbox I've been needing to reply to since July, it would take less than five minutes to write, every single time I check my email it's like the bloody Tell Tale Heart reminding me what a loser I am for being unable to send one email. That's simply what mental illness is. And it's all well and good to say "it only takes a second to send a message" but it's not just one message, she may well have 50 messages she needs to reply to.

Why not just take her at her word and accept that she's just "busy and stressed" and struggling to keep up with contact right now?

Omg leave her alone! 😂😂 why on earth do you care so much? I often ignore messages on Facebook, there is one sitting there from two days ago from a good friend right now actually that I’ll try to remember to reply to later today. At the same time I sent a message to a different friend two days ago and she’s read it and hasn’t replied. So what!! 😂😂

Yes maybe I am intense or maybe just have basic standards

Your standards are unrealistically exacting. She's told you she's stressed and busy, and yet still you'd rather give her a cod diagnosis of ADHD or other mental health difficulties than to simply accept that someone she's only met a few times is not her priority.

Why is your assumption that she owes you something, and must be ill if she doesn't give it to you? You're not close friends, she's told you she's busy, and you probably haven't crossed her mind since. She's an adult getting on with her life, and you need to do the same.

'leave her alone' because i've sent 2 messages in 3 months.
Mental health isn't an OK to be rude.
I am deleting my account because I am fed up of the pile ons on here.
Get off your high horses.
Thanks to some posters here who are able to disagree without being sarcastic, rude and nasty.
Take care.

@Gloriainexcelcis

'leave her alone' because i've sent 2 messages in 3 months. Mental health isn't an OK to be rude. I am deleting my account because I am fed up of the pile ons on here. Get off your high horses. Thanks to some posters here who are able to disagree without being sarcastic, rude and nasty. Take care.

No, because you’re still giving it so much headspace! She’s busy, you’re not a priority to her right now, that’s just how it is! Don’t take things so personally, you barely know her, she barely knows you ... honestly why ARE you giving it so much headspace? Are you attracted to her?

Quite a few people I know have acted like this. I don't think MH is a reasonable excuse for prolonged repeated rudeness and hot/cold treatment. I gave up on all of them eventually. Surprisingly no attempts at contact from them since.

I’d say there’s a difference between being friendly with someone in a group setting or with another friend there and asking someone to go for a walk on their own with you. It’s quite a lot of time to spend with someone if you’ve only met a couple of times?

Maybe just me but if they’ve got a hectic life anyway it might just be one too many things to do and she obviously is closer to your mutual friend so more likely to prioritise.

I am guilty of the ‘we must catch up soon!!’ with acquaintances when in reality it’s unlikely we will make that much effort with everything else going on.

However, I do sympathise and it can’t be nice thinking you hit it off with someone and then for them to ignore you.

I am deleting my account because I am fed up of the pile ons on here

The rest of us will spend months wondering why you deserted us, having started a thread and received perfectly reasonable responses, and we may diagnose you with a mental health disorder (although we have no qualifications whatsoever in this area) because there is no way that we could presume ourselves not to be your priority.

Shows what a nasty piece of work you are.

There is no difference between my post to you and your thoughts about this woman. If you don't like what I said, look to your own thought processes and patterns. I was mirroring you, and as you can see, it doesn't look very nice.

Why do you think she owes it to you to be making more effort than she is?

I think sometimes when we are feeling insecure, it can be difficult not personalising other people’s behaviour. For example, if my sister takes longer than usual or doesn’t reply to messages for a while, it’s easy to think that this a response to something I’ve done or the way I am with her. In reality, she could be trying to reduce her screen time or spend more time with family or anything else really that would lead to her not replying as quickly as usual.

Do you think you might be feeling a bit insecure or questioning your self worth? If so, it’s good to remind yourself that people are mostly wrapped up in their own life and worries and are often not acting or saying things in a direct response to you.

Mental health isn't an OK to be rude.
I don't think MH is a reasonable excuse for prolonged repeated rudeness and hot/cold treatment.

Not immediately jumping whenever anyone you've ever met clicks their fingers is not "rude."

It took her an entire two weeks (wow what an unbearable delay!) to reply to the OP's message, and when she did reply she apologised for the delay and gave a clear explanation why. What on earth is rude about that?

IMO it's exceptionally rude and entitled to demand that other people drop everything whenever you happen to want their attention.

FFS taking a few days to reply to a Facebook message isn't "blowing hot and cold" it's just normal human behaviour, tons of people don't use social media every day, or get busy and stressed with other things and social media/social media messages just slip out of their mind.

No, agreed, MH issues aren't an excuse for being rude. But they are a reason to cut someone a bit of slack, especially someone who you don't really know well.

I also don't get why it matters so much to have a close friendship with her. She can remain a friend of a friend who you get on well with when you meet up as part of a group. You might become good friends with her in time, but you're expecting too much too quickly, I think. I wouldn't be keen on meeting up for a walk with someone I didn't know very well. (A group walk which included both of us would be an attractive proposition, however.)

I'm sorry that you've found some of the comments to be out of order. There were a few where that was the case, but that's always the way on AIBU. There have been some very helpful suggestions, too, however.

I have actually benefited from the straight talking on here when I've posted a thread about something I've been unhappy about. I know I'll get told if I need to give my head a wobble!

@Gloriainexcelcis

Shows what a nasty piece of work you are.

Shake yourself down. You posted a load of shite (I have before now ) Own your shite and move on. Don't flounce off in high dudgeon, you will be showing what a drama queen you are :) Spoken by a drama queen (at times) (when I feel like it)

I think I flounced and had to slink back with a name change when I was new.

Happy days.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Yes indeed, AIBU takes some getting used to at first. After a while you learn that there will always be some keyboard warriors looking for a bunfight. But it's well worth persevering because there is also a lot of support.