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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 14/12/2020 20:59

He wants to meet for coffee. So thats not a date. Thats just coffee.
I seriously dont get how you have already been to this guy for a bit considering you are on only 15 weeks pregnant. ...
Sounds like you are looking for a baby daddy that is going to help you when bebe is coming along.

And stop asking for advice and what to do etc
When you've already made your mind up.

Also. You are pregnant and i would be thinking more about bebe's health then dating/going out for a coffee with a random bloke.

Thickhead · 14/12/2020 21:00

Not a good idea OP.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2020 21:00

Contracting Covid as a pregnant woman is a fucking blast, that's for sure. That's a whole heap of "fun" coming your way.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:02

It's not sexist to acknowledge the fact that children are most likely to be sexually abused by a non related male household member and therefore women should be EXTREMELY careful about which men they allow into their children's lives

Men who choose to start a relationship with a woman who is about to have someone else's baby are likely to have motivations that are at best odd (wanting a ready made family for eg) and at worst predatory. Best avoided.

Noranorav · 14/12/2020 21:02

I'd be inclined to look at this objectively - you're just starting a major life change- timing wise how does trying to embark on another life change fit with that? Bit like wanting to get a puppy but also about to renovate a house! Yes do it, but maybe +12 months rather than now! Be honest with yourself and what you want out of the situation? Casual - can you handle this... Serious - have you got the bandwidth to focus on baby changes and a new man (assuming you find one).
It's perfectly natural to want a relationship of course but be honest with yourself - is this a good time to proactively start looking?

Changethetoner · 14/12/2020 21:02

Maybe try and make mum friends, they're more useful in the long run than a few dinner dates.

NoProblem123 · 14/12/2020 21:02

Tell him.
And if he’s not interested then you maybe need to be in your own romantically and work on your other relationships, especially the one with your unborn child.
All the best because you’ll need it Biscuit

KitKat1985 · 14/12/2020 21:03

Nothing wrong per se with dating whilst pregnant (but I'd definitely say in advance, as I think it would get more awkward to bring up if you left it until a few dates in).

But I do think if I was you I'd really have other priorities right now. I appreciate you aren't with your babies father but if he plans on being involved long term you both need to start talking about how bringing up this baby together is going to work, and I think at the moment that's only going to be made even more complicated if you have another man in the background at the same time.

toastfiend · 14/12/2020 21:08

I'm really surprised by the responses on here to be honest. I, too, would have expected more open-minded reactions. The OP doesn't need to go into confinement, we did away with lying-in a while ago.

I don't think there's any harm in going on a date, OP, but I'd absolutely tell him before you go, then he can make his own mind up. It seems a bit like a man can't win in this situation. If he decides he doesn't want anything to do with a pregnant woman he's viewed as a bastard (even if the baby isn't his), if he decides he wants to go on a date with her then he's seen as "weird." 🤷‍♀️ I'm also confused how much preparation you're supposed to do for the baby's arrival at just 15 weeks pregnant. You've got a long time to "prepare" if people are suggesting you start now.

I don't know, ultimately I think you should do what makes you happy and what feels right. Obviously be responsible and look after yours and your baby's health and wellbeing, but going for a coffee with someone isn't going to do any harm if you're both fully aware of the situation.

ReeseWitherfork · 14/12/2020 21:24

I think people are quick to bring sexism and archaic views into this when a lot of posters are just saying "what's the point?"

Bizawit · 14/12/2020 21:30

@CodenameVillanelle

It's not sexist to acknowledge the fact that children are most likely to be sexually abused by a non related male household member and therefore women should be EXTREMELY careful about which men they allow into their children's lives

Men who choose to start a relationship with a woman who is about to have someone else's baby are likely to have motivations that are at best odd (wanting a ready made family for eg) and at worst predatory. Best avoided.

Or maybe he just fancies her and thinks it would be nice to go for a coffee?
Christmasfairy2020 · 14/12/2020 21:32

Because when you are pregnant you are heavy, tired, its emotional etc. Its financially expensive and also a man may be trying to get to you to hurt your child. It sounds maybe like you are scared of been a single mum and are looking for someone to help. Also most likely when baby comes you may get back together with the baby's dad

Christmasfairy2020 · 14/12/2020 21:33

Also domestic violence is higher in pregnant women

MrsLighthouse · 14/12/2020 21:36

There would be a teeny tiny chance that a well balanced man would accept the pregnancy, fall in love with you and provide a happy ending . More likely you will find someone that wants an instant family to deal with their unresolved issues or worse someone pervy. Does seem an odd time to date ? ...but just go in with honestly and vigilance .

