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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 16/12/2020 09:26

But bitching behind their backs is no better. I just wouldn't judge my friend and call it a mess behind her back or otherwise.

Thinking a situation is very far from ideal but trying to support the person (and most importantly the child) is different from "bitching behind their back". Their parents raised their kids in stable, apparently happy two parent families and would've preferred the same for their grandchildren. Nonetheless they've gone above and beyond to support their daughters and the children. So maybe you could pause in your feeling of moral superiority to them.

Bizawit · 16/12/2020 09:27

@Sandals19

All the dating threads on here outline repeated, consistent experiences of men messing around and behaving badly, finding a decent, genuine man often takes extensive, quite long-term searching : with a great deal of "kissing frogs" along the way. To continue with it requires the hide of a rhino, a high level of self preservation and emotional robustness. That's usually in situations where the woman doesn't even have the added complications of a pregnancy and then new baby.

Personally I think op should swerve it for a while.

Have you had some bad experiences dating @Sandals19? You seem to have a very negative view of the process.

Yes there can be stresses and disappointments associated with dating, but there can be lots of positives too.
You have taken a very one dimensional view of the situation, which completely fails to consider the potential benefits of dating on the one hand (e.g. fun, company, good conversation with new and interesting people, getting out the house, trying out new places to go/ activities to do, confidence boost, feelings of optimism/ possibility for the future/ romance/ companionship).
And the potential costs of abstaining from dating on the other (most notably loneliness, also feelings of lack of desirability/ desire, potential reduction in confidence etc.)

Not everything is black and white, and fits into your neat little idea boxes about what everybody's life should look like.

CheesePleaseLoueese · 16/12/2020 09:29

@MerchantOfVenom

Well, there’s an unplanned pregnancy, so that’s what’s given rise to the idea that perhaps contraception wasn’t entirely sorted out.

Look, good luck OP. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

I hope so too. I'm sad you're lonely OP. I've been a single mum - it is hard and the pregnancy was the hardest bit.

Hope your friends are there for you. Enjoy your baby once he/she is here! x

Hillary111 · 16/12/2020 09:32

If you want some more comments this is now an article on the daily mail ...

BobsYerUnclee · 16/12/2020 09:50

@Wheresmykimchi Wouldn't discuss casual sex.

My other point was, if i was pregnant from a casual relationship, I wouldn't be looking for another. If I needed attention so desperately, I'd be soul searching to find out why that was.

Anotheruser02 · 16/12/2020 09:55

That's really not news worthy. Latoya Gayle is really not a journalist is she it's a copy and paste I'm embarrassed for her.

Thespidersweb · 16/12/2020 09:59

@Anotheruser02

That's really not news worthy. Latoya Gayle is really not a journalist is she it's a copy and paste I'm embarrassed for her.
Agreed!
Hillary111 · 16/12/2020 10:03

Lazy ‘journalism’

Grenlei · 16/12/2020 10:05

Looking for attention

Jesus what a patronising comment.

Would you tell someone pregnant with a partner to break it off because they are looking for attention by being in a relationship?!

I love how it's all those in long term relationships who like to spout off on threads like this all holier than thou. You got lucky in the relationship lottery, or you settled. Doesn't make you 'better' than the OP or entitled to preach to her/ be condescending about her situation.

SophiaUSA · 16/12/2020 10:27

Absolutely date and be upfront. So many reasons. It’ll be harder to date once you have a child; anybody with kids know that. There is no reason you shouldn’t have a personal life because you’re expecting a child, except misogyny and other dates notions of parenting and women’s lives. The dude is likely probably dating. But because it’s not his body with a child, he can? BS. And kudos to you for carrying the child, birthing the child, and raising the child while dating. You’re doing a heck of a lot more than that guy (no offense meant guy, just calling it); classic woman’s role in the world. Your genetic biology and sex don’t mean you have to exclude that section of life. And men will have the opportunity to accept or decline as you disclose. I hope you encounter some open minded people, and receive deserved socializing and closeness.
It makes no sense to conclude a baby will suffer when a mother has emotional or physical intimacy. If you had a current partner, you’d be having both. Be mature and treat yourself well by making healthy and positive choices and good luck!!

