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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure how to deal with this girl

216 replies

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 14:48

Maybe just ignore her ?
She's a friend of a friend. Seemed like a good friend to her and I was really looking forward to meeting her.
The first time I met her she was very open, telling me all about her life and suggesting stuff we should do together. Great, I thought.
Met her a couple more times and thought she was friendly.
Always looking for new friends so I thought I would ask her for a walk and a coffee one day (both in Tier 3) plus, she had added me on social media and had been the one making those suggestions to do things.

She snubbed my invite, read it and no reply, yet was planning to meet up with the mutual friend still.
So I assumed she wasn't interested in being my friend. Stung a little and found it confusing given how she had been in person, but what can you do really.
Told all this to my friend and she said to not take it personally, she could be very scattery and up and down.
Also it's silly to say but she used to 'like' everything or most things I put on social media and then suddenly stopped fully.

She got in contact after 2 weeks saying sorry she had not read the message and had been really busy and stressed with Covid. I replied saying it was ok and trying to make conversation, and once again no reply.
Very odd really. She also cancelled on my friend several times or is often really late, but my friend is very easy-going and says it's fine.
Not really sure how to deal with her. Don't really have to see her but she's really good friends with the mutual friend.
She may have some mental health issues, thivk it's best that I just not give her any further headspace

OP posts:

Gigheimer · 15/12/2020 17:02

She’s me!! And it’s irritating to people like you (organised sensible people).

I have a ridiculous schedule but really want more friends, I have unrealistic expectations of my own time and often reply to messages in my head I never actually reply to. I’m also very open and chatty.

She probably doesn’t mean to snub you and genuinely meant it at the time as the second
Message shows. You can’t overthink it but to be honest my actual real over the years friends are those that can deal with my life based irregularity, you don’t sound like that’s for you (quite within your rights!) so I wouldn’t be offended but wouldn’t pursue it.

Personally I know I’m hard to deal with on that basis and would drive organised or sensitive people mad, I am hoping when I have a less shit ex, kids are older and work is easier to be less crap and have more friends!

FancyAnOlive · 15/12/2020 17:11

I've been in this position and it does feel a bit hurtful, but honestly OP you do seem very easily offended, both by this woman and on here by posts you disagree with. If you post in AIBU you have to roll with it a bit, not get all touchy with anyone who disagrees with you.

Also, I am quite scatty and often don't reply to people - I'm just v busy with work and kids with SEND. Maybe she has a busy life, or something going on that you don't know about.

SarahAndQuack · 15/12/2020 17:11

She sounds perfectly normal to me - she's stressed and, in 2020, I think a lot of us are like this, struggling a bit with social interactions. It's a lot easier to socialise with an old friend than someone new. It's not as if she didn't explain it perfectly rationally once she was in a better place.

If it bothers you, just don't ask her to meet up again.

Original poster

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 17:16

You can call me whatever you like, i'm gonna start focusing on my 'own life' and doing the same to everyone else.

OP posts:

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 15/12/2020 17:21

@Gloriainexcelcis

You can call me whatever you like, i'm gonna start focusing on my 'own life' and doing the same to everyone else.

OP I’m sorry you’re upset by this, people are trying to be helpful by outlining that it is not personal, and this is just how a lot of people communicate especially when not talking to close friends.

Meeting new people is like dating new people—unless you meet someone very likeminded, you can rarely expect to be a priority in the early stages. She might just not be the right sort of friend for you.

Original poster

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 17:22

Nah, i'm also 'going through stuff' but i'll just start ignoring everybody and only replying after a month, and not expecting meetups more than once a year and expecting everybody to read my mind and know that I 'have a life'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 17:23

Been insulted enough on this site, it's not about 'being touchy', just all these self righteous keyboard warriors.

OP posts:

NuniaBeeswax · 15/12/2020 17:26

Is this a wind up?

nanbread · 15/12/2020 17:26

This sounds like a great idea tbh

CrazyToast · 15/12/2020 17:28

People on here are getting so rude. Snarking to someone online for no reason won't help your own misery.

OP it is a bit weird but maybe she is just like that. Maybe she has depression or anxiety and so is fine some days and not the other. I would just put it out of your mind and not bother.

NoProblem123 · 15/12/2020 17:30

I find lots of people like this.
Very gushing to begin with, then cold.
I’m sure they mean it when they say it but when it no longer suits their purpose they discard.
You might have swerved a narc.

