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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

181 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 14:04

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

OP posts:

rollonoctober · 16/12/2020 10:17

Does he do the growling/noisy eating when out with friends/with work/in any social context (so unintentional and not something he has control of) or does he save it for at home (so can control it if he chooses to)?

I think my reaction to DD would depend on the answer to that question, but overall, whilst she should apologise for shouting and being rude, I would cut her some slack. You acknowledge yourself that it's intensely annoying and she will be dealing with all the usual teenage hormones, it not an age known for well thought out considered responses! I definitely wouldn't be withholding Christmas presents.

Brefugee · 16/12/2020 10:30

interesting thread.

If we assume that DH isn't doing it on purpose, and we assume that DD has just simply had enough because of misphonia or whatever - how to handle it?

first thing: get DH to get his sinuses or whatever checked.
second thing: it is not acceptable to scream and shout at someone like that just because you haven't articulated your feelings before. DD needs to hear that. Talk talk talk - if something is bothering you, say it and don't let it build up like that
third thing: as i understand DH hasn't said anything to DD about presents only to the OP. Now is the time for OP to tell him that's mean. He bought them because he loves her and thinks she'll like them

Everyone needs to work on how they live together. It's not "telling a female to let the male do whatever he likes" it is working together to make life in a family unit pleasant. She's only 11 there could be years of this.

As DCs grow up it's always a good thing to revisit family dynamics, giving them more responsibility, more say in decisions etc etc.

(of course if DH is doing it just because and can control it - he should stop it)

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 16/12/2020 10:48

Definitely a strong possibility she has misphonia. A family member has it and she really struggled with certain noises. It became unbearable when her partner was slightly over weight and his breathing changed and he also began snoring. She had to use ear plugs and would get so angry and upset. It’s a real condition and not one to overlook. It really caused her distress. I think you should go easy on her as she really can not help it, it’s like torture to her just as certain sounds are for my autistic child. Your DP needs to see the GP also to get checked out.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 11:15

@whatsthpoint

How does one get diagnosed of having misophonia?

I'm not sure you can, which is probably why every other MNetter and their dog seems to suffer from it.

Meanwhile in RL, most people just find other's eating noises bloody annoying.

missyB1 · 16/12/2020 11:27

Oh well of course he’s being totally unreasonable daring to breathe in his own house! How very dare he?!

He doesn’t need to withhold presents, but you both do need to sit her down and talk very seriously about empathy, courtesy and respect. If she wants to be experience those qualities from you two then she needs to learn how to demonstrate them herself.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 16/12/2020 11:28

Glad you don't have it but I can guarantee it very much exists. It's usually part of noise sensitivity or low tolerance to sounds like an ocd type reaction.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 11:35

@HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear

Glad you don't have it but I can guarantee it very much exists. It's usually part of noise sensitivity or low tolerance to sounds like an ocd type reaction.

I know it exists, what I doubt is the huge majority here who claim to suffer from it, rather than just experiencing the normal feeling of annoyance at other people's eating noises.

It just seems to have become the MN buzzword, like 'suffering from anxiety' rather than feeling anxious about something.

AnxiousWeirdo · 16/12/2020 11:50

I've never heard of Misophonia before this thread. When people bite their nails or pick at them the sound makes me want to punch them in the head. I've even cried over the noise before! Sorry to derail the thread a little but thank you all for giving it a name 😁

IMNOTSHOUTING · 16/12/2020 15:35

I think giving it a name might help the DD. As will a discussion in which it's acknowledged that she can't help the extreme rage she feels when DH makes these noises. However she does have a responsibility to mitigate her response to the trigger sound. Likewise DH should do his part by taking reasonable steps to reduce the sound where possible while DD also accepts that DH isn't doing anything wrong and can't walk on egg shells in his own home.

zzizz · 16/12/2020 15:40

I get what you mean about buzzwords, but over time I've noticed quite a lot of posters like me who speak up about having autism when those threads pop up Worra. It makes sense to me that there are a lot of us neurodiverse users of this platform (easier than real life social contact!) who could easily have misophonia and therefore speak up on a thread like this out of pity.

TheOtherMaryBerry · 16/12/2020 15:50

He annoys her, lots of people will annoy her over the course of her lifetime. She needs to learn how to deal with it appropriately.

This absolutely. If it is misphonia then it must be very hard for her but she absolutely can't go screaming at everyone who makes the wrong noises around her, and there will be plenty.
I also agree that your DH should find out if it is something that can be sorted, not least because of the potential it could be related to a health issue. But my god I feel for him. When I'm particularly stressed I tic and make little grunting sounds. I bloody hate doing it but it's difficult to stop. It's not all the time, it comes and then goes again. Fortunately DH is very understanding (tbh he finds it quite amusing.) There are also times that I find DHs eating drives me mad but he can't help that, it's my problem, so I keep it to myself.

