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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

181 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 14:04

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

OP posts:
rookgizzardpie · 17/12/2020 12:20

@Cheeserton

I'd spare a thought for the poor guy being picked on and shouted at for breathing and eating. Just stop and think about that for a second.
you have no idea
TurquoiseDragon · 17/12/2020 12:21

@Cheeserton

I'd spare a thought for the poor guy being picked on and shouted at for breathing and eating. Just stop and think about that for a second.
There's breathing and eating, and there's breathing and eating in a loud and growly manner, which is disgusting and the OP's descriptions reminds me of my dad and his sleep apnoea.

I reckons there's several things that need sorting here.

OP's OH needs a medical check up. If there's nothing medical, then it's a habit he needs to get on top of.
OP's DD needs to apologise for her outburst.
OP's DD may have misophonia (my dd has this, it's linked to her anxiety, and we have the radio on at mealtimes to mask eating noises)
OP's OH would be a dick for witholding presents

Truthlikeness · 17/12/2020 12:40

Another vote for misophonia. I'm a calm, well-balanced adult woman but triggering sounds can make me want to hit the offender. I have to remove myself from the room or listen to music on earphones.

lifestooshort123 · 17/12/2020 12:46

She lost her temper. Get her to apologise sincerely and then give her a break! Please don't label her to excuse her behaviour or it could be seen as a get out of jail free card in the future.

MintyCedric · 17/12/2020 12:57

...just experiencing the normal feeling of annoyance at other people's eating noises...

There is a whole world of difference between irritation/annoyance and misophonia. It really does feel like you have to either lash out or run away.

That doesn't mean you can't control it to some extent and take mitigating measures but obviously that takes time. My closest family and friends know I have an issue with certain eating noises so if I need to put music on at mealtimes or move further away (or call my mum back if she calls me whilst she's chewing Hmm) they understand and don't take offence.

Tomnooktoldmeto · 17/12/2020 13:23

For those of you genuinely asking about Misophonia and also Misokinesia which is the movement version I can assure you they are indeed real conditions

DD was diagnosed by a paediatric audiologist at our local children’s hospital, I had realised what it is as I worked prior to illness within the ENT sphere

Sadly there is only 1 NHS specialist and they only see adults so 18+ , as the condition starts at puberty by the time sufferers can access this consultant their condition has become entrenched

Research indicates that roughly 2/3 rds of sufferers are on the autistic spectrum, the other 1/3 tend to have ear damage

Currently it’s not included in DSM5 so is recognised as a sensory processing disorder but this may change in future

In severe cases it really isn’t about telling the sufferer to pull themselves together or be polite, brain scans in research done in Newcastle highlighted the areas affected and found it stimulates the fight flight responses which sufferers have little control over

There is little treatment available, EMDR is showing some promise, Prozac can help take the edge off the anxiety response but the reality is that in severe cases people commit suicide

I’m a no nonsense type of parent but I would not wish this on anyone, it has destroyed my child’s life and stolen her future, the only thing I would say is that knowing it had a name helped my daughter know she wasn’t going mad but that is little comfort

Summerdayshaze · 17/12/2020 13:26

Is it only when eating that he growls? Growling is a menacing sound and it might be that she’s just had enough. To her it’s like growing up with a bear or lion in the house.

Can she wear ear defenders? Get her some for Christmas? Could he face a wall to eat? If he’s growling randomly at other times this could be terrifying. Does your other daughter mind?

Please don’t cancel her presents. It’s 2020. They’ve been through so much.

When I was in hospital years ago the woman opposite me one night started hunching around the bed and made noises that to this day send a chill through me. It was honestly like witnessing a werewolf appearing. But with deafening snorts and snuffles. I don’t know just very very sad for all of you.

