To date when pregnant?

[frabbit]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

@AnyFucker

Can you not do without a man just for a few months ?

Why should she have to? Is this the 1950s and unmarried pregnant women need to be hidden in their homes until the baby is born and everyone's told it's the woman's sibling, not child? Fucking hell

I think you should focus on yourself and your baby at this stage. Surely you don't plan on starting a new relationship then having a baby whilst dating??

It would be totally gross. How can folk do this.

Also, how many threads do you read on here where people are complaining that dating is so difficult , full of time wasters etc. because people haven’t told the truth at the beginning.

I do think it feels a little yucky, but I’m wondering why that is. I think it’s a societal judgment thing. Why can’t I date when I’m single and expecting? I’m not saying I fancy going out and shagging around. But what’s really wrong with dating/companionship whilst going through pregnancy alone? Why does the thought of dating mean that my priorities need checked?

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’

I can absolutely be without a man. This isn’t a case of necessity. But if I should want to date, what is really so wrong about it?

FWIW, I have told him about the pregnancy. I fully expected him to say he was no longer interested, but he does still want to meet me. The only reason I considered not telling him before meeting is that realistically, the date may not even go well and I don’t know him that well so why should I obliged to divulge such personal information at this point? I did tell him because I would rather give him an out now, should he want it. I also wouldn’t want to tell guys before we even start chatting, as I’m well aware of the creeps it could attract. I’m not wanting to jump into a relationship or find a man to raise my child, but not sure why my dating life is suddenly disgusting just because I’m expecting. It will be even harder to date once baby is here I imagine!

@ivfbeenbusy

Yes of course he should know?

There was a thread a while back where a pregnant woman was asking about dating someone whilst pregnant and about having sex and the general consensus was that it was a bit "yucky" to put it mildly

How is it ‘yucky’? Why so judgemental?! Why should she tell him. It’s the first date- she doesn’t owe him anything!!

Well that was resolved quickly.

I don't think many men would be prepared to keep dating someone who was pregnant with someone else's baby. Even if the date went really well, there's a good chance once he found out, that would be it over.
I'm really surprised you would even consider it to be honest.

@frabbit

I do think it feels a little yucky, but I’m wondering why that is. I think it’s a societal judgment thing. Why can’t I date when I’m single and expecting? I’m not saying I fancy going out and shagging around. But what’s really wrong with dating/companionship whilst going through pregnancy alone? Why does the thought of dating mean that my priorities need checked?

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’

I can absolutely be without a man. This isn’t a case of necessity. But if I should want to date, what is really so wrong about it?

FWIW, I have told him about the pregnancy. I fully expected him to say he was no longer interested, but he does still want to meet me. The only reason I considered not telling him before meeting is that realistically, the date may not even go well and I don’t know him that well so why should I obliged to divulge such personal information at this point? I did tell him because I would rather give him an out now, should he want it. I also wouldn’t want to tell guys before we even start chatting, as I’m well aware of the creeps it could attract. I’m not wanting to jump into a relationship or find a man to raise my child, but not sure why my dating life is suddenly disgusting just because I’m expecting. It will be even harder to date once baby is here I imagine!

Personally I think having a shag would be fine but it's the idea of starting a relationship that is dodgy. You're going to be raising a child. Starting a relationship with someone who isn't the father is irresponsible towards the child.

Honestly? I don't think it's a great idea to date whilst expecting a baby (male or female).

In a few short months you'll be a parent and I can't imagine how that would work alongside a new relationship... both take up so much headspace.

Obviously it's up to you, but if you do decide to date, please be upfront about your pregnancy.

[quote MrsGrindah]@Bizawit. Err..the OP asked fir people’s opinions. And it is quite an important detail not to mention. It’s like someone being married and separated and not mentioning it . People should tell each other significant information upfront , giving the other person the opportunity to pass if it’s not for them.[/quote]
@MrsGrindah yeh and and I said people’s opinions are super judgemental! Which they are. Why has everyone got such an issue with it? Because it doesn’t fit it to the box of the perfect little heteronormative / nuclear family bubble you think we should all live within?
I
So you think everyone has an obligation to inform everyone that they go on a first date with if they are separated?? What if they weren’t married? Should I send every first date a list of all my previous boyfriends?

I don't think this is about societies expectations of women v men, but more about what you're physically and emotionally going through. An expectant dad isn't.

I don't think it's gross, I just can't work out how I'd have the headspace for a dating whilst pregnant. Ultimately, it would be a pretty huge fucking thing not to tell someone. So I'm glad you did OP. Hope your date goes OK.

@frabbit

I do think it feels a little yucky, but I’m wondering why that is. I think it’s a societal judgment thing. Why can’t I date when I’m single and expecting? I’m not saying I fancy going out and shagging around. But what’s really wrong with dating/companionship whilst going through pregnancy alone? Why does the thought of dating mean that my priorities need checked?

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’

I can absolutely be without a man. This isn’t a case of necessity. But if I should want to date, what is really so wrong about it?

