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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this girl

216 replies

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 14:48

Maybe just ignore her ?
She's a friend of a friend. Seemed like a good friend to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her.
The first time I met her she was very open, telling me all about her life and suggesting stuff we should do together. Great, I thought.
Met her a couple more times and thought she was friendly.
Always looking for new friends so I thought I would ask her for a walk and a coffee one day (both in Tier 3) plus, she had added me on social media and had been the one making those suggestions to do things.

She snubbed my invite, read it and no reply, yet was planning to meet up with the mutual friend still.
So I assumed she wasn't interested in being my friend. Stung a little and found it confusing given how she had been in person, but what can you do really.
Told all this to my friend and she said to not take it personally, she could be very scattery and up and down.
Also it's silly to say but she used to 'like' everything or most things I put on social media and then suddenly stopped fully.

She got in contact after 2 weeks saying sorry she had not read the message and had been really busy and stressed with Covid. I replied saying it was ok and trying to make conversation, and once again no reply.
Very odd really. She also cancelled on my friend several times or is often really late, but my friend is very easy-going and says it's fine.
Not really sure how to deal with her. Don't really have to see her but she's really good friends with the mutual friend.
She may have some mental health issues, thivk it's best that I just not give her any further headspace

OP posts:
BeanieB2020 · 15/12/2020 17:58

Her having time to meet up with your mutual friend is not the same thing as her having time to meet up with you. Mutual friend is her close friend. You are not.

I often say no to meeting up with acquaintances while continuing to see my close friend because my close friends are the priority. I only have so much free time, and if I have to choose between an acquaintance and a close friend, I'll choose the close friend. It doesn't mean I don't like the acquaintance, it means I only have a certain amount of time and have to prioritize accordingly.

She may also be feeling that you are overly invested in a friendship that doesn't exist yet, as you definitely seem to be here. I'd stop interacting one on one and let a friendship grow over time through seeing her in other groups if it's going to happen. In a group setting it usually takes me a year or so before any meeting up outside of the group one on one happens. People sometimes like time to get to know each other before doing things one on one. She might worry it will be awkward just the two of you if you don't know each other and have enough to talk about.

ddl1 · 15/12/2020 18:00

It sounds to me as though she is very stressed and a bit moody because of Covid, and making new friends may not be at the top of her priority list. With the social restrictions of Tier 3, she may be concentrating on maintaining existing relationships insofar as is possible. Also, the run-up to Christmas, especially under present conditions, may be taking up a lot of her time and attention. I doubt that she is being hostile to you.

NiceGerbil · 15/12/2020 18:01

I think you sound like hard work OP to be honest.

Your response to posters on here is a bit peculiar.

As is deciding she's got ADHD, mental health issues, is jealous of you etc etc

Your last post, you're saying you've just contacted her again? I don't get it.

cabingirl · 15/12/2020 18:11

Some people are just more 'breezy' in friendships - they love chatting to people when they are there in front of them but are so busy and distracted by other things in their lives they don't put the same amount of effort in building new friendships or even think about friendships in the same way.

If this is the first time you've met someone like that it can be confusing. It's no reflection on you.

With people like this you can either decide not to bother with them, or to simply enjoy what they are without any expectations.

So if you see her with your mutual friend, or even if you manage to organise a walk with her on your own - just have a lovely time in that moment, but don't be surprised if you find more flakiness in the future.

They go in the great at a dinner party where they will charm and entertain everyone and have a wonderful time box, but you're not going to be able to call them if your gran dies and you need a shoulder to lean on.

Brieminewine · 15/12/2020 18:17

Given the OPs responses it’s quite easy to see why this girl is keeping her in the acquaintance rather than friend category!

Jozen · 15/12/2020 18:18

Friendships shouldn't have to be this hard OP. True friendship will come naturally and be easy going to maintain.
I wouldn't give any further headspace to a woman you don't really know that well and doesn't seem that interested in being "friends" friends with you. Perhaps she'll be more of an acquaintance if you meet up again with your mutual friend and that's ok too.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 18:20

@Brieminewine

Given the OPs responses it’s quite easy to see why this girl is keeping her in the acquaintance rather than friend category!
Seconded. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who diagnosed me with ADHD just because I didn't get back to them. What an ego.
EmilyinWolverhampton · 15/12/2020 18:24

OP, you barely know her. Her behaviour is very unlikely to be about you. She's probably not even thinking about you, so stop devoting so much headspace to her.

She's said she has mental health problems, has been very stressed, and has been busy. Why can't you take her at her word, rather than assuming her going through a phase of being really OTT and gregarious followed by a phase of being subdued and withdrawn is all about you?

She's not being busy AT you. She's not being stressed or going through shit AT you. Just let it go and see whether the friendship naturally develops in the future or not.

