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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

181 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 14:04

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 15/12/2020 16:41

@liveitwell

I think she's being really rude. Shes of the age where she needs to learn that mum and dad are real people with real feelings and whilst you'll always love her, she needs to show respect in order to have a good relationship together.

I would encourage your partner to have a chat with her. Be open. He should tell her that she's hurting his feelings and while he'll do what he can to reduce the noise, she also needs to appreciate that it's his house and she needs to be more understanding. Telling someone you hate them, especially when they do so much for you, is really unkind.

It's HIS house, he's the big man, she should put up & shut up...

Fabulous things to teach a young girl

Jesus Christ.

tulippa · 15/12/2020 16:45

I hated my dad at that age too and for most of my teens. Whilst he didn't breathe that loudly, his snoring would make me fantasise about murdering him. It would make me SO angry and I'm not a particularly angry person.
I would never have dared shout about how much I hated him though - that would have been extremely rude. I would usually just leave the room. I don't think my way was any better though - nothing got resolved and the feelings of hate just petered out eventually.
All three of you need to have a calm discussion about expected behaviours and how to live with each other. Your DH needs to see a doctor and your DD needs to learn not to fly off the handle (not necessarily easy with all the hormones flying around).
This may be the start of a lot of challenging behaviour which, while not acceptable, should be managed and guided rather than 'punished'. Your DD is starting to learn how to be an adult. It's a long process and won't be easy for any of you.
Withholding privileges may be appropriate sometimes but this should be something like reduced screen times/confiscating mobile for a set time etc. Refusing Christmas presents is just cruel as is likely to be interpreted by DD as withholding love. It's quite a childish response and is matching her behaviour - don't do it.

Longdistance · 15/12/2020 16:47

It’s really irritating when people make noises when they eat. My cousin came to visit for a few weeks and I never noticed her grinding jaw when she ate 🤢 ffs! Even my db and my parents noticed and were, yuck!

Newgirls · 15/12/2020 16:47

Pls don’t withhold gifts from her - the fact that he has suggested that is disturbing to be honest.

He needs to get a gp appt and then tell her kindly he is looking into it as he doesn’t like it either. Surely he wants to improve their relationship not throw a grenade into it.

She’s prob exhausted from end of term too - 11 is hardly mature yet. Poor kid.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 15/12/2020 16:48

He may have tics. There is no cure for that.

ScrapThatThen · 15/12/2020 16:53

Female adolescents have to distance from their dad's and boys from their mums - that's why they find us so irritating, it's developmentally normal! Tell him to stay a constant in her life. Flex on family time, lay down the law about boundaries and rudeness, but ask her to suggest something they can do together.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 15/12/2020 16:59

Another one saying Misophonia here, it comes on during puberty and eating noises are a very common trigger

I have it mildly but dd is an extremely severe sufferer, it can destroy lives in severe cases

Please reassure your DH that if it is Misophonia sufferers react most to those they are actually closest too so it’s actually a reflection of how much she loves him sadly

Hopefully it’s just mild and she can learn to cope with it, if it becomes a major problem you will need medical input and noise cancelling headphones

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 15/12/2020 16:59

My dad did similar, his was a tic like PP said, no cure for that one really.

It used to annoy the life out of me but I just used to leave the room. Shouting at someone the way your DD is awful tbh and I would never condone that. He cant not give her her presents though so i would tell him to drop that one.

It's tough as a teen, maybe allow her to leave when he is annoying her (I dont know whether you do but some parents are strict with leaving the dinner table etc) I would just finish my dinner elsewhere, not ideal but better than screaming at someone or causing tension.

FangsForTheMemory · 15/12/2020 17:14

Withholding her presents is NOT going to improve matters, is it? I found my own father pretty gross, to the point where I didn't like being in the room with him. This noise he makes must be irritating other people too. First step is to get it fixed. Also have a chat with your DD about tolerance and being a grown up.

SnackSizeRaisin · 15/12/2020 17:42

She shouldn't shout I hate you. But on the other hand her feelings are genuine and she should be allowed to voice them to you and be listened to, understood and helped. You can't force her to like her dad. If you make her hide her feelings she will feel terrible and spend the next few years counting down the days until she can move out. Plus your own relationship with her will suffer. Plus, there is a chance that there is something else going on that you don't know about. Some subtle bullying or inappropriate behaviour that she feels she can't talk about so blames the bad table manners instead.
Can you talk to her in private, another time when she's calm, maybe in the car? Or maybe another family member could have a word. Ask her what she would like to happen to stop her feeling so angry. E.g. maybe she can eat in a separate room or at a different time, or not be left alone with him etc.
If she really dislikes him she won't want his presents anyway, although it would probably bring things to a head!

