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Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:47

@CodenameVillanelle

It's not sexist to acknowledge the fact that children are most likely to be sexually abused by a non related male household member and therefore women should be EXTREMELY careful about which men they allow into their children's lives

Men who choose to start a relationship with a woman who is about to have someone else's baby are likely to have motivations that are at best odd (wanting a ready made family for eg) and at worst predatory. Best avoided.

What statistics are you basing this on? My understanding was it was more common to be a related family membr.

Secondly , she is not 'just about " to have anyone's baby. You have no idea of knowing what his motivations are. You are being OTT and unecessary calling him predatory.

GreekOddess · 14/12/2020 21:47

Will people stop using the term "baby daddy" it's ridiculous.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:48

[quote Bizawit]@CodenameVillanelle so women who have children shouldn’t be allowed to date men who aren’t the father in case said men abuse the child? But men shouldn’t be subject to the same restrictions? And you don’t reckon your attitudes/ ideas are at all sexist?
If they did still happen to be dating in 6 months (who knows) , presumably a) OP’s gotten to know him a bit and assertsined whether or not he’s dangerous and b) presumably she doesn’t necessarily have to leave him alone with her newborn giving him the opportunity to sexually abuse him/ her 🙄🙄
Men also abuse their biological children as well FYI. Should we not allow men around children at all?[/quote]
Absolutely not. All men are predators looking for victims . This is MN.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:49

@CodenameVillanelle right....

So she's more at risk inviting a random man into her house for sex but can't have a meaningful emotional relationship with him? Your theory being the second he is her boyfriend he is more at risk to the child than the man she is just having sex with...?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:50

I'm a social worker - it's accepted evidence that non related male adults are a much higher risk of sexually abusing children. Cafcass have research on this. I'll see if I can find something if you are really interested.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 14/12/2020 21:50

I’m not convinced it’s a great idea based on how vulnerable pregnancy can make you both physically and mentally.

Plus COVID and STDs are not great to catch while pregnant.

(Before anyone jumps in, I know dating doesn’t necessarily = sex and that sex doesn’t necessarily = STDs. However it’s obviously a possibility)

Bizawit · 14/12/2020 21:51

@SnackSizeRaisin

I think you should have a bit of a think about your priorities OP. Bad enough getting accidentally pregnant with someone you are not even on speaking terms with, let alone then immediately trying to get together with someone else that you've never met. It seems extremely selfish and the poor baby is obviously last on the priority list. I'm all for having fun and doing what you want when you are free and single, but once there is a child to consider you have to put them first and it is not old fashioned to say that. It might sometimes be fine to date when pregnant, but to deliberately go looking for a new boyfriend at this time is really not a great idea. If you want companionship then just make some platonic friends, maybe through antenatal classes or do a hobby or something.
😲😲😲 wow. Just wow. Are you from the 50s? When did OP say she ‘accidentally’ got pregnant? And so what if she did? And what’s wrong with being single and pregnant? And what’s wrong with dating while having a child (OPs isn’t even born yet)? And how does that automatically imply your child/ future child isn’t your first priority ? And how does it harm her unborn child in ANY way to go on a date with a man? Please please do explain...
Bluntness100 · 14/12/2020 21:51

Op, if you’re looking for companionship would it not be better to find that with friends? People who can support you?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:51

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@CodenameVillanelle right....

So she's more at risk inviting a random man into her house for sex but can't have a meaningful emotional relationship with him? Your theory being the second he is her boyfriend he is more at risk to the child than the man she is just having sex with...?[/quote]
My theory is that if she wants a casual sexual relationship whilst she doesn't actually have a baby it won't affect the baby in any way whereas if she starts a full on relationship then it's actually likely to affect the baby
Not sure why you're struggling to grasp this tbh

Teaanddimebars · 14/12/2020 21:51

There seems to be a lot of talk about a relationship here/having a man in the baby’s life etc

But OP might not be open to a serious relationship and looking for someone to being up a child with her.

She might be looking for a sexual relationship only and not fancy going for 6 months without sex. Which is fair enough surely.

Or looking for just coffee/friendship type dates, or for a serious relationship after all. She asked if she should be honest and has been.

I know a man who went on a date with someone he met online. When she came in she was clearly heavily pregnant. When he enquired about this, she explained she was pregnant with twins. When he asked why she hadn’t mentioned this during their chats, she said “If I’d told you, you wouldn’t have come “ Grin He was put off by that, but maybe another man wouldn’t have been. Honesty seems to be the best policy though.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:51

@CodenameVillanelle

I'm a social worker - it's accepted evidence that non related male adults are a much higher risk of sexually abusing children. Cafcass have research on this. I'll see if I can find something if you are really interested.
Thsr was a genuine question to be fair even though I thought the rest of your posts were inflammatory at best. It was always my understanding that it was more likely to be father /uncle /cousin. Is that based on the number of stepfather's /mums dodgy boyfriends ?