FWIW, I have told him about the pregnancy. I fully expected him to say he was no longer interested, but he does still want to meet me. The only reason I considered not telling him before meeting is that realistically, the date may not even go well and I don’t know him that well so why should I obliged to divulge such personal information at this point? I did tell him because I would rather give him an out now, should he want it. I also wouldn’t want to tell guys before we even start chatting, as I’m well aware of the creeps it could attract. I’m not wanting to jump into a relationship or find a man to raise my child, but not sure why my dating life is suddenly disgusting just because I’m expecting. It will be even harder to date once baby is here I imagine!

OP I'm sorry people are treating you as a baby making machine rather than a human with feelings!

It's great he's taken it so well, hope your date goes well!

Congratulations by the way! I hope this is the last of the disgusting unnecessary comments you get throughout your pregnancy

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?

Actually you might but the point is its the woman's body that goes through pregnancy, not the man's. It3s you who will go through labour and the the effects that will have on your body, and ultimately its going to be you who is the main carer for a tiny new born. Like I said, it's doubtful a man would want to be involved in that so why waste his time and yours?

@CodenameVillanelle why? I also didn’t say I’m starting a relationship. I’m talking about dating. It could easily just be casual, but obviously if things progressed then I don’t see why that would necessarily be a negative thing. And on that note, you think starting a relationship with the father would be a positive thing for the child? We have never been together, don’t particularly get on very well and I honestly don’t think he will even stick to his word of being involved. But that’s neither here nor there when it comes to my dating life.

@frabbit

I do think it feels a little yucky, but I’m wondering why that is. I think it’s a societal judgment thing. Why can’t I date when I’m single and expecting? I’m not saying I fancy going out and shagging around. But what’s really wrong with dating/companionship whilst going through pregnancy alone? Why does the thought of dating mean that my priorities need checked?

If I were a man expecting a baby with a woman I wasn’t with, I doubt I’d be getting told to get my priorities straight, and ‘couldn’t I be without a woman for a few months?’

I can absolutely be without a man. This isn’t a case of necessity. But if I should want to date, what is really so wrong about it?

FWIW, I have told him about the pregnancy. I fully expected him to say he was no longer interested, but he does still want to meet me. The only reason I considered not telling him before meeting is that realistically, the date may not even go well and I don’t know him that well so why should I obliged to divulge such personal information at this point? I did tell him because I would rather give him an out now, should he want it. I also wouldn’t want to tell guys before we even start chatting, as I’m well aware of the creeps it could attract. I’m not wanting to jump into a relationship or find a man to raise my child, but not sure why my dating life is suddenly disgusting just because I’m expecting. It will be even harder to date once baby is here I imagine!

You are spot on OP. Nothing wrong with it at all. And great you told him and he’s fine with it. I guess that already disabuses a few of the judgy-mc-judgy assumptions that PPs on this thread have already made.

@Barmyfarmy thank you!

My friend met his (now) wife when she was 6 months pregnant on her own as the father fucked off. They have been married for 17 years and were together ten years before that.

But, he knew up front that she was pregnant and they took it very slowly.

Have you considered a mum and baby group or antenatal class if you're looking companionship during pregnancy?

I don't think it's yucky at a but I do think it seems a bit odd (can't think of the right word) as you're either going to be dating for 6 months and then ending it (and then maybe being upset about that whilst looking after a newborn) or having someone you've known for 6 months helping you raise a baby that isn't theirs.

I would tell him before the date. If I was dating I would expect a man to tell me beforehand or after the first date if he was expecting a baby with some.

I also wondered what tier you are in as dating before reaching bubble stage in much of the country currently means walking around in the cold and the dark.

Taking COVID risks whilst expecting is tricky

@minesapintoftea good point

[quote frabbit]@CodenameVillanelle why? I also didn’t say I’m starting a relationship. I’m talking about dating. It could easily just be casual, but obviously if things progressed then I don’t see why that would necessarily be a negative thing. And on that note, you think starting a relationship with the father would be a positive thing for the child? We have never been together, don’t particularly get on very well and I honestly don’t think he will even stick to his word of being involved. But that’s neither here nor there when it comes to my dating life.[/quote]
Single parents need to put their kids first and be very careful before introducing new partners. Your baby isn't even born yet and when it is born you'll be with it 24/7. It's the opposite of taking it slow when introducing a new partner.
Your baby should not be in the position of developing an attachment to someone who is not their parent or main carer who could vanish at any point, and who you don't know well, which will be anyone you start dating during pregnancy.
Clearly you've got reasons not to be with the father but the point I was making is that if you were, the baby will be developing a relationship with its father not with a random.
You're going to be a parent now, time to put yourself second for a bit. That's not sexism, that's parenting.

Unsure why you came on here for opinions, when you have already made up your mind?

@MinesAPintOfTea I don’t think it’s relevant to the situation, but for clarity I’m in Scotland and Tier 2 so allowed to meet in hospitality settings. He has suggested we meet for a coffee.

@CodenameVillanelle I’m not saying I want to start a relationship with the guy though. I’m just talking about generally dating, a bit of a social life, some companionship. And if it does, obviously things would have to be adjusted when baby arrives. But for now, I don’t see why it matters.