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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this girl

216 replies

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 14:48

Maybe just ignore her ?
She's a friend of a friend. Seemed like a good friend to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her.
The first time I met her she was very open, telling me all about her life and suggesting stuff we should do together. Great, I thought.
Met her a couple more times and thought she was friendly.
Always looking for new friends so I thought I would ask her for a walk and a coffee one day (both in Tier 3) plus, she had added me on social media and had been the one making those suggestions to do things.

She snubbed my invite, read it and no reply, yet was planning to meet up with the mutual friend still.
So I assumed she wasn't interested in being my friend. Stung a little and found it confusing given how she had been in person, but what can you do really.
Told all this to my friend and she said to not take it personally, she could be very scattery and up and down.
Also it's silly to say but she used to 'like' everything or most things I put on social media and then suddenly stopped fully.

She got in contact after 2 weeks saying sorry she had not read the message and had been really busy and stressed with Covid. I replied saying it was ok and trying to make conversation, and once again no reply.
Very odd really. She also cancelled on my friend several times or is often really late, but my friend is very easy-going and says it's fine.
Not really sure how to deal with her. Don't really have to see her but she's really good friends with the mutual friend.
She may have some mental health issues, thivk it's best that I just not give her any further headspace

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2020 15:46

OP, on the 'harsh' responses.

My toddler and someone else's toddler once collided in the street. Both toddlers hit pretty hard. I said, "shake it off DD". The other parent said, "OMG ARE YOU OK DARLING COME HERE" and showered the child in love. Mine didn't cry.

MN gives 'shake it off' advice. There are places if you need the second kind but I prefer the first, which is why I'm here. It's not you, it's MN.

LisaLee333 · 15/12/2020 15:47

@Gloriainexcelcis Ignore the spiteful comments on here like 'are you a teenager?' and 'she is not a girl!' and all that crap. I call women girls all the time. 'Girls night out' anyone? 'Here come the girls....' 'girl code.' lots of songs with girl in the title.

These are the same stuck-up snobs who scream at you if you say vagina instead of vulva. IRL no-one says 'vulva.' And no-one goes hysterical if you call a woman of 31 a girl. If someone said anything like that to me in real life 'it's WOMAN not GIRL,' I would laugh at them, and they would be laughed at by most people.

And as for the posters posting PURELY to have a go at you for calling a 31 y.o woman a 'girl' and not even giving any advice or help. WTAF? I wonder if these people would speak to people like this in real life? If they do, they can't have any friends!

Of course YANBU to be a bit miffed, but try not to let it get to you. As @borntobequiet said, this girl sounds like hard work.. And yep, some people are just a bit shit at getting in touch. And no matter what anyone says, MOST people are chuffed to get lots of 'likes' on social media, and will feel a bit miffed if they get none.

It may be a bit 'daft' to some, but people are entitled to feel what they feel without snide and pious people ridiculing them for it, like they are somehow better because they 'don't give a shit' about social media likes or if people don't call or text them back.

CorianderQueen · 15/12/2020 15:47

I've done this before when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I love people and doing things etc but a bad week at work/feel like shit and it can suddenly feel a bit too much and I just want to stay in my house and stay away from people.

A walk with a virtual stranger doesn't sound enjoyable tbh.

Gandalf456 · 15/12/2020 15:48

I agree. I find it very odd. I would never suggest something if I didn't envisage doing it.

I would ignore any other messages and just remain polite and friendly but slightly distant. If she suggests anything justsay 'Hmm, could do. I'll let you know '

Original poster
Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 15:48

I like how a lot of people on here make out that they are made of steel and nothing at all bothers them (apart from being called a girl !)

OP posts:
DryRoastPeanut · 15/12/2020 15:49

Life has a habit of getting in the way. Quit being so put out!

CorianderQueen · 15/12/2020 15:49

Although tbf I'm never late for anything

Original poster
Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 15:49

I've met her several times, and isn't that how people make friendships ? Eventually somebody has to suggest something and take the plunge

OP posts:
Dave35 · 15/12/2020 15:49

@Gloriainexcelcis keyboard warriors Grin

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/12/2020 15:50

You are being way OTT about your reaction—she hasn’t snubbed you.

Personally when it comes to replying—I always make plans with and time for close friends and family first. I like catching up with acquaintances too, but if I’m busy I will leave them on read until I have more time and am in a good place fir a light chat.

YABU to expect an acquaintance to treat you as anywhere near the same level of priority as a close friend. I would never leave a close friend on read for an extended periods, but if I have 10 message chats with acquaintances these are just not a priority. Nothing personal.

Crankley · 15/12/2020 15:50

I can understand how you thought she was interested in a friendship with you as she was so full on initially. Her subsequent behaviour has indicated the reverse so I wouldn't contact her again. You say she didn't 'like' some of your comments on facebook. I don't really know what this means as I don't use social media but I wouldn't worry about it.

