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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

181 replies

Funkyslippers · 15/12/2020 14:04

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 19:09

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants yes far better to teach her she can ride rough shod over everyone and scream I hate you because he breathes too loudly. Much better.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/12/2020 19:13

There is absoloutley a middle ground to be found here. She should absoloutley not be speaking to anyone like she has. That needs a discussion and she must watch how she talks to people moving forwards.

DH needs to do some research and find out what he can do to alleviate this heavy growling. He has to try and improve the situation.

Sh05 · 15/12/2020 19:16

What I don't understand is why you are talking about withholding her presents when you feel she's misbehaving now. Christmas is still 10 days away, she won't understand why you didn't deal with her misbehaviour straight away and thought it ok to delay the punishment until Christmas day.
Her manner of speaking to her dad needs to be corrected but your DH also needs to take some responsibility for his growling.
Maybe sit her down together and apologise to each other, explain to her that dad is going to seek medical help and help her understand why her language is unacceptable.

Namenic · 15/12/2020 19:59

I think in life it would be helpful if kids develop a tolerance to many things as it makes things easier going through life. At uni I had irritating sounds in exam halls, my bedroom. At various points I’ve had to share rooms with several people - snoring etc; plus working in huge open plan office.

Developing strategies to cope with these things is helpful. At the same time if possible DH should make an effort to be quieter too. DD should not be rude, but DH shouldn’t be offended either.

ChocolateCherrybomb · 15/12/2020 20:00

Yes, you must punish her for having feelings she is struggling to express before they overwhelm her which result in her blowing up. After all she is female and we all know women's MUST learn to put up with all sorts and just keep their pretty little mouth shut, especially where penis owners are involved. Being 11 is no excuse, women must know their place from the minute they become self aware. Otherwise, no Christmas presents.

So again, yes, punish her instead of teaching her how to express herself a more considered manner.

Support his childish desire to withhold her presents because she hurt his feelings. Your support of him doing so to the point where you are saying you think maybe you should withhold ALL of her presents will make her hate you too and I would not blame her.

Namenic · 15/12/2020 20:01

I agree with him being checked out by gp for any medical issue too

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 21:08

@ChocolateCherrybomb

Yes, you must punish her for having feelings she is struggling to express before they overwhelm her which result in her blowing up. After all she is female and we all know women's MUST learn to put up with all sorts and just keep their pretty little mouth shut, especially where penis owners are involved. Being 11 is no excuse, women must know their place from the minute they become self aware. Otherwise, no Christmas presents.

So again, yes, punish her instead of teaching her how to express herself a more considered manner.

Support his childish desire to withhold her presents because she hurt his feelings. Your support of him doing so to the point where you are saying you think maybe you should withhold ALL of her presents will make her hate you too and I would not blame her.

What an absolutely ridiculous post. Would you write the same if the child was a male or would you be lamenting male violence?

The embedded sexism and anti male theme on MN is getting ridiculous.

Would it be OK if DH built things up and shouted at OP as well then?

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2020 21:30

So again, yes, punish her instead of teaching her how to express herself a more considered manner.

Oh you know like....do both before you have a disrespectful out of control teenager on your hands, who thinks it's perfectly fine to treat her parents like shit Hmm

lifestooshort123 · 15/12/2020 21:32

Your daughter lost her temper and shouted at her dad. Yes, she shouldn't have done it but when the red mist descends most would behave irrationally. I'd want to find out why she's so angry before deciding what sanctions to impose. Give the girl a chance to open up about what's going on in her head at the moment. Oh, and if he was my OH, I'd have given him an ultimatum by now - record his animal grunting and play it back to him, he has to deal with it.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 15/12/2020 21:54

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants yes far better to teach her she can ride rough shod over everyone and scream I hate you because he breathes too loudly. Much better.[/quote]
Oh jog on.

There are plenty of other options

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:11

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants but you didn't suggest those.

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 15/12/2020 22:31

@SoddingWeddings

Have a look at misophonia. It's a real thing. I have it, and get very very frustrated by noisy eaters. I can't differentiate between poor manners and poor health. I can ignore people with extra needs where it's obvious but I'm sure I've missed cues on that one in the past.

I have coping strategies for being around noisy eaters but some people are just beyond disgusting and so I end up excusing myself from the area of the eater rather than distress myself or tell them what I think...

Yeah I'm the same. Its uncontrollable at times how angry you can feel listening to someone chomping or in this case growling. He shouldn't be threatening to take away her Xmas presents, if he's making odd noises and growling it might be driving her absolutely crazy. This age is about the time misophonia rears it's head in people. I feel sorry for her. It's very misunderstood and if that's what it is she'll be driven mad.
Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:37

I get the misopnonia thing , but she really shouldn't be encouraged in screaming I hate you.

