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Original poster

To date when pregnant?

562 replies

frabbit · 14/12/2020 19:36

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

OP posts:
happystone · 15/12/2020 21:25

Bookeorming i have never talked to you stop saying all this flapper stuff going now this is crazy

MerchantOfVenom · 15/12/2020 21:26

@Grenlei

Merchant, I've been around on MN for well over a decade, I've seen plenty of threads where the newly divorced/ separated are happily shagging around.

Which is fine, of course, anyone male or female can have sex with as many consenting adults as they like, as often as they like. But it's a complete double standard for posters then to be quite unpleasant towards the OP for both having had sex outside a relationship and conceived a child, and then to be considering some form of dating while pregnant, as though the whole idea of sex outside a relationship is not something that 'nice people' or anyone they might ever come into contact with, might do.

I notice you’ve skated right over the ‘all relationships eventually breaking down’ pick-up of mine, but OK.

It’s a bit of a leap to assume the post 40s shaggers were also the ones pearl-clutching beforehand. Maybe it’s different people, and there’s no double standard at all.

As I say, just comes across as very chippy.

Bookworming · 15/12/2020 21:27

Bookeorming i have never talked to you stop saying all this flapper stuff going now this is crazy

This is a website where anyone can join in, who made you the mumsnet police?

If you want to go, then go, but stop all this "wow is me", you called the OP a slapper and that is vile

Bookworming · 15/12/2020 21:28

"Woe is me"

Grenlei · 15/12/2020 21:31

I didn't say all relationships break down, but a fair number do. However wonderful the husband or partner may have seemed at the outset.

I'm not going to apologise for calling out a double standard or unpleasant posts which have themselves been pretty (unnecessarily) chippy and insulting to the OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 21:35

@happystone

Bookeorming i have never talked to you stop saying all this flapper stuff going now this is crazy
You know this isn't an in person conversation right? So people can read back everything you've said in black and white, whoever you tagged in a post? So everyone can see you calling OP a slapper. Which is why various people have challenged you on it. Then you said people shouldn't be rude, so people reminded you that youd called OP a slapper. And you haven't had the grace to apologise. You just rant incoherently and ask others to be polite when you've been so rude. What an odd person.
Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 21:40

Some people do seem to make life complicated for themselves. And other people for that matter.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 22:06

Judgy judgy judgy.

Yes, people judge.

Other posters have already questioned your belief that your own situation is common, I agree with them, it's not that common.

Someone who has a child from a casual sexual relationship that they describe themselves as single while having - man or woman - will be judged.

Many people will be thinking "if it's only for sex or companionship, if it's a casual non relationship; why didn't you sort your contraception out. A relationship and family breaking down is one thing, not even being in a relationship with the person you impregnated/got impregnated by is another" etc etc. As above most people I know would equally apply that to men and women.

There are reasons (not all unreasonable) ax to why people feel that way. All if them will of course be foolish and irrelevant to you, and argued against vociferously with whataboutery, but they are factors nonetheless.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:09

@happystone , I'm genuinely starting to worry about you. You called the OP a slapper , made vile comments then told us that you and your colleagues and your daughter and her pals all discussed it and agreed how disgusting OP is.

And now you're just sending strange comments to PP and throwing out the racist card when people are genuinely confused by your ramblings.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:12

@Sandals19

Judgy judgy judgy.

Yes, people judge.

Other posters have already questioned your belief that your own situation is common, I agree with them, it's not that common.

Someone who has a child from a casual sexual relationship that they describe themselves as single while having - man or woman - will be judged.

Many people will be thinking "if it's only for sex or companionship, if it's a casual non relationship; why didn't you sort your contraception out. A relationship and family breaking down is one thing, not even being in a relationship with the person you impregnated/got impregnated by is another" etc etc. As above most people I know would equally apply that to men and women.

There are reasons (not all unreasonable) ax to why people feel that way. All if them will of course be foolish and irrelevant to you, and argued against vociferously with whataboutery, but they are factors nonetheless.

I can honestly say I have never looked at a pregnant single woman and said oooh if that was just for sex why didn't you sort out your contraception.

Partly because I'm not that nasty and partly because I live in the real world.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 22:16

... as though the whole idea of sex outside a relationship is not something that 'nice people' or anyone they might ever come into contact with, might do.

Its not about the sex, which is obvious if you weren't getting carried away with yourself ... People can fuck themselves into senseless in as many different combinations as they like as far as I'm concerned ... But FFS sort your contraception and don't drag children into it.
And if you do and are pregnant or hog someone pregnant, maybe take a time out from the merry go round for a bit .. for your own sake as much as your child and everyone else's.

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 22:20

I can honestly say I have never looked at a pregnant single woman and said oooh if that was just for sex why didn't you sort out your contraception.

