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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

181 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 14:04

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 15/12/2020 14:08

Is the problem blocked nose/ sinuses? If so, dh needs to get medical advice and deal with it. That would drive me mad.

SoddingWeddings · 15/12/2020 14:12

Have a look at misophonia. It's a real thing. I have it, and get very very frustrated by noisy eaters. I can't differentiate between poor manners and poor health. I can ignore people with extra needs where it's obvious but I'm sure I've missed cues on that one in the past.

I have coping strategies for being around noisy eaters but some people are just beyond disgusting and so I end up excusing myself from the area of the eater rather than distress myself or tell them what I think...

Christmasbeach · 15/12/2020 14:13

Are you sure there’s not more issues? Is he overly strict? Shouts often? Etc.

My dad had quite a few quirks and other kids would always take the piss. Apparently he had a bouncy walk and always looked lost/confused - didn’t help that instead of saying hello when joining a group of people he’d say ‘what’s going on here then’.

Fortunately I loved him to pieces and was quite good at not listening to the other kids. Could she be going through something similar?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2020 14:34

Yes, you are being unreasonable not knowing what to do.

Tell your OH to be the adult here. You describe it as "breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too". Either it's a habit, which he should get out of; or it's a medical issue, for which he should have sought help long since. Either way - his responsibility to deal with it.

You say it bugs the hell out of you, so try and understand that at 11, probably hitting puberty, hormones out of whack and reactions all overreactions - it bugs the hell out of her too. And at 11 she hasn't yet (thankfully) been socialised to "don't want him to think I'm nagging."

In fact, let's go back to the "don't want him to think I'm nagging." Maybe consider that asking someone AGAIN not to growl when they growl AGAIN might not be nagging? And maybe by you putting up and shutting up about his habit allowed him to continue sitting there growling and feeling entitled to do so, instead of sorting himself out?

Your OH's habit/untreated condition affects people around him. He needs to sort it, not punish the child who had the temerity to make it clear to him how badly it affected her (unlike you, who took the I-don-t-want-to-be considered-a-nag route).

Yes, she was rude. Yes she over-reacted. Yes she should apologise. No she should not be over-punished by not getting her Christmas presents.

The adults - you and OH - need to be adult here.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 14:35

No, he's not overly strict, but they've never been particularly 'close'. He's always interested in how her day has been etc and tells her he loves her when she goes to bed etc. He would like to spend more time with her, but he doesn't want to force it when she's so against it.

Yes, it probably is a medical issue. I find it hard to breathe through my nose too and I went to the GP and the procedure to correct it sounded v complicated so I didn't take it any further. I may suggest he goes to the GP too. She could have misophonia and I do agree it is an irritating noise, but not enough reason to say you hate someone!

OP posts:
Neron · 15/12/2020 14:39

Medical issue or habit aside, your 11 year old daughter shouldn't be speaking to an adult how she is, and telling her father to shut up. She really screamed at her Dad and told him she hated him, because he makes an annoying noise?

Ohwhatbliss · 15/12/2020 14:46

I agree with those mentioning Misophonia. It's hard to describe the feelings it can induce to someone who doesn't have it. My lovely Mum when adjusting to new teeth went through a stage of making a repetitive sucking noise and it was enough for me to genuinely feel like I wanted to kill her 😬 The feeling induced by these noises in people who do have misophonia is rage and for me it's almost a physical pain. I would definitely WANT to shout "I hate you" at someone making the noise you describe. It's making me feel ragey even thinking about it. Get him to sort it the fuck out

Eifhsg · 15/12/2020 14:50

He is the adult, he has a greater responsibility to behave decently to her than vice versa.

Withholding her presents would be a dick move.

haba · 15/12/2020 14:56

My DD had misophonia, and she says it's the worst feeling- feels so angry and hateful. She genuinely loves us, and can't control how this makes her feel.
We do our best no to slurp around her, which is her main trigger, but I know of children that have to eat separately from the family. We'd rather alter our behaviour than have her separate from us like that.

We do slurp our tea hugely in the evening after she's gone to bed Blush just for the hell of it.

FunTimes2020 · 15/12/2020 14:59

I feel sorry for your DH. Your DD waa extremely rude. Does your DH know/realise how loud he is? Would he agree to be recorded and follow up with a GP appointment?

Snackasaurus · 15/12/2020 15:01

Extremely rude of DD.

vanillandhoney · 15/12/2020 15:05

Why has your DH not been to the doctor?

WoolieLiberal · 15/12/2020 15:06

There’s 3 possibilities here:

  1. The beginnings of teenage tantrums (in which case it needs to be nipped in the bud)
  1. Irritation on DD’s part that she’s overreacting to (and therefore needs to know to be more tolerant of other people’s quirks, disabilities etc)

or (and I don’t want to panic you)

  1. There’s something she’s not telling you (either about DH or someone else) that is causing her to act out.

It might be a good idea to have a chat with her when DH isn’t around or see if she’s got a school counsellor she can be referred to.

It’s either bad behaviour which needs to be called out or a symptom of something deeper.

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 15/12/2020 15:07

As a parent, I wouldn't be inclined to behave decently towards a rude child. I think he would be well within his rights to punish her -- whatever form that normally takes (withholding Christmas presents is fine). It's just not acceptable behaviour on her part. She needs to apologise and mean it, and then you can decide what to do. He sounds like a nice dad, with a health issue. You wouldn't blame someone for a birth mark in an awkward place, would you? A lot of these things are difficult to control.