Given that OPs only response to this situation was to feebly say it's a shame as I had such a good relationship with my dad , I'm guessing this is not a one off.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 15/12/2020 23:05

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants but you didn't suggest those.[/quote]
And...?

Wheresmykimchi · 16/12/2020 00:12

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants so you can't then be outraged when my understanding is that you think she should be able to behave however she likes?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 16/12/2020 00:32

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants so you can't then be outraged when my understanding is that you think she should be able to behave however she likes?[/quote]
Honestly, what is your problem?

I strongly disagree with telling young girls they need to put up & shut up with a mans poor behaviour because he's the big man & she needs to ignore her feelings, so he (the Male adult) doesn't have hurt feelings, no matter how unacceptable his behaviour is.

I don't actually care if you agree with me or not, and not that its anything to do with you, but I had already replied to the OP.

Lizzie523 · 16/12/2020 01:39

My gran used to growl, often at mealtimes. It disappeared completely when she for dementia, which made me think it was always a mannerism rather than a physical issue. I don't think your DD just needs to put up with it, I think your DH should seem help.

I also have misphonia and the way my dad eats and other mannerism drives me wild. As a result I can't spend very long periods in his company. He has been told a million times how much the eating habit bothers others but he has never changed it despite being nearly 60 now. It is especially embarrassing if at a restaurant

Like PPs said, kids say I hate you. If this becomes a pattern of behaviour then yes, it deserves to be taken more seriously but withholding gifts would be ludicrous.

Covid and the change to the school environment etc has caused low moods in a lot of kids. Worth bearing in mind and I hardly think this year of all the years is a time to withhold present. Totally inappropriate way to handle it imo

whatsthpoint · 16/12/2020 01:50

How does one get diagnosed of having misophonia?

DaisyDreaming · 16/12/2020 05:04

Do you eat in silence? Music or tv on can help sometimes with misophonia

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 16/12/2020 05:13

@whatsthpoint

How does one get diagnosed of having misophonia?
It comes under OCD and related issues as it's not widely recognised as an illness in itself, more like low tolerance to noise etc. There are work arounds and some suggest therapy but I couldn't imagine anything worse than an exposer therapy or the like to cure it. Arghhh
HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 16/12/2020 05:13

Exposure lol not exposer

poptartsarefood · 16/12/2020 05:47

The number of people excusing the daughters behaviour and acting like presents are a birth right is disturbing. He annoys her, lots of people will annoy her over the course of her lifetime. She needs to learn how to deal with it appropriately. I can see where the next generation of entitled little arseholes will come from.
It's interesting no one has really thought about his feelings on this, but I doubt he's "liking" her very much either at the moment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/12/2020 05:48

@ChocolateCherrybomb

Yes, you must punish her for having feelings she is struggling to express before they overwhelm her which result in her blowing up. After all she is female and we all know women's MUST learn to put up with all sorts and just keep their pretty little mouth shut, especially where penis owners are involved. Being 11 is no excuse, women must know their place from the minute they become self aware. Otherwise, no Christmas presents.

So again, yes, punish her instead of teaching her how to express herself a more considered manner.

Support his childish desire to withhold her presents because she hurt his feelings. Your support of him doing so to the point where you are saying you think maybe you should withhold ALL of her presents will make her hate you too and I would not blame her.

This is a really interesting post. I wouldn’t have phrased it like this myself. But maybe the sarcasm would get the point across to him. I have misphonia and my dh loves football and rugby. It’s awful. The whistle.
NellyDElephant · 16/12/2020 06:11

I’ve got a 12 yr old DD and an 11 yr old DSD who both live mostly with me and DP ( plus my DD 9, DS 6 and DSD also 6) and if one or the other haven’t had an outburst and shouted rudely at somebody in the house, it’s a very rare occurrence! They are hormonal, tired, stroppy, stressed and easily prone to snapping/shouting. However, this is usually over quickly, they are always asked to reflect on what they have said, apologise to the offended party and we move on.
It works for us anyway - I try not to take anything they say, in the heat of the moment, to heart and allow them some leeway. It’s important to teach them to communicate effectively, politely and not offend people unnecessarily, but also I feel home has got to be a safe space to vent sometimes too, that goes for all of us, particularly at the moment.

MerchantOfVenom · 16/12/2020 07:45

Her reaction was completely over the top, but God he sounds annoying.

I’d be mortified if that were my DH.