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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
Original poster
frabbit · 14/12/2020 22:00

@BobsYerUnclee hahaha I am missing it actually, but that’s not why I’m considering dating. If I just fancied a shag, I could easily get one and not have to bother disclosing the pregnancy. Hmm

OP posts:
BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 22:02

@Wheresmykimchi

No, she stated she didn't want to live like a nun whilst pregnant. She's implying she needs male attention. Christ, it's only been a couple of months.

Ick

Redburnett · 14/12/2020 22:02

Yuck. Just put yourself in the man's position.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:02

[quote frabbit]@BobsYerUnclee hahaha I am missing it actually, but that’s not why I’m considering dating. If I just fancied a shag, I could easily get one and not have to bother disclosing the pregnancy. Hmm[/quote]
How dare you! You are pregnant! Going to be a PARENT! You must not miss sex. You must turn off all needs and feelings. And emotions.

Sit at home until the baby is born reading up on baking and parenting books. Do not answer the door to anyone unless they've had a full check on their entire history. Oh and for god sake don't speak to any men. Ever again.

BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 22:03

[quote frabbit]@BobsYerUnclee hahaha I am missing it actually, but that’s not why I’m considering dating. If I just fancied a shag, I could easily get one and not have to bother disclosing the pregnancy. Hmm[/quote]
Get a vibrator then and do yourself the honours.

Hmm
Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:03

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi

No, she stated she didn't want to live like a nun whilst pregnant. She's implying she needs male attention. Christ, it's only been a couple of months.

Ick [/quote]
She very clearly said that she wants companionship and dating. We are all aware the last time she had sex but are you in the know of the last time she had support and companionship? You don't know the circumstances of this.

Diverseopinions · 14/12/2020 22:04

The thing is we all use the term 'date' but it doesn't mean anything. Dating describes booking time with someone, the essential thing, what does it mean to you?
In your original post you said you wanted 'companionship' and 'support'. The support bit sounds like you are looking for a man to be a dad figure for the baby and do some of the grind to help you and even look after you. Unless you are viewing motherhood as a life challenge like starting a new job and you are looking for a champion to boost your spirits and morale.

But if your idea of a date is mainly to chat and feel some human warmth, then your new guy is basically a friend /a good pal, isn't he?. Date can, on the other hand, suggest starting something up, seeing if two people can build a future together as partners. But you've already started to build your future and would be presenting him with a fait accompli - he couldn't be flexibly shaping a future with you in a fun way - you'd have to bypass the frivolous stuff to get stuck in to the serious duty of childrearing. It would be such a different future to what he might have been imaging - perhaps you and him cooking together, just the two of you.

Here's where you have to switch perspective to see how the new guy would see it. Babies need massively to be put first and the needs of the baby would impact and take priority over everything, and govern your home and all he were to do with you for years to come. You've met a little and considered one type of connection, now he'd be contemplating a big commitment for him to be endlessly selfless and loving around the little person if he falls in love with you and wants to be your partner.

It sounds a bit like you let things happen in a way you tell yourself is unintended but subconsciously you're shaping events. I wonder if you could have been having a frequent and meaningful communication with the baby's dad, if you had wanted it and nurtured it. The baby won't be able to tell the dad how they're feeling for years. The dad will have to chatting to you regularly to get in-depth updates on how his child is doing, and what joyful moments have happened. It would seem to be really important to nurture that co-parenting relationship, because that is the one which could make a big difference to the baby's and therefore your wellbeing. The new friendship could be good too, but at this early stage, it's a complete unknown.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:04

@BobsYerUnclee I bet OP wishes she'd thought of that. Thank god for you.

BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 22:05

@Wheresmykimchi

Don't dramatise. Nobody is saying that.

I just can't imagine having a "casual" relationship with man I've not long known, whilst pregnant.

Get some self respect.

Bizawit · 14/12/2020 22:05

Exactly. Since when was being in a relationship automatically harmful to children?! Sure if he’s an abusive bastard not a good plan, but that’s not the automatic assumption!!

Assuming he’s not a child molester (most men aren’t, but ok do your due diligence!) OP having some companionship/ a relationship can only be a good thing for both baby and mum. A relationship isn’t necessary, but if it is there - great. Mums welfare is also important for baby’s welfare ffs!!!

Simplyunacceptable · 14/12/2020 22:05

You have a lot of other more serious things to focus on right now. It really isn’t the time to start dating someone new. I’d also be a little worried about a man who willingly started dating a pregnant woman, it’s a bit weird.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:06

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi

Don't dramatise. Nobody is saying that.

I just can't imagine having a "casual" relationship with man I've not long known, whilst pregnant.

Get some self respect. [/quote]
You are telling me to get some self respect while telling the whole of the internet about your approval of vibrators. Righto.

shinynewapple2020 · 14/12/2020 22:07

I think there have been some really unpleasant responses on here .

You've done the right thing in being upfront OP. Good luck .