Unicant · 15/12/2020 18:24

I think you are overthinking this. It doesnt sound like she ignored you on purpose you have confirmation from your other friend that she is just generally scatty and also that she cancelled on someone else and has been extra scatty of late... so clearly this isn't some sort of personal issue with you. Also once you click like on somones post on Facebook the algorithm sends you more of their posts on your feed.. but if you miss some or click on someones else's for a few days then Facebook will send you more of tht.. it may be tht for a time she was just seeing loads of your posts but now doesn't.. id assume it was that rather than some personal sleight.
I think you do need to stop giving this head space you don't even really know her so this is pretty early to be taking offence with someone.

EssentialHummus · 15/12/2020 18:35

Op I get it, she acted like she wanted to be friends and then randomly rebuffed you, which is confusing and won’t make you feel great.

This. It can feel rejecting. Just leave her to it - if she mentions meeting up again just say "Great, you let me know when you fancy it" and let her get in touch.

It could be busy-ness, or scattiness, or needing to have people chase you, or lots of oher things that may or may not go to your compatibility as friends.

CattyP89 · 15/12/2020 18:38

Both tier 3 should you even be meeting? Don’t go by Social media who doesn’t read some from time to time and forgets to reply plus as you don’t know her that well yet she may have lots going on she hasn’t shared. Don’t be put off though if you want to be friends just keep trying it’s nice you care about the other friend enough to make an effort with her some people would be jealous of another friendship

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 18:43

Don’t be put off though if you want to be friends just keep trying

This made me laugh! Don't read the signals, don't back off when someone doesn't seem keen, just keep on chasing and chasing and chasing until you catch them and force them to be your friend, or one of you dies, whichever comes soonest.

EmilyinWolverhampton · 15/12/2020 18:51

Oh come on, there's a huge difference between reaching out to someone who's enthusiastically chased YOU and actively pursued your friendship, when they've gone through a bad patch during which they've been flaky and dropped out of contact with everyone except close friends, and chase-chase-chasing someone who's made clear they're not interested.

CattyP89 · 15/12/2020 18:51

@Eckhart let’s not be dramatic I don’t mean bombard I just mean keep on being nice if you see her with the other friend etc knowing the friend has mental health her knowing someone cares could help

Cleebeeface · 15/12/2020 18:52

You’re getting a hard time here. Ridiculous really.
Maybe this girl has anxiety? Sometimes I suggest to meet up , then anxiety takes over and I panic and cancel. Especially with new people.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 18:53

[quote CattyP89]@Eckhart let’s not be dramatic I don’t mean bombard I just mean keep on being nice if you see her with the other friend etc knowing the friend has mental health her knowing someone cares could help[/quote]
She can't keep being nice, the other woman's ignoring her. I'm anything but dramatic. My advice was 'Forget it.'

WiseOwlWan · 15/12/2020 18:56

I agree you're having a hard time here.

You posted about something you want to figure out, you want to handle a difficult situation better, and I thinks that's aware, mature, optimisitic.
You've been labelled intense. Every time I've ever posted anything on mumsnet I've been labelled a troll or worse.

Tamingofthehamster · 15/12/2020 19:02

Maybe she finds it much easier meeting in a group than a one-to/one situation-much less pressure to keep a conversation going, much more relaxing, especially with someone you don’t know that well. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you.

mimi0708 · 15/12/2020 19:02

Hi OP,

Maybe she is just really busy, if you're bothered by her not replying then just don't get close. I am like her and tbh some of my friends too, I take ages to reply and I don't always message but my friends sort of get it and we just catch up when we can

CattyP89 · 15/12/2020 19:03

@Eckhart chase until someone dies is dramatic it made me laugh I wasn’t saying it in a bad way all I meant by my response was just keep being nice I think it’s hard to talk on here my face was smiling my message probably didn’t come across polite so Im sorry. Perfect example though of how things online can be mis read or tone not come across how it was meant. The saying is be kind just go forward being kind OP so if you see her with other friend face to face it’s not awkward.

Smallgoon · 15/12/2020 19:03

@Gloriainexcelcis

People say things on here they wouldn't dare say IRL. And I will defend myself even though they are not really worth it. I guess i'm worried about seeing her again, which I may well do through my friend. May be totally wrong but she might be jealous of my friendship with the other girl or may have just taken a disliking to me. Oh well never mind, just wish she hadn't acted all friendly and interested.
Ignore the keyboard warriors. They clearly lead such perfect lives themselves sitting high up on that perch.
Kokosrieksts · 15/12/2020 19:04

I think you are overthinking it. Pay more attention to what she is like in real life. I often forget to answer to facebook messages, I quickly read them but then something distracts me and I think I’ll reply later and often forget.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 19:06

chase until someone dies is dramatic it made me laugh

I was joking too, @CattyP89 so I'm glad you laughed!

Ithinkim · 15/12/2020 19:10

I think it sounds like your ego has been dented a little, you thought she liked you and you'd make a friend but it turns out that it's not going to happen

It's natural for it to sting a bit. I would be polite but keep her at arms length when you next meet.

mummytippy · 15/12/2020 19:13

I used to be like you but now I just think if they're busy or not reciprocating effort - give up and don't give her headspace.
Remember the saying - 'All talk and no trousers'?

Just see her with your other friend and don't take how she has been personally Flowers

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