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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 17:20

There’s so much of this on this thread. The difference between friendships and dating isn’t just about sex. What about intimacy/ romance/ companionship (beyond what most friendships offer). I don’t think OP ruled out sex or a long term relationship, I think she just said that wasn’t her main priority / motivation for dating right now. And that’s totally intelligible in my view.

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 17:21

That was @LivingDeadGirlUK

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 17:29

@happystone

Bizawit I don’t know one person in live who thinks like this my daughter and her friends thinks it’s a wind up 18years old. There view gross why would anyone do that respect yourself more there now talking about it on zoom with collage tutor and class all there views very strong can not repeat here you would get your thong in a twist
Oh of course you are.

What a load of absolute nonsense you talk.

Thespidersweb · 15/12/2020 17:29

To be honest I couldn’t have imagined anything worse whilst I was pregnant with all mine..

Hated being pregnant and the last thing I would have wanted to do would be playing nice over dating chit chat. I was a dressing gown, slippers and hot water bottle lass

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/12/2020 17:31

I can't imagine there'd be many men who would date a pregnant woman.

Brunt0n · 15/12/2020 17:33

Obviously tell him. But no one should be meeting anyone new right now, you might have noticed this little pandemic going on?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 15/12/2020 17:36

@Bizawit

There’s so much of this on this thread. The difference between friendships and dating isn’t just about sex. What about intimacy/ romance/ companionship (beyond what most friendships offer). I don’t think OP ruled out sex or a long term relationship, I think she just said that wasn’t her main priority / motivation for dating right now. And that’s totally intelligible in my view.
I actually can totally understand if OP wants to have sex, its the 'dating' I don't understand. Intimacy/romance/companionship is a relationship in my mind, in the post I quoted OP has marked them as different. This is the bit I don't get. Its not that she is now a dedicated baby vessel and shouldn't be thinking of herself, but dating is a minefield at the best of times and its exhausting to think about doing that with a baby/newborn.
MerchantOfVenom · 15/12/2020 17:40

Obviously tell him. But no one should be meeting anyone new right now, you might have noticed this little pandemic going on?

Maybe, just maybe, the OP is somewhere that’s not so affected? She has said she’s in Scotland.

But equally, she could be somewhere where it’s completely under control and people are socialising as normal...

Bizawit · 15/12/2020 17:45

I think you can easily have romance without a relationship and companionship too. Im not sure why people are only emphasising the negative side of dating. It can also bring lots of good stuff too which could also be good for a mum to be/ new mums mental health / wellbeing and by extension the baby. Being a single mum can be lonely, not sure why abstaining from dating is being lauded as the default best option ? Maybe that works for some and not for others?

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 18:02

@Bizawit, I entirely agree.

I know some women suffer terribly with pregnancy symptoms and possibly don't feel like doing much, I was lucky in that I didn't. With my first I felt great, I gained very little weight, had no sickness or tiredness until about thr 7-8th month when a 3 hour daily commute started to get too much for me. I felt at least as good as before I was pregnant.

With my second, yes I was certainly more tired although by that point I had a partner so maybe that was part of the reason. But with the first, I wanted to go out and enjoy myself whether with friends or on a date. I understand that not everyone might feel able to do that, but if you can then why cloister yourself at home every night? Plenty of time for that once the baby arrives and the babysitting offers fail to materialise (voice of experience...all my friends wanted to look after my baby until I had one and presented with the reality they weren't keen. Which was fine but does show you can't rely too much on friends!).

I found that socialising with friends (and on dates) was good for my mental health. My friends were all out and doing things, if I'd stayed at home I would have been on my own and isolated. Far better to be out and about keeping my mind busy and occupied.

2ndAugust · 15/12/2020 18:21

Fuck. Enough judgement on this thread? Don’t feel you have to tell him before date 1, tell him if you plan on seeing him again. You don’t need to assess your priorities just to have dinner with a new man as you happen to be pregnant. Shocked at people’s opinions. You owe no one an explanation for being pregnant and for wanting to date, that’s utter bullshit.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 18:22

@Bizawit

I think you can easily have romance without a relationship and companionship too. Im not sure why people are only emphasising the negative side of dating. It can also bring lots of good stuff too which could also be good for a mum to be/ new mums mental health / wellbeing and by extension the baby. Being a single mum can be lonely, not sure why abstaining from dating is being lauded as the default best option ? Maybe that works for some and not for others?
I agree.
BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 18:22

Would it be gross to consider dating?