SallyCinnamonYoureMyWorld · 16/12/2020 10:31

@Anotheruser02

That's really not news worthy. Latoya Gayle is really not a journalist is she it's a copy and paste I'm embarrassed for her.
A lot of DM 'journalists', as they call themselves, start bogus threads on MN and then use the thread for their 'articles'. Just saying, that happens sometimes...
ReeseWitherfork · 16/12/2020 10:40

Hello mum and dad meet my new girlfriend. I met this six month pregnant lady last week she is a dream!!

This comment on the DM made me chuckle. It's not a valid point but a funny one. This is the stuff crappy romcoms are made out of.

Sandals19 · 16/12/2020 10:58

Have you had some bad experiences dating @Sandals19*? You seem to have a very negative view of the process.

Yes there can be stresses and disappointments associated with dating, but there can be lots of positives too.*

As I said at the beginning of my post - the saying threads, and independent threads about old on here show common experiences. My experience on old are consistent with those common experiences.

My concern would be that the chances of op having negative experiences are equal to or greater than the chances of having positive experiences ... On the whole. I have my doubts she'll find the genuine emotional support, caring and companionship she says she's looking for -without a lengthy and destabilising search. That's not what she needs progressing through a pregnancy and with a newborn, (esp since the father and she are not on communicative, pleasant terms; they don't get on at all according to op).

Sandals19 · 16/12/2020 11:00

Not everything is black and white, and fits into your neat little idea boxes about what everybody's life should look like.

Pot, kettle.

I don't think everybody's life should look like anything and am well aware much is a messy shot show ..
However I think op should take a time out from dating at this time; that's what op asked, that's what I've answered.

Sandals19 · 16/12/2020 11:00

*shit show, obviously

Sandals19 · 16/12/2020 11:03

Lazy lazy lazy, LaToya Gayle.

And you can't even get the main facts right - she hasn't split with the father. She was not "with" the father to split.

Norwester · 16/12/2020 11:16

I have not RTFT past the first page.

Nothing brings out the deepseated sexism on Mumsnet like a pregnant woman who wants to date or have sex with someone other than the father of the baby. These posters need to have a word with themselves.

You can sex if you'd like - I am sure you don't need to be told about safety-first.

Feeling sexy and desired while pregnant is a great thing, nothing to be ashamed of or worried about and certainly not discouraged.

Dating is fine, and no I don't think he needs to know before the first date. If you want to see him again, then yes, let him know.

The yuck factor is 100% about sexist attitudes to pregnant women.

Enjoy your life and your pregnancy and ignore the judginess.

Original poster
frabbit · 16/12/2020 12:13

Oh god, I can’t believe this has reached the Daily Fail.

I should really know better but I did start to read the comments on there. Apparently I should have had a termination because the only possible reason I could be continuing with a pregnancy as a single woman is for benefits and a house.

OP posts:
Original poster
frabbit · 16/12/2020 12:16

Oh, and I should be putting much more effort into my relationship with the father.

I haven’t had a message back from him in over a week. I’ve called, no answer. He’s currently spending his free time drinking with his pals and ignoring the fact that we’re in a pandemic and that I’m carrying his child. Whilst he’s said he wants to be involved, I’m not sure how much more effort I can really put in.

Again, really not sure why I even feel the need to justify myself but there we go.

Thanks again to those who have had kind words, it means a lot. I’ll update with how the date goes.

OP posts:
Bizawit · 16/12/2020 12:17

Oh god OP so sorry this has ended up in DM!!!

DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS. They'll be even worse than on here...

Original poster
frabbit · 16/12/2020 12:29

@Bizawit they really are! That’s enough of the internet for one day I think. Blush

OP posts:
Norwester · 16/12/2020 13:16

Told ya. Brings all the sexism out. Flowers

purpleboy · 16/12/2020 13:16

FRABBIT don't take it to heart. People are very quick to judge without knowing the full story.
I think it's entirely up to you what you do, I think you're going into this with your eyes open, and that's all that's required at this stage, maybe you'll enjoy dating, maybe you won't, it's your life to decide what you want from it.

Eryouwhat · 16/12/2020 15:52

STV v by