Minesril · 17/12/2020 14:09

@Tomnooktoldmeto

For those of you genuinely asking about Misophonia and also Misokinesia which is the movement version I can assure you they are indeed real conditions

DD was diagnosed by a paediatric audiologist at our local children’s hospital, I had realised what it is as I worked prior to illness within the ENT sphere

Sadly there is only 1 NHS specialist and they only see adults so 18+ , as the condition starts at puberty by the time sufferers can access this consultant their condition has become entrenched

Research indicates that roughly 2/3 rds of sufferers are on the autistic spectrum, the other 1/3 tend to have ear damage

Currently it’s not included in DSM5 so is recognised as a sensory processing disorder but this may change in future

In severe cases it really isn’t about telling the sufferer to pull themselves together or be polite, brain scans in research done in Newcastle highlighted the areas affected and found it stimulates the fight flight responses which sufferers have little control over

There is little treatment available, EMDR is showing some promise, Prozac can help take the edge off the anxiety response but the reality is that in severe cases people commit suicide

I’m a no nonsense type of parent but I would not wish this on anyone, it has destroyed my child’s life and stolen her future, the only thing I would say is that knowing it had a name helped my daughter know she wasn’t going mad but that is little comfort

I realised I had this as an adult, I think I was late twenties. Such a relief to have a name for it! Like you said, relief that I'm not mad, that other people have it too.

I've never heard about it being linked to ear damage. Sorry to derail the thread, but could ear damage be from gromits as a child?

Tomnooktoldmeto · 17/12/2020 14:22

Minesril

The audiologist that I discussed this with and the research I read indicated that it was generally due to multiple severe infections and damage occurring to the inner ear

When I was working we used to install grommets for this regularly 20-30 times a week in paediatric theatre

I would imagine a small percentage had sufficient damage of the right type, especially those with cholesteotoma requiring mastoid surgery could fit the demographics

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/12/2020 15:10

There’s no excuse what so ever for that kind of attitude and rudeness to her father.
I’m with him he should withhold her presents until she learns speak to him properly. I can’t believe the amount of people on here who seem to think screaming at a parent saying I hate is not only fine and dandy but seemingly is his fault. It’s small wonder the world is in the state it’s in.
If this were a thread about a man shouting at a women he’d be hauled over the hot coals.

rookgizzardpie · 17/12/2020 15:12

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

There’s no excuse what so ever for that kind of attitude and rudeness to her father. I’m with him he should withhold her presents until she learns speak to him properly. I can’t believe the amount of people on here who seem to think screaming at a parent saying I hate is not only fine and dandy but seemingly is his fault. It’s small wonder the world is in the state it’s in. If this were a thread about a man shouting at a women he’d be hauled over the hot coals.
IT’S A MEDICAL CONDITION FFS
Carrotcakey · 17/12/2020 15:23

I’m honestly shocked by this thread. I used to work with people with learning disabilities in the community and there was a lot of noisy eating, ticks, stimming etc... and I admit I found a lot of it irritating and I often had to move myself away from it but I understood that compassion and tolerance are needed.

I can’t believe how many people are saying it’s ok to scream at someone because you don’t like the sound of them eating/breathing. You learn to manage your problem (ear plugs, removing yourself from the situation etc...) because you cannot manage other people.

She will come across far worse than her father eating noisily in her life. If she screams and calls them all twats as well she’s not going to be very popular.

rookgizzardpie · 17/12/2020 15:35

@Carrotcakey

I’m honestly shocked by this thread. I used to work with people with learning disabilities in the community and there was a lot of noisy eating, ticks, stimming etc... and I admit I found a lot of it irritating and I often had to move myself away from it but I understood that compassion and tolerance are needed.

I can’t believe how many people are saying it’s ok to scream at someone because you don’t like the sound of them eating/breathing. You learn to manage your problem (ear plugs, removing yourself from the situation etc...) because you cannot manage other people.

She will come across far worse than her father eating noisily in her life. If she screams and calls them all twats as well she’s not going to be very popular.

again, it’s a medical condition that sufferers have NO control over. In the same way some people have no control over tics/ stimming. You have tolerance for those things but not for misophonia? why is that?
Carrotcakey · 17/12/2020 15:41

I have sympathy for her but she needs to learn that you cannot control other people so it is down to her to find a way of managing it. This poor man was eating in his own house.