Ki0612 · 14/12/2020 21:36

Single friends at work who are not pregnant are finding it hard to date/ meet new people due to the pandemic so i do think that is a big issue to consider. Most people are not going out more than necessary, keeping 2m distance etc, so don't think the person who raised the pandemic should be dismissed.

Bizawit · 14/12/2020 21:37

@CodenameVillanelle so women who have children shouldn’t be allowed to date men who aren’t the father in case said men abuse the child? But men shouldn’t be subject to the same restrictions? And you don’t reckon your attitudes/ ideas are at all sexist?
If they did still happen to be dating in 6 months (who knows) , presumably a) OP’s gotten to know him a bit and assertsined whether or not he’s dangerous and b) presumably she doesn’t necessarily have to leave him alone with her newborn giving him the opportunity to sexually abuse him/ her 🙄🙄
Men also abuse their biological children as well FYI. Should we not allow men around children at all?

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/12/2020 21:40

I think you should have a bit of a think about your priorities OP. Bad enough getting accidentally pregnant with someone you are not even on speaking terms with, let alone then immediately trying to get together with someone else that you've never met. It seems extremely selfish and the poor baby is obviously last on the priority list.
I'm all for having fun and doing what you want when you are free and single, but once there is a child to consider you have to put them first and it is not old fashioned to say that.
It might sometimes be fine to date when pregnant, but to deliberately go looking for a new boyfriend at this time is really not a great idea. If you want companionship then just make some platonic friends, maybe through antenatal classes or do a hobby or something.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:42

[quote Bizawit]@CodenameVillanelle so women who have children shouldn’t be allowed to date men who aren’t the father in case said men abuse the child? But men shouldn’t be subject to the same restrictions? And you don’t reckon your attitudes/ ideas are at all sexist?
If they did still happen to be dating in 6 months (who knows) , presumably a) OP’s gotten to know him a bit and assertsined whether or not he’s dangerous and b) presumably she doesn’t necessarily have to leave him alone with her newborn giving him the opportunity to sexually abuse him/ her 🙄🙄
Men also abuse their biological children as well FYI. Should we not allow men around children at all?[/quote]
Oh shhh you silly Billy
I made my points perfectly clearly - you're projecting for some reason but that's your issue not mine

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:42

Why are you all being so rude?

It's not ideal no, but the girl is obviously fragile and didn't ask for your judgement.

If you don't have a nice comment , don't make it. Don't make one with a 'il bite my tongue but ' as if you're doing her w favour.

Op, for what it's worth I don't think it's the right time to be dating but I can understand why you want to.

Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:42

@SnackSizeRaisin

I think you should have a bit of a think about your priorities OP. Bad enough getting accidentally pregnant with someone you are not even on speaking terms with, let alone then immediately trying to get together with someone else that you've never met. It seems extremely selfish and the poor baby is obviously last on the priority list. I'm all for having fun and doing what you want when you are free and single, but once there is a child to consider you have to put them first and it is not old fashioned to say that. It might sometimes be fine to date when pregnant, but to deliberately go looking for a new boyfriend at this time is really not a great idea. If you want companionship then just make some platonic friends, maybe through antenatal classes or do a hobby or something.
Where does OP say she got accidentally pregnant? Did I miss this?
Wheresmykimchi · 14/12/2020 21:44

@CodenameVillanelle

You think it's okay for her to have sexual intercourse while pregnant with a man she's not with /isn't the father /doesn't know but you don't think she should have an emotional relationship with him. Righto.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/12/2020 21:45

The majority of this thread has been rather judgey Hmm. Better get a bell around your neck and shout unclean wherever you go OP.

An old work colleague met someone when she was 6 months pregnant, she was totally upfront with him (it was kind of obvious!). 30 odd years later they’re very happy and had 2 further children. His mental parents tried to say she tricked him, bit tricky as she was so pregnant when they met and the baby was mixed race (he was white and so was my friend).

igotosleep · 14/12/2020 21:46

I wouldn’t do it but each to their own I guess.
You have been honest, that’s the main thing.

CodenameVillanelle · 14/12/2020 21:46

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@CodenameVillanelle

You think it's okay for her to have sexual intercourse while pregnant with a man she's not with /isn't the father /doesn't know but you don't think she should have an emotional relationship with him. Righto.[/quote]
Yep!
Having sex won't impact on the baby. Starting a relationship definitely might.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/12/2020 21:47

@frabbit oh yeah, totally different if you were the dad. I’m sure barely anyone would bat an eyelid Confused. Double standards aren’t cool

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