Entirely up to you but be upfront and honest about it. Its quite a major thing to keep quiet about and I'm sure you wouldn't like it if you dated a man only to find he had held back a major piece of info like that.

Bookworming · 15/12/2020 18:56

@happystone you are extremely rude and misogynistic. Your daughter would be better to study rather than discuss a mumsnet thread. Not that I believe that's true.

Your grasp of the English language is "interesting"

Slapper

Thong in a twist?

Hmmm

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 19:07

[quote Bookworming]@happystone you are extremely rude and misogynistic. Your daughter would be better to study rather than discuss a mumsnet thread. Not that I believe that's true.

Your grasp of the English language is "interesting"

Slapper

Thong in a twist?

Hmmm [/quote]
Amazing her spelling and understanding of those words and phrases is good and her language is fine on other threads and she works in a school (where she discusses these issues and her daughter discussed them on zoom at college )

But pulls the I don't understand card.

Magic.

FourPlatinumRings · 15/12/2020 19:12

Fuck. Enough judgement on this thread?

To be fair, OP did literally ask people to make a judgement. It shouldn't be surprising that people did.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 19:14

@FourPlatinumRings

Fuck. Enough judgement on this thread?

To be fair, OP did literally ask people to make a judgement. It shouldn't be surprising that people did.

Don't think she asked to be called a slapper.
Bookworming · 15/12/2020 19:17

@Wheresmykimchi and @happystone I've now looked at @happystone's threads..... perfect English, punctuation, tense everything!

What on Earth has happened on this thread @happystone ?

FourPlatinumRings · 15/12/2020 19:19

Don't think she asked to be called a slapper.

That's one person (and pretty much par for the course for AIBU). Though personal insults are not allowed, so if you report that comment it will be deleted, if it hasn't been already.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 19:30

I’m trying to advise that in OP position she needs to be finding solid people to lean on - not hit the dating scene.

This.

She might strike it lucky with a kind, supportive, solid man .... But the chances are that she won't, you don't need dating issues on top of all the pressures of a pregnancy and new baby.

It's also naive to think that people, men, their friends, their relatives etc won't judge a woman for having a child outside a relationship (and not even as the result of a previous relationship but fwb or repeated hookups by the sounds of it... And act accordingly.

Some poster's belief that it shouldn't be judged, doesnt mean it won't be by many people; and op would need to be aware of it when trying to date, instead of getting "go for it, my so and so met her delightful hubby while pregnant, it's all cool, it's a good idea etc"

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 19:37

Anyone who judges a woman for having a baby outside a relationship is a narrow minded bigot.

It's they who have the problem, not the OP.

If I was having a baby now, I'd want to have people around me who weren't small minded petty gossips, who wouldn't think I was somehow not as good as them because I was having a baby outside a relationship and (shock horror) because I might have had sex outside a relationship too.

But of course on MN where for many posters their DH is either the only person, or the last of a line of 2-3 people they have slept with, a woman who has had and enjoyed sex outwith the confines of a relationship of years duration is 'no better than she ought to be'

However there's then an interesting double standard when all those posters marriages eventually break down, and you see on the relationships thread they hit the dating scene in their 40s shagging anything in sight. Which is fine then because they've been married and had their children respectably Hmm

FourPlatinumRings · 15/12/2020 19:50

Anyone who judges a woman for having a baby outside a relationship is a narrow minded bigot.

Is anyone on this thread doing that? I thought it was about dating while pregnant. The majority seem to think it'sbetter if OP has the baby outside of a relationship.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 19:52

@Grenlei

Anyone who judges a woman for having a baby outside a relationship is a narrow minded bigot.

It's they who have the problem, not the OP.

If I was having a baby now, I'd want to have people around me who weren't small minded petty gossips, who wouldn't think I was somehow not as good as them because I was having a baby outside a relationship and (shock horror) because I might have had sex outside a relationship too.

But of course on MN where for many posters their DH is either the only person, or the last of a line of 2-3 people they have slept with, a woman who has had and enjoyed sex outwith the confines of a relationship of years duration is 'no better than she ought to be'

However there's then an interesting double standard when all those posters marriages eventually break down, and you see on the relationships thread they hit the dating scene in their 40s shagging anything in sight. Which is fine then because they've been married and had their children respectably Hmm

In fairness that isn't what's happened here. OP was repeatedly told to just have a shag and not get into a relationship as men are all predators for her unborn baby.

Then she got a pasting for considering that.

OP only asked about coffee Grin