DD (11) hates her dad - AIBU to not know what to do?

[Funkyslippers]

OH has this rather irritating habit of breathing/growling quite loudly while eating, and at other times of the day too. He's done it ever since I've known him and it bugs the hell out of me but I've learned to switch off, despite telling him about it countless times. I just try to let it go as he can't seem to help it and I don't want him to think I'm nagging.

However DD has recently noticed it and she is constantly irritated by it. She's always telling him to be quiet. As a result, she finds it hard to be in the same room as him and therefore they rarely spend any time together. Last night he asked her to play cards with him and she screamed at him to go away and said I hate you! I sat her down and said that sort of talk is unacceptable and she is going to have to try and let it go as her attitude is upsetting me and her sister as well.

OH said to me last night if she is behaving like that towards him, he feels like withholding her Christmas presents from him (an Echo Dot and couple of other little bits).

The whole atmosphere is upsetting as I had a lovely relationship with my dad (although he did irritate me a bit when I was a teen!).

I know OH is making an effort with his breathing but there are naturally some times when he forgets. Any ideas on how to resolve this conflict? What could the consequences be to her attitude?

Teaching her that her feelings trump everyone else's is a lie and won't do her any favours. You are in the position to teach her this lesson in the kindest way possible and know that if you don't the world will very soon.

Just to add, your duty as a parent is to prepare your child to live as successfully as possible in the world, not be their bestest ever (and only judging by some of these shenanigans) friend who gives the best ever presents and is the only one that understands them. That's you using them as a crutch and preparing them to be ostracised by everyone else but you and not understanding why. Well done >

@poptartsarefood Very well said, some poster where seem to be afraid of their children or at least in awe of them, neither of which is desirable, least of all for the children concerned.

@Summerdayshaze would you really tell your partner that he could no longer eat within earshot of his daughter? How would that even work? What about weekends and holidays etc? Would you accept your partner telling you this? I'm pretty sure most people would characterise it as abusive. How will her avoiding any noise that upsets her help her in the real world? She needs help to learn coping mechanisms not to be raised with the expectation that the entire world will bend to her will however unreasonable, because they won't I'm afraid.

i think, although i dont know if theres any evidence, that misphonia is really common in neurodiverse people, and I think it might be an auditory processing thing. Maybe a knd of synaesthesia where senses and feelings get muddled up.
Obviously its nice when certain music or views move you to tears in a pleasant way, but horrible when other sounds enrage you.

In my experience, the only thing that helps is really being self aware and mature enough to know when its your problem and when it isnt. Adjusting your own life. Dont eat round the dinner table if you can help it. Other sounds such as music on at eating times. If its a busy table with lots of talking it isnt as bad.
Im really struggling with it lately myself. My whole family is autistic. 2 of my family members are either very noisy eaters and drinkers and cant help it, or make other surprise noises. its VERY difficult to cope with at times. I cannot explode in rage at my own child for eating and drinkign noises. I have realised I cant constantly tell him off for it, but it makes me feel really panicky and upset. Im an adult and have responsibility so its up to me to find strategies that mean I dont get upset at him every day for something he really cant help.
I wouldnt expect that level of maturity from an 11 year old. I know though that if that was my dad, I would feel trapped and awful that I was expected to eat in the same room as him all the time without complaint. Id probably hate him for it

@Summerdayshaze

Assuming they both have medical conditions, which mean their relationship is fractured, she is still the child and therefore cannot be expected to manage the consequences equally as well.

Assuming neither of them have medical conditions and he just eats like an animal and she is a hormonal melting pot, the same applies.

She’s just a little girl. It’s yours and your husband’s job to help her. Not the other way round. Even if that means he has his tea when she’s gone to bed.

The fact she is the child means she has the most learning to do.

I cannot believe PPs are suggesting this poor man just never eats around his child and takes all the abuse.

If it was OP in the situation I honestly believe the responses would be different but oh well it's just DH.