DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

[Funkyslippers]

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

@Tomnooktoldmeto

Minesril

The audiologist that I discussed this with and the research I read indicated that it was generally due to multiple severe infections and damage occurring to the inner ear

When I was working we used to install grommets for this regularly 20-30 times a week in paediatric theatre

I would imagine a small percentage had sufficient damage of the right type, especially those with cholesteotoma requiring mastoid surgery could fit the demographics

That's really interesting, thank you. I had grommits as a child, a few years ago I saw a dr as I was having some dizziness and he looked at my ears and I think he said there was a hole in my eardrum which could be a result of grommits. Off to do some googling on the misaphonia link!

Hang on...

DH deserves the shouting and must run and get his breathing sorted out right this second but DD can do as she likes , because , misophonia?

Really?

Isadora

Funnily enough my dd’s best friend has severe Tourette’s the compassion they show each other is truly humbling

They have been together through online school for nearly 6 years as neither is capable of attending a standard school due to the severity of their condition

There seems to be an awful lot of disabalist hate on this thread directed towards a young girl who really needs support

All of the people on this thread having experience of this god awful condition have tried to explain how visceral the reaction is for a sufferer

And the poster who asked how they’d react in a restaurant really needs to give their head a wobble! I’m lucky if dd and ds eat at home with us one in a blue moon, reacting to someone in a restaurant is literally a fantasy as dd would rather starve than eat out

When I was in my teens, I could barely get through a meal without screaming, because of the noises my mother made, eating. I'd make excuses to leave the table early, or for a minute in the middle of the meal, just to try to keep myself together.

Your daughter was rude, yes, but I absolutely understand what she's going through. It's almost impossible to explain to someone who deosn't experience it.

It was definitely at its worst when I was in my teens. I still have it to a degree, and would occasionally have to leave the staffroom when one of my colleagues was eating because of the noises she made. But in the family it's inescapable and that adds to the tension and anxiety.

He really needs to go to the doctors about this. He has a problem that needs sorting, and your daughter won't be the only one driven mad by it. I imagine his colleagues must find it painful to be around him too.

As he had his adenoids checked ?

My nephew used to do this......he needed to have a small op but it cleared the issue up pretty much overnight.

...and for those saying she should be able to control misophonia, it's a lifelong condition that has no cure.

Her dad on the other hand, probably needs a simple nasal operation which will improve both his physical health and his relationships with others.

Gosh the hospitals must be absolutely empty with all the esteemed doctors able to be on here definitively diagnosing OP's daughter through their phone screens with misophonia! Hysterical! Mumsnet really is its own world apart isn't it!

@WhereYouLeftIt

Yes, you are being unreasonable not knowing what to do.

Tell your OH to be the adult here. You describe it as "breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too". Either it's a habit, which he should get out of; or it's a medical issue, for which he should have sought help long since. Either way - his responsibility to deal with it.

You say it bugs the hell out of you, so try and understand that at 11, probably hitting puberty, hormones out of whack and reactions all overreactions - it bugs the hell out of her too. And at 11 she hasn't yet (thankfully) been socialised to "don't want him to think I'm nagging."

In fact, let's go back to the "don't want him to think I'm nagging." Maybe consider that asking someone AGAIN not to growl when they growl AGAIN might not be nagging? And maybe by you putting up and shutting up about his habit allowed him to continue sitting there growling and feeling entitled to do so, instead of sorting himself out?

Your OH's habit/untreated condition affects people around him. He needs to sort it, not punish the child who had the temerity to make it clear to him how badly it affected her (unlike you, who took the I-don-t-want-to-be considered-a-nag route).

Yes, she was rude. Yes she over-reacted. Yes she should apologise. No she should not be over-punished by not getting her Christmas presents.

The adults - you and OH - need to be adult here.

I agree, like youi too like to blame people with physical issues for thier effect on those around them

May I recommend telling disabled veterans off for not standing for the 1 minute silence, absolutely wonderful

She's going to have a rude awakening in life and no friends with her attitude even if she doesn't have misophonia. You wouldn't expect someone to be shouted out for a tick, or a chronic pain condition that makes life difficult for the family, let alone stand for this from your child.

How horrible to criticise someone for something they have had since knowing them. She needs to be taught compassion, tolerance and how to handle frustration.

If he can't help it your OH has done well to be able to live his life and not let it drag his self esteem down as some vocalisations or tics can do.

Can't believe how many people are justifying her behaviour. She sounds awful and doesn't deserve presents from someone she "hates"

There seems to be an awful lot of disabalist hate on this thread directed towards a young girl who really needs support

I don't think there's been much hate. Rather people have offered solutions (yes, we understand the misphonia may not be solvable but she could eat somewhere else, put music on, have earplugs even as pp have suggested) because what isn't acceptable is for her poor DF, who also may have a condition (may be simple to solve, may not) to have hate screamed at him for something he doesn't mean to do! I do have sympathy for her, absolutely, but I also have sympathy for someone who makes noises because that's something I do too, as hard as I try to eliminate it completely, it does happen sometimes. I remember being bullied for having tics and that also isn't nice.