MaMaD1990 · 15/12/2020 15:07

Not on from your DD but it she is getting to the dreaded teenage years. I remember being a total brat around that age and found it hard to regulate my feelings and going from 0-100 in 1 second over the most ridiculous things. I would say she doesn't actually hate him, she's just going through a normal period of teenage-ism. Its still not acceptable obviously and you're right to bring her up on it and I would hope she apologised to your OH. Perhaps your OH could speak to her himself and get to the bottom of things. It could even bring them closer.

waydownwego · 15/12/2020 15:07

She's 11. Sometimes "I hate you" means "I hate you", but more often than not, it means "I'm really unhappy in this moment and I don't know how exactly to convey that."

Does your DD react in this way to any other noises, or just noises made by your OH?

Separately, it sounds like your OH has a medical problem he needs to address. I think you should push him again to see a doctor.

Barmyfarmy · 15/12/2020 15:08

I agree DD was out of line to shout at her Dad but if she does have misophonia it could be causing her a lot of distress and anger and that's bound to come out if her Dad is that irritating!

Your OH threatening to withold Christmas presents is vile. He's upset his child by being annoying and is punishing her by ruining her Christmas? Why is this such a trend for parents to use Christmas presents as a form of punishment? No wonder your DD doesn't like to spend time with him!

thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit · 15/12/2020 15:08

@Ohwhatbliss

I agree with those mentioning Misophonia. It's hard to describe the feelings it can induce to someone who doesn't have it. My lovely Mum when adjusting to new teeth went through a stage of making a repetitive sucking noise and it was enough for me to genuinely feel like I wanted to kill her 😬 The feeling induced by these noises in people who do have misophonia is rage and for me it's almost a physical pain. I would definitely WANT to shout "I hate you" at someone making the noise you describe. It's making me feel ragey even thinking about it. Get him to sort it the fuck out
God you’ve just reminded me that my FIL’s teeth click in and out of place when he chews. It’s horrible!
WoolieLiberal · 15/12/2020 15:23

Hmm... I thought withholding privileges was OK as a punishment? It’s what I do on the rare occasions it’s necessary with my DD’s.

What would you advocate instead? No consequences? Hitting? “Gentle parenting“ makes for total brat children. I’ve seen it in a friend’s attempts...

TheTeenageYears · 15/12/2020 15:34

Whilst her behaviour isn't acceptable nor is his. It's not socially acceptable to breath/growl while eating and even though you have built a tolerance to it, doesn't mean others should. Of course look to see if there's an issue on DD's part which makes the situation worse but that would be treating the symptom and not the cause. DH needs to deal with the cause.

Withholding gifts as punishment would be a great way to demonstrate buying love - I will tolerate you because you buy me stuff. If you want something more relevant to the situation it would be spending time together. DH needs to own his part in this though.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 15:40

barmy - he didn't say anything about the presents to DD, he just mentioned it to me. I'm not sure. I don't want to reward her bad behaviour but does that mean no presents or just withhold the ones from OH?

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 15/12/2020 15:40

As pp have said, your daughter might have misphonia. However, this doesn't excuse rude behaviour.

Throughout her life she will have to deal with noises that are uncomfortable to her. The alternative is what? Her shouting at people for breathing Hmm

Do her a favour and help her find some coping mechanisms before it becomes a bigger issue.

Disclaimer- I fully understand how hard it is to cope with painful noises. I have sensory issues myself. Pre planned excuses for taking a 5 minute break really help me, as do some breathing exercises. It might take time to find what works for her though.

Shetoshe · 15/12/2020 15:41

Yes I'm another one who instantly thought misophonia. I have this and the noises you're describing would be brutal to listen to.

I often have to walk away from my own children when they're eating as the thoughts I have in those moments are shameful! I literally want to punch them Blush they're only preschoolers but I truly can't help the rage I feel so have to distract myself/leave the room.

Witholding her christmas presents is a dick move. Talk to her. Get to the bottom of it and try and solve it. Coming down hard will lead to her actually hating her dad, which she most likely definitely doesn't. She's probably just having trouble controlling her emotions/conveying her frustrations and so over reacted. Sit down with her and figure it out. Encourage an apology to her dad for her hurtful words.

bumblingbovine49 · 15/12/2020 15:43

@WhereYouLeftIt

Yes, you are being unreasonable not knowing what to do.

Tell your OH to be the adult here. You describe it as "breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too". Either it's a habit, which he should get out of; or it's a medical issue, for which he should have sought help long since. Either way - his responsibility to deal with it.

You say it bugs the hell out of you, so try and understand that at 11, probably hitting puberty, hormones out of whack and reactions all overreactions - it bugs the hell out of her too. And at 11 she hasn't yet (thankfully) been socialised to "don't want him to think I'm nagging."

In fact, let's go back to the "don't want him to think I'm nagging." Maybe consider that asking someone AGAIN not to growl when they growl AGAIN might not be nagging? And maybe by you putting up and shutting up about his habit allowed him to continue sitting there growling and feeling entitled to do so, instead of sorting himself out?

Your OH's habit/untreated condition affects people around him. He needs to sort it, not punish the child who had the temerity to make it clear to him how badly it affected her (unlike you, who took the I-don-t-want-to-be considered-a-nag route).

Yes, she was rude. Yes she over-reacted. Yes she should apologise. No she should not be over-punished by not getting her Christmas presents.

The adults - you and OH - need to be adult here.

What a load of rubbish. Only on MN would a man be told he is an unreasonable bastatd for breathing too loudly!!!

Bloody hell

Svalberg · 15/12/2020 15:43

I had the same problem with my father & as a teenager secretly wore earplugs at mealtimes.