Screaming abuse at people is not ever going to be the answer.

timeforanewstart · 17/12/2020 15:51

Can't believe people are excusing a 11 year old for being rude as she doesn't like sound someone makes
If your dh has always made this sound why is it suddenly bothering her now , and have you told him what os bothering her
What if its something that can't get sorted and he can't help it ?

THisbackwithavengeance · 17/12/2020 15:52

I can't believe posters are excusing a rude madam and saying it's her dad's fault for having a medical condition. Is she going to shout at disabled people in the street or yell in the face of an elderly grandparent who is making an "unacceptable" noise?

I wouldn't withhold Christmas presents but she needs a united front from you both and a telling off.

timeforanewstart · 17/12/2020 15:57

@rookgizzardpie because op hasn't said daughter has been diagnosed with that and what if the dad gets diagnosed with something that means he can't help the noises

timeforanewstart · 17/12/2020 16:01

I don't think withholding presents is the answer though
Sitting down and talking is , if as people say misphonia ?? Is a possibility then you need to find out , if its just she finds him irritating then this can be worked on

TheOtherMaryBerry · 17/12/2020 16:13

again, it’s a medical condition that sufferers have NO control over. In the same way some people have no control over tics/ stimming. You have tolerance for those things but not for misophonia? why is that?

Because it's two different issues, seriously, apply some logical thinking. If she has misphonia then that is a medical issue. That requires tolerance and stuff can be done to manage that. Screaming 'I hate you' at someone is not a medical issue, as evidenced by the many people here who have managed not to scream at people who annoy them. The tics are a medical issue that can't be helped so need tolerance. It may be that the OPs DH can't help the noises he makes, it seems the OPs DD can't help how angry it makes her. What can be controlled is how she reacts to that. I do actually have some sympathy with her but she will need to learn to live with other people, unless you're saying that all noisy eaters should be got rid of somehow!

haba · 17/12/2020 17:43

@TheOtherMaryBerry you're still not really understanding how misophonia manifests. A person with tourettes who screams out "you fucking cunt" all the time is an equivalence to someone with misophonia screaming like this. The DD is seemingly only just beginning with misophonia; it has taken my DD (14yo) about two years to be able to manage her condition, and behaviour when it's triggered- and she is genuinely a lovely, non-sweary, non-aggressive child. But some noises just make her absolutely enraged. That is out of her control, and she has worked very hard on how the reaction manifests itself, but it isn't something a child can do overnight.

But, yes, noisy eaters should be got rid of somehow! Wink

zzizz · 17/12/2020 17:57

"I understand misophonia but someone should be able to control it" is one of the more ironic things you could possibly say really.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 17/12/2020 18:02

@Tomnooktoldmeto

Minesril

The audiologist that I discussed this with and the research I read indicated that it was generally due to multiple severe infections and damage occurring to the inner ear

When I was working we used to install grommets for this regularly 20-30 times a week in paediatric theatre

I would imagine a small percentage had sufficient damage of the right type, especially those with cholesteotoma requiring mastoid surgery could fit the demographics

That’s interesting as I believe I have this and also had to have grommets as a child due to regular ear issues. Sometimes after flights I’ve been known to actually lose all hearing for upto an hour as well. Not even muffled just nothing at all.
haba · 17/12/2020 18:12

Ah, DD also had grommets as a small child, as a result of many, many nasty ear infections.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 17/12/2020 18:26

OP, your DH sounds absolutely horrific. He may be the loveliest man in the world but if he was making that noise all of the time I would want to seriously injure him! I don’t understand why people keep labelling your daughter either. She doesn’t sound like the one with a ‘condition,’ she just sounds like someone who is irritate beyond belief by her father’s appalling noises.

She was rude and she should not be saying ‘I hate you” but, to be honest, I understand her frustration.

DH needs to get to the bottom of this issue he has and you need to speak to DD about explaining herself in more polite tones. If she can’t bear to be near her father when eating then she needs to eat in a different room or at a different time until this is sorted out.

isadoradancing123 · 17/12/2020 19:21

Is she going to scream at other people in restaurants who are eating in a manner she dislikes, what if she meets someone with tourettes