Best idea is to carry on your friendship with your friend and if this other woman is at any of your meetings, just treat her politely as an acquaintance rather than a potential thread. If she suggests meeting, maybe explain it's a busy time of year and say no more.

Original poster
Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 15:50

Would love to know how people on here claim to make new friends, or does nobody do it at all past the age of 30? Does 'life' mean we can't /shouldn't make any new ones ?

OP posts:
Crankley · 15/12/2020 15:51

potential friend not thread - what happened to edit on here?

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/12/2020 15:51

Also nothing wrong with what you have done in messaging her and meeting up—I do this all the time. Just don’t take it personally that acquaintances get treated differently to close friends—you will not be a priority at this point. And that’s fine!

Original poster
Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 15:52

What level do I have to pass from being left on read for weeks to getting faster replies then ? I wouldn't leave anyone on read for weeks because they 'werent a priority'. They are still a human being.

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/12/2020 15:55

@Gloriainexcelcis

What level do I have to pass from being left on read for weeks to getting faster replies then ? I wouldn't leave anyone on read for weeks because they 'werent a priority'. They are still a human being.
Hey! I’m sorry I really don’t mean to upset you or come across as a cow!

Most people I know (including me!) do this all the time. People have busy lives, it’s not meant to be taken personally. She got back to take up your invite, there is no intention there to rebuff you. If she’s very sociable she may have multiple group chats messaging at that point, messages form people at work, messages from family, etc. It’s great that you’re super conscientious and get back to everyone ASAP, but most people aren’t.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/12/2020 15:56

Just trying to say she absolutely hasn’t snubbed you, but if she’s busy or not in a super sociable mood when she gets the message then it’s not weird for her to leave on read for a bit.

CorianderQueen · 15/12/2020 15:56

Leaving you on red for weeks I have to say means she doesn't want to talk to you. I've left people on read forever before because I can't be bothered to talk to them.

That doesn't mean she dislikes you, is jealous of you, is offended or anything else. She may just be happy with the friends she already has, sadly. And if she's scatty and late with them then it means she can barely handle having the pals she does.

If like you said she lives online then she probably liked all your stuff because she BT's to be liked and popular and have lots of friends on FB, but it doesn't mean she wants to converse to IRL.

CorianderQueen · 15/12/2020 15:57

Read*

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/12/2020 15:59

Personally I do this even with people I do want to see too though! It depends on what she’s like, honestly everyone has a different communication style. However if it’s something you absolute can’t stand, you are perfectly entitled to not want to pursue a friendship with her because of communication styles.

EileenGC · 15/12/2020 16:00

I will also say you're overthinking it.

However I do agree it's a bit rude to read someone's message and not reply for weeks. Although I've had friends text me several times on the same day, asking very similar questions and it was getting too much, so I had to ignore them for a few days. They eventually got the message. I'm also not someone who replies to stuff straight away. I can be very active on social media/WhatsApp one day, and then I'll read but not reply for 2-3 days, unless it's something urgent.

Why do you need to know if she can be trusted? It sounds like you don't really know each other yet, so I'd class her as a mere acquaintance and wouldn't think much more about it. If you're meant to become friends, it'll probably happen slowly and over a longer period of time. Accepting an invitation for coffee doesn't meant she's suddenly your friend. Nor does the fact that she ignored your messages for so long mean she's not to be trusted. I'm a very trustworthy person but I only reply straight away to my closest friends, when it's important I do so quickly.

Onelovelyone · 15/12/2020 16:03

Sounds like she isn’t interested in meeting up. Leave it and if she decides to initiate a meet up, then you can go (or not). Friendship has to be worked on and having to chase that friendship in the early stages does not sound like a promising start.

Donotlikemyname · 15/12/2020 16:04

I have a long time friend similar to this. She's very gregarious, chatty and finds it easy to make connections with people. I on the other hand don't, so tend to treat the connections I make more seriously.
Its a bit easy come easy go, whereas hard won you tend to value more.
Perhaps its something like that ?

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/12/2020 16:09

I sort of can understand why you are upset, but have to agree with others that you seem to be totally overthinking and over invested in this.

At this stage, if I was in your shoes I would think we are getting to know you stage. If she turs up brilliant if not who cares. If you ask her to meet up and she doesn't reply or cant make it, don't worry about it and get on with you day.

I don't understand why you consider her responses are like a slap in the face from a close friend. Its not and she is not (yet).
This all or nothing approach of yours is probably a worry for her

VettiyaIruken · 15/12/2020 16:10

She sounds like she blows hot and cold, try not to take it personally.
There are a few things you've mentioned that would make me wary of even becoming friends with her. Her whole life story in the first 5 minutes, bailing on people, not replying, getting in touch then vanishing again.

Adds up to Hard Work!

It's easier to not pursue a friendship than to get out of one!

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