FancyAnOlive · 15/12/2020 17:30

@Gloriainexcelcis

So if you'd already decided YANBU why post here?

Diva66 · 15/12/2020 17:34

To be honest I’d find you a bit ‘pushy’ OP. I’m quite reserved and prefer to get to know people at a more leisurely pace. I’m not meaning to insult you and I know other people have different opinions. The fact she’s meeting your mutual friend one to one just means she’s known her longer and feels more comfortable. If things were normal and you met in a group then you’d get to know each other gradually and a closer friendship might well develop. I think you should stay friendly but noncommittal on social media and let it run its course.

Brieminewine · 15/12/2020 17:35

@Gloriainexcelcis

Probably for the best rather than becoming so over invested in a woman, sorry girl, you’ve met once

Applesonthelawn · 15/12/2020 17:39

I think you'll find if you don't make much effort, that alone will weed out all the flakes. Be polite and friendly, try to be a good listener with people you don't know well but put a firm boundary well before anything that would look keen. It saves so much trouble.

Original poster

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 17:43

Haha did you actually read it, where does it say i've met her only once.

OP posts:

user686833 · 15/12/2020 17:45

I have ADHD OP, and everything you've said about her screams ADHD tbh. I would honestly try to cut her some slack and not assume she is snubbing you or doesn't care. She's probably embarrassed that she forgot to reply and follow up. I would give her another chance, and then if still no effort then leave it.

Original poster

Gloriainexcelcis · 15/12/2020 17:46

Possibly, I mean i've just again tried and once again been ignored, so that's twice now. She's starting to seem false really. Maybe it is something like ADHD yes.

OP posts:

user8888 · 15/12/2020 17:46

OP it sounds like you're having a tough time and really frustrated.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/12/2020 17:46

When I said you were intense, it wasn't meant as an insult, neither was the other person I called flaky an insult. It was just my honest opinion based on what you've described here. I don't know you at all so can only go on what you're saying, but you are coming across as quite intense and full on in regards to pursuing this friendship. I would back off from someone like that too.

cookiecuttercreamandbutter · 15/12/2020 17:47

I think she probably has social anxiety and this is not a good fit for you.

FancyAnOlive · 15/12/2020 17:48

@Gloriainexcelcis

You know, it's perfectly possible to disagree or say I am overthinking without insulting me ? 'you sound like a teenager' 'are you 16?' 'she's not a girl !!' And general aggressive comments (not all posters) I guess people get a little brave on here and wouldn't speak to people this way IRl.

You see, I don't read these as aggressive at all. I had also assumed from your first post that you were both very young - don't these comments give you pause for thought at all? You don't seem to have budged at all from your original position which makes me think you posted for sympathy rather than helpful advice.

user8888 · 15/12/2020 17:49

It could be anything. It could be anxiety, ADHD, flakiness (ie. doesn't care about others), whatever. It doesn't matter. You can analyze people until you're 95.

None of that helps you. See it as her loss. YOu gave her a chance and she flubbed it. Sucks to be her.

Eckhart · 15/12/2020 17:51

Possibly, I mean i've just again tried and once again been ignored, so that's twice now. She's starting to seem false really. Maybe it is something like ADHD yes

A medical diagnosis? Why aren't you jumping to more likely conclusions, like 'she doesn't like you that much' or 'she's a bit of a flakey one' or 'it's the run up to Christmas, she's probably busy with people she does know' or 'perhaps I'm not her priority right now'?

LisaLee333 · 15/12/2020 17:53

@Gloriainexcelcis

I can say 'girl' if I like.

@MaskingForIt

You can, but it is ageist and infantiling

Bob could call a black person a nr but it would be racist and prejudiced. People would think less of Bob if he did that.

😂😂😂

Just when I thought I'd seen everything on here.

Utterly batshit. Calling someone of 31 a 'girl,' is the same as calling a black person a n**r? Oh My Actual GOD! 🤣

For the record 'infantiling' is not a word!

Hope that helps.

@Gloriainexcelcis Please ignore the nasties on here. 'You sound really young' is one of the most patronising, condescending, smug fucking comments anyone can make on here. They are basically saying you are childish and immature and petty, and need to grow up.

Ignore them, and don't be put off posting here.

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