IMNOTSHOUTING · 15/12/2020 17:44

I also instantly though misophonia. I developed it around that age. It's absolutely enraging.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2020 17:45

Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

Please tell me that's not all you did??

What was her punishment for being rude and nasty to her dad?

MatildaTheCat · 15/12/2020 17:52

When I was around that age I found everything about my lovely Dad to be embarrassing and enraging. It’s hormones and I grew out of it fortunately. Your DD is probably the same.

Firm words about rudeness and tolerance and yes, your DH does need to be aware that he may need to try to sort this out; surely it’s been commented on over the years?

WoolieLiberal · 15/12/2020 17:55

Those who are having a go at Dad don’t seem to realise that what this teaches the daughter is that people who don’t look/act/dress exactly as she wants should do as she wants or expect to be shouted at.

That is encouraging her to grow up entitled.

I agree that Dad should get help (for his own sake if no-one else’s) but unless there’s something underlying, then Daughter needs to take responsibility for her own behaviour at this age.

Those who think that withholding privileges/gifts for bad behaviour is some sort of child cruelty need to get a sense of perspective.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 17:57

I don't know why sitting hee down for a that's not acceptable chat was a good response to her outrageous behaviour unless there's more of a back story to her behaviour?

katy1213 · 15/12/2020 18:06

That would drive me mad, too, and I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him. Doesn't it embarrass him socially or if he's eating at work?

stopgap · 15/12/2020 18:09

Tourette’s can manifest through tics and grunts. In fact, only a tiny percentage of people have the cursing outbursts.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/12/2020 18:24

Wow. I would not be letting my child speak to my husband like that. Harsh consequences would be on hand.

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 15/12/2020 18:25

@WoolieLiberal I totally agree with you. The alternative is a sure path to snowflakery. Unless there is an underlying issue with OP’s DD and her relationship with her Dad, she really needs to understand that such hysterical outbursts are not tolerated in the real world. Thankfully, she did this at home and can learn from it. Boundaries are just as important for teenagers as they are for toddlers.

QuestionableDanceMoves · 15/12/2020 18:26

Did you ask her why she reacted so angrily to a simple request to play a game? Or did you both just assume it’s because of the noisy breathing?
It’s not acceptable that she reacted the way she did but there must be a reason behind it and that needs addressing.
Christmas is 10 days away, don’t withhold her presents, tackle the issue now. A delayed punishment is never a good idea.

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2020 18:28

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Wow. I would not be letting my child speak to my husband like that. Harsh consequences would be on hand.
Yes, I wonder if she'd dare to scream at her teacher like that?
diddl · 15/12/2020 18:36

If she's constantly irritated by the noise he makes, which does sound awful, why didn't she just say so rather than screaming that he should go away & she hates him?

Seems an absolute overreaction.

I don't see why her meal times should be ruined by his growling (wtf?) though!

Carrotcakey · 15/12/2020 18:51

All these people telling him he needs to go to the doctors. I’d like to see them get nhs medical treatment for sinus issues.

My brother has serious sinus problems and a narrow bridge of his nose and it is comfortable to breathe through his mouth and while he can breathe through his nose it is not comfortable and requires concentration and effort at all times. He has been like it since being a child, he is not overweight, he’s actually very healthy.

He has been to the doctors hundreds of times, they do fuck all but do acknowledge that his sinuses are a mess. He’s even had a 10k medical procedure privately but that only worked short term. At the end of the day it’s his nasal anatomy!

While your husband can try to manage (& it sounds like he is trying) what essentially sounds like mouth breathing compromised by eating, it’s probably uncomfortable for him.

I remember ‘hating’ my lovely Dad when I was a teen but I would have never screamed at him like that. Regardless of her sensitivities she needs to learn some tolerance.

zzizz · 15/12/2020 18:52

Another misophonia sufferer here. Its literally uncontrollable. God I would love to find a cure. OP, is there any chance she's on the spectrum perhaps with an extra level of oversensitivity?

The withholding presents idea is ludicrous and will damage their relationship further.

Think of it another way - he's accidentally torturing her (without meaning to of course, I'm not suggesting abuse) and then punishing her for reacting to it. Idiotic.

Jenstar123 · 15/12/2020 19:05

Wow shocking behaviour from DD towards her Dad! He may have a medical issue that he should have looked into but your DD was totally out of line here. I think you should be concentrating on teaching her that you don’t shout at someone because they do something annoying or different - how would she be around people with disabilities etc, she needs to learn about tolerance of other human beings!

Feel sorry for your DH and whilst I don’t agree with withholding presents being the answer here I can understand why he has suggested it.