@namechangefail2020

Can't believe how many people are justifying her behaviour. She sounds awful and doesn't deserve presents from someone she "hates"

You sound like a truely awful awful person. Would you say the same to someone with austism having a meltdown. 'They won't have any friends because of their sensory overload and lack of social skills'. Or would you actually act like a decent human being and help them manage their condition?

If some of the people on this thread had a child with misophonia that child would need to be taken into care because you'd be bloody terrible parents.

Just a side note as the ignorance on this thread is staggering. You don't give presents to reward behaviour. It's not a Christmas bonus like you give an employee. Presents are meant to be an expression of love not an attempt to manipulate their behaviour. Remoiving affection and love is never ever going to improve your situation with your child.

@IMNOTSHOUTING How do you know she's got misophonia? Are you her doctor? How do you know she's not just being a brat? Are you aware it's possible for children to behave poorly without it being the result of a diagnosable condition?! This thread is ridiculous! Besides, whatever the cause of her outburst it was unacceptable and it won't be acceptable in the future if she shouts at other people either so of course she should apologise sincerely and then the family should communicate amongst themselves about what's going on and how to move forward with her behaviour and any conditions she and the father may or may not have!

Why assume brat though? Why is that your default?

I have had misophonia in pregnancy only. It’s horrific. Peoples noises used to physically hurt.. like setting off intense migraine-like sensations. It’s simply unbearable. So perhaps it’s hormone related misophonia ?
In which case she has my sympathy.
I’d hate him too , poor guy.

So her dad jumps through hoops to sort out his breathing, then ends up getting screamed at because she can still hear him chew. What then?

She will need to learn to manage her response, which may include eating alone.

Are we saying that dd may have a medical condition that makes her unable to tolerate certain sounds and that therefore everyone needs to cut the mardy little cow some slack? I see. But it looks like dh also has a medical condition which makes his breathing noisy. Hers doesn't trump his. Lot's of medical conditions can't be fixed. Would we allow our dds to rage at other disabilities?

@Buzzthedragon You'd HATE your Dad because of a new medical condition you'd developed? Why wouldn't you hate your condition and.lwork on managing it, not hate your presumably otherwise loving Dad who you used to love and tolerate quite well? Would you shout at him and expect him to put up and shut up too? How some mumsnetters maintain relationships is a mystery to me or perhaps this explains all the "OH wants a divorce out of the blue" posts that are always made here.

@janetmendoza I think many on here are of the opinion that any condition their little darling may have obviously trumps any condition anyone else may have, even said little darling's own father! Woe betide anyone who chastises them for a horrible, hateful ourburst, whomever it's directed at. Even if no diagnosis has been made there simply must be something medical to explain it, they are usually always always perfect in Mummy's eyes!

@zzizz Because the vast majority of children don't have misophonia but the vast majority of children will say unacceptable, hateful things for which they should be corrected and apologise sincerely. Regardless, even if she does have this condition, she will need to learn to manage it (with help from her parents of course) without shouting at people who upset, when better to start than now? Anything else would be doing her a disservice and be likely to affect her negatively more than anyone.

I must be missing something here.

°Has she been diagnosed with misophonia? No, I thought not.

°Has DH only just started making animal noises when he eats? No, I thought not.

°She lost her temper and saw red and said some really nasty things (as you do when you see red).

°Tell her off and then address the anger.

°Tell him he's going to seek help for his animal noises.

@ hamsterchump well probably I wouldn’t hate him forever! In the moment, it’d be possible. But there is a difference between finding someone very irritating (controllable, you can work on your response) and having misophonia (which makes you feel irrationally murderous).
So perhaps if the 11 year old is just being intolerant and rude (which let’s face it, 11 year old so often are) she should work on her attitude.
But if she does indeed have misophonia, then he should try and eat in another room.
Still it’s not nice to shout at people and she should apologise in any case.

This thread is innnnnsane.

Shouting at people and going "I hate you" is not acceptable.

In our society making noises while eating and growling through the day is considered bad manners. It sounds as if your DH can stop himself from doing it because you say that sometimes he "forgets". So he is being rude several times a day. If your DH doesn't want to correct his manners he is going to have to learn to cope with people's reasonable reactions to his behaviour - irritation, disgust, impatience etc.

Assuming they both have medical conditions, which mean their relationship is fractured, she is still the child and therefore cannot be expected to manage the consequences equally as well.

Assuming neither of them have medical conditions and he just eats like an animal and she is a hormonal melting pot, the same applies.

She’s just a little girl. It’s yours and your husband’s job to help her. Not the other way round. Even if that means he has his tea when she’s gone to bed.