Your DH is BU to withhold presents but I can see why he's upset. If he is bothering your DD so much then she could surely have brought it up with you and asked you for advice, or mentioned it kindly. There may be an easy solution, sitting further away from him or music on as pp said. Instead she's been hurtful.

ivfbeenbusy · 16/12/2020 15:53

@poptartsarefood

The number of people excusing the daughters behaviour and acting like presents are a birth right is disturbing. He annoys her, lots of people will annoy her over the course of her lifetime. She needs to learn how to deal with it appropriately. I can see where the next generation of entitled little arseholes will come from. It's interesting no one has really thought about his feelings on this, but I doubt he's "liking" her very much either at the moment.

Agree totally with this

Why are people trying to diagnose her with a condition to excuse her behaviour when she is most likely behaving like a little 🐄

If this wasn't a man/father involved every post would be displaying sympathy for the mother

What if she comes across another pupil in school or adult in the workplace with a diagnosed condition (an audible tick or Tourette's for example) would it be ok for her to throw her toys out of the pram then?

Her behaviour is appalling requires some kind of punishment

DishingOutDone · 16/12/2020 16:11

Punishment is always a popular parenting tool on here I find. I think we've lost the OP anyway.

zzizz · 16/12/2020 16:54

ivfbeenbusy I can tell you what happens when you grow up with sensitivities like this and you're not just being an arsehole: you lose out on friendships, life and jobs. I agree its not clear whats going on with the OP's daughter but there's a big difference between bratty and having some kind of disability.

Enko · 16/12/2020 17:37

Excellent post @Brefugee

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 10:53

@ivfbeenbusy

Stupid post. If she has misphonia it's much more than him annoying her. He triggers a fight or flight response which she finds almost impossible to control. It's a sensory processing issue she needs help in managing. She could try ear plugs, background music, quickly removing herself from triggers for example. She will need help with this though. She can't ignore it because it's intoleratble. Simply not giving her Christmas presents is simply horrible and will alienate her without actually helping the situation.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 10:53

Basically it's what alot of people said about people with ADHD or autism in the past. They're simply badly behaved and they have to learn to suck it up and deal with it. OP ignore the ill informed and do some actual research.

MintyCedric · 17/12/2020 11:22

Another vote here for misophonia...I was about the same age as your daughter when it started and it was only when I discovered MN in my early 30s I realised what it was.

MitziK · 17/12/2020 11:35

I realised I needed to end a relationship on the basis of the noises he made when eating, breathing and feeling hard done by. I don't have misophonia to my knowledge, the noises the animals make when eating/slurping food onto the floor don't bother me at all, for example - but this man was a whole level worse. Because it was largely deliberate.

I second the ear filters for her.

rookgizzardpie · 17/12/2020 11:39

misophonia. It’s truly life ruining and if you don’t have it, you can’t even imagine the feelings it produces. it’s NOT her fault and I’m sad for her that she’s being blamed for something out of her control

rookgizzardpie · 17/12/2020 11:41

@TheOtherMaryBerry

He annoys her, lots of people will annoy her over the course of her lifetime. She needs to learn how to deal with it appropriately.

do you have misophonia? If not then you have no idea how uncontrollable the feelings of RAGE and disgust are when you’re triggered by a sound. And then comes the shame for having those feelings.

Branleuse · 17/12/2020 11:45

Can she wear ear defenders at the dinner table.
I would also struggle with someone who heavy breathed and growled while they ate. My ds1 is a noisy eater and I now have to put the telly/radio on if we eat in the same room as otherwise I end up shouting at him. Its horrible

Cheeserton · 17/12/2020 11:46

I'd spare a thought for the poor guy being picked on and shouted at for breathing and eating. Just stop and think about that for a second.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 11:49

@Cheeserton

I'd spare a thought for the poor guy being picked on and shouted at for breathing and eating. Just stop and think about that for a second.

What a pointless post. He is an adult and she's a child and quite possibly has no control over her reaction. He should be able to do some research on misohponia and realise it's not personal. She needs help managing this condition or it could completely ruin her life and possibility of future relationships.

Branleuse · 17/12/2020 11:55

Its possible to feel sorry for both the noisemaker and the misophonia sufferer.
Either way, this is not fair that OP has to referee it. The husband is an adult. He shpuld have more self awareness

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