Original poster
frabbit · 14/12/2020 22:08

@Wheresmykimchi God forbid a woman has needs! Shock

@BobsYerUnclee I have plenty. It’s obviously not the same as intimacy. Hmm But as I said, that’s not really what I’m looking for from dating. I really don’t see what’s wrong with going on dates and enjoying myself. These next few months are really going to be the last of any time that I have for myself for a long time, after all.

OP posts:
BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 22:08

I'm not the one condoning casual sex whilst pregnant. It's rank.

Hope you feel better for that one.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:08

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi

Don't dramatise. Nobody is saying that.

I just can't imagine having a "casual" relationship with man I've not long known, whilst pregnant.

Get some self respect. [/quote]
OP only mentioned coffee.

PPS actively told her not to have a meaningful relationship and just to have sex , so your fantastic and witty advice shouldn't be aimed at OP.

Bizawit · 14/12/2020 22:09

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi

Don't dramatise. Nobody is saying that.

I just can't imagine having a "casual" relationship with man I've not long known, whilst pregnant.

Get some self respect. [/quote]
I really don’t understand, what is wrong about dating when pregnant? Why is it a matter of self respect?

BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 22:09

@Wheresmykimchi

I'm starting to think you're the bloke wanting to shag her...

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:10

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi

I'm starting to think you're the bloke wanting to shag her...[/quote]
Yeah , you caught me out sweet cheeks.

Although I have to say after your vibrator comment , you've turned my head. Blush

BobsYerUnclee · 14/12/2020 22:11

@Bizawit

I don't mind dating. It's the casual sex aspect.

It's bloody rank to sleep with someone purely for a shag when you're carrying a child.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 22:12

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Bizawit

I don't mind dating. It's the casual sex aspect.

It's bloody rank to sleep with someone purely for a shag when you're carrying a child.

[/quote]
OP. DIDN'T. SAY. THAT.

Why aren't you aiming this at the PPs who actively stopped her considering emotional relationships and told her just to shag people whole reminding her any serious boyfriend might molest her child?!

And on a serious note no I don't know OP. But she's getting an unfair time here.

eeek88 · 14/12/2020 22:13

Given that he is already informed of the situation regardng the baby, I think it will go one of several ways:

  1. They have a few dates, enjoy each other's company and it fizzles out naturally. Not a problem.
  2. They really click but when the baby comes along OP's priorities change and he is no longer top of the list so it fizzles out. Bit of a shame for him if he was expecting to remain the most interesting thing in her life, but not really a problem.
  3. It turns into something serious and when the baby comes along he sticks around and makes a longer term commitment. It would be a shame to throw away an opportunity like this.
  4. [flippant comment alert] She's a brazen hussey who just wants a man to carry her through her reckless decisions - in which case she'll get one anyway and it'll end in tears anyway so I don't see why she shouldn't crack on and let it all end in tears with this one
  5. [flippant comment alert] He's a paedophilic predator* like all men and she definitely shouldn't let him near her child, born or unborn. In which case she either needs to remain single FOREVER or accept that her child is going to be horribly damaged by him. *Except that if he was a predator he would probably be targeting women that he already knew to be pregnant instead of wasting his time pursuing women that he believes to not be pregnant on the off-chance that they might turn out to be pregnant after all

If you want to meet him for a date go for it! Hope you have fun :)

Original poster
frabbit · 14/12/2020 22:13

@Diverseopinions thank you for such a well thought out and non judgemental response, I genuinely appreciate it.

Perhaps support was the wrong word, but I do miss having someone to ask how my day was, little things like that. Of course I have friends, but it’s not the same. I totally understand that these thoughts will be crossing his mind too, but at this stage we’re just meeting for coffee. I’ll cross whatever other bridges if and when I get to them.

The baby’s dad has a complete wall up against communicating with me at the moment. I have to wait 3 business days for a reply to a simple text message. I have tried, and I hope that we can co-parent in a civil way for baby’s sake.

OP posts:
Skittlebug · 14/12/2020 22:15

@CodenameVillanelle

I'm a social worker - it's accepted evidence that non related male adults are a much higher risk of sexually abusing children. Cafcass have research on this. I'll see if I can find something if you are really interested.
You only have to look at the daily fail to see the research, it's in the news every hour. Honestly terrifying, but I am highly paranoid about these things and probably wouldn't have a full blown relationship/introduce new partner to kids until my children were well past the vulnerable age near adulthood. As long as op makes the baby a priority I don't think anyone can judge her.
TheQueensGambit · 14/12/2020 22:15

I don't think it is U to date while pregnant. However, I think the men you meet will either be casual sex type meetups or a very niche group who don't mind being in a relationship with someone who is pregnant and will soon have a newborn (which is obviously an awful lot of work and a total dampner on social life, sometimes your career etc), without really knowing you at all.

You say you don't want a relationship, so if it's a casual hook up type thing, my only concern would be that if you expose yourself to multiple sexual partners, you are exposing yourself to STIs. If you happen to be unlucky and catch one, you will be limited in the treatment you can receive as you are pregnant and some of those infections can be harmful to you and your baby. So I would honestly be against casual sex while pregnant (sorry).