Op, sorry we are talking about this when you're pregnant. Il stop derailing.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:52

@CodenameVillanelle

Right. So is she allows to continue her casual relationship when she has a baby the ?

I'm struggling to grasp it cause it sounds so....odd.

Original poster
frabbit · 14/12/2020 21:53

Couple of points for clarity’s sake.

My pregnancy was not planned. I have plenty of support from friends and family, am not in need of a hobby but do miss male companionship/support.

I am not actively seeking a relationship. I’d like to enjoy dating and see what happens, I’m not looking for someone to raise my baby - I am perfectly capable of doing that alone.

I haven’t put the fact that I’m pregnant on my dating profile because I don’t want to attract the type of men that fetishise pregnancy. So I am chatting to men, and if the chat goes well (as it has in this case), then I’ll tell them and see how that goes. As it turns out, telling this guy has been absolutely fine and he still wants to meet. Yes, it’s just coffee so no pressure, technically not a full on date which suits me just fine.

OP posts:
Bizawit · 14/12/2020 21:53

@CodenameVillanelle

I'm a social worker - it's accepted evidence that non related male adults are a much higher risk of sexually abusing children. Cafcass have research on this. I'll see if I can find something if you are really interested.
Yes of course I know that. Not the point. Point is there’s always a risk , but the risk is small. And I don’t think it should preclude women with children from dating. And I do think it’s incredibly sexist to think it does. But of course leaving your child with an unknown man is not advisable, but this is far from relevant to the question at hand.
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 14/12/2020 21:54

Tell him obviously. Do you really need to always have a man?!

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:54

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@CodenameVillanelle

Right. So is she allows to continue her casual relationship when she has a baby the ?

I'm struggling to grasp it cause it sounds so....odd.[/quote]
That's the point isn't it?
Having a casual relationship now won't affect the baby. It would be pretty hard to continue a casual relationship with a new born, and having a serious relationship would be risky to the baby.
I really don't get why you find this odd.

Original poster
frabbit · 14/12/2020 21:56

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel nope. I’ve been single for 4 years. Definitely don’t need a man.

OP posts:
Nunoftheother · 14/12/2020 21:56

I went on a few dates with someone who didn't make it clear at the outset that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I was pissed off enough about that - can't imagine how I'd feel if I discovered the person I'd been dating was pregnant and hadn't mentioned it!

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:56

@frabbit

Couple of points for clarity’s sake.

My pregnancy was not planned. I have plenty of support from friends and family, am not in need of a hobby but do miss male companionship/support.

I am not actively seeking a relationship. I’d like to enjoy dating and see what happens, I’m not looking for someone to raise my baby - I am perfectly capable of doing that alone.

I haven’t put the fact that I’m pregnant on my dating profile because I don’t want to attract the type of men that fetishise pregnancy. So I am chatting to men, and if the chat goes well (as it has in this case), then I’ll tell them and see how that goes. As it turns out, telling this guy has been absolutely fine and he still wants to meet. Yes, it’s just coffee so no pressure, technically not a full on date which suits me just fine.

Oh god don't tell them it was unplanned OP. Shock

A hobby Grin I have honestly never heard this used in real life conversation.

'my boyfriend and I have split , I'm pregnant and feeling lonely and looking for companionship '

'have you thought about sewing:

Seriously though OP - I do think PP are right about you being vulnerable like anyone is after a split let alone being pregnant. I don't know the circumstances of you and your ex but I can fully imagine how hard it must be. Bear in mind any decisions you make now might change things forever given that you aren't speaking and you haven't given any indication of how you potentially want that to pan out.

I say if you're happy and so is this guy then go on a date. People will judge you whatever you do so you might as well enjoy it.

Be happy Flowers

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:57

@Wheresmykimchi step parents (male) are more likely to sexually abuse children than fathers or other related male relatives.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:58

@CodenameVillanelle because I honestly can't understand why you think having a serious emotional relationship is a more 'risky' - your words not mine than what you're encouraging her to do now.

Encouraging to have sex with someone post break up while pregnant then be fine and dandy to cut off all men and focus on her child and baking is naive at best.

BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 21:58

FFS. You may as well have written you're missing a shag. No need to doctor it up.

I will never understand women who can't go without attention for a few months! Give yourself a break.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:58

[quote CodenameVillanelle]@Wheresmykimchi step parents (male) are more likely to sexually abuse children than fathers or other related male relatives.[/quote]
Genuinely didn't know that. Thanks for answering that.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:59

@BobsYerUnclee

FFS. You may as well have written you're missing a shag. No need to doctor it up.

I will never understand women who can't go without attention for a few months! Give yourself a break.

She didn't say that though , did she.
Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:59

@Nunoftheother

I went on a few dates with someone who didn't make it clear at the outset that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I was pissed off enough about that - can't imagine how I'd feel if I discovered the person I'd been dating was pregnant and hadn't mentioned it!
I wouldn't be pissed off , I'd be absolutely impressed and astounded Grin