How the fk would you know, "looking at a pregnant woman", what the circumstances of the pregnancy were??!!!

I know what most people's reactions are to any unplanned pregnancies in "non relationships " I've seen and it's generally been "what a fkn mess". Said privately of course.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:22

@Sandals19

I can honestly say I have never looked at a pregnant single woman and said oooh if that was just for sex why didn't you sort out your contraception.

How the fk would you know, "looking at a pregnant woman", what the circumstances of the pregnancy were??!!!

I know what most people's reactions are to any unplanned pregnancies in "non relationships " I've seen and it's generally been "what a fkn mess". Said privately of course.

OK, let's assumed they'd too me

Wow. I hope none of these people were friends of yours. What an awful way to live. I'm sure people in that situation really appreciate people telling them it's a mess. I'm sure that really helps.

BobsYerUnclee · 15/12/2020 22:23

@Wheresmykimchi

if you read my comments, they aren't vile. You're clearly pissed off you got the wrong person. The tone of the OP's post made it sound like she was interested in casual sex. I said it's nasty. You seem to have taken the huff at everyone who disagrees with you. Do fuck off

Sandals19 · 15/12/2020 22:25

Partly because I'm not that nasty

Someone had to be nasty to be to think an unplanned pregnancy in a casual sexual relationship between two people who consider themselves single (in many cases with the decision to continue the pregnancy being the mother's and the father being reluctant, resentful, with a "do the minimum" attitude (and the child likely to be treated considerably differently from children he has later in a relationship through no fault of their own) .... is far from ideal?

and partly because I live in the real world.

You clearly don't if you think many men will not see op as relationship material. Which is why dating for support, caring and companionship from a bloke right now is a shit idea.

BobsYerUnclee · 15/12/2020 22:26

@Wheresmykimchi And please don't categorise me with that other imbecile. I wouldn't use such a derogatory word towards another woman.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:26

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi

if you read my comments, they aren't vile. You're clearly pissed off you got the wrong person. The tone of the OP's post made it sound like she was interested in casual sex. I said it's nasty. You seem to have taken the huff at everyone who disagrees with you. Do fuck off [/quote]
I didn't get the wrong person.

You made the vibrator comment no?

I don't take the huff , I'm not five. And I won't fuck off just because you've told me to .

Thanks for your input though.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:28

@Sandals19

Partly because I'm not that nasty

Someone had to be nasty to be to think an unplanned pregnancy in a casual sexual relationship between two people who consider themselves single (in many cases with the decision to continue the pregnancy being the mother's and the father being reluctant, resentful, with a "do the minimum" attitude (and the child likely to be treated considerably differently from children he has later in a relationship through no fault of their own) .... is far from ideal?

and partly because I live in the real world.

You clearly don't if you think many men will not see op as relationship material. Which is why dating for support, caring and companionship from a bloke right now is a shit idea.

These are really outdated views. The child would hopefully know they were unplanned and the world is full of blended families now. Far more common than married mum and dad with their 2.4. I don't think it's the best idea ever , but I don't think that criticising her for choices she has already made and can do nothing about is far from helpful , and a bit nasty.
BobsYerUnclee · 15/12/2020 22:32

@Wheresmykimchi What fucking planet do you live on? Sure, let's all tell the kids they were unplanned. Honestly, the mind boggles. Absolutely anything to support your ridiculous views.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:33

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi What fucking planet do you live on? Sure, let's all tell the kids they were unplanned. Honestly, the mind boggles. Absolutely anything to support your ridiculous views. [/quote]
Quick question. Can you read ?

MerchantOfVenom · 15/12/2020 22:33

I’m with @Sandals19 - have all the casual sex you want, I certainly did when I was young and responsibility-free.

But sort out your contraception.

Otherwise you’re going to be the one dealing with potential self-esteem, mental health, anxiety, etc, issues when your child gets older.

There’s a reason most people generally try to bring children into as stable a set-up as possible, as it tends to result in the best outcomes for young people.

You can make life easy on yourself, or you can make life damn hard on yourself. And you can make life damn hard on your kid, as well.

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:34

Ohhh my apologies @BobsYerUnclee and also @Sandals19 . My comment should have said the child would hopefully NOT know they are unplanned , in clear response to the comment made.

Oopsy. Blush

Wheresmykimchi · 15/12/2020 22:35

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi What fucking planet do you live on? Sure, let's all tell the kids they were unplanned. Honestly, the mind boggles. Absolutely anything to support your ridiculous views. [/quote]
I don't really know what's ridiculous about my views though. That calling women slappers and to use a vibrator if they need to isn't really on and daring to suggest OP might need some support even though dating maybe isn't the right thing? Can you point out what's ridiculous in there @BobsYourUnclee?

BobsYerUnclee · 15/12/2020 22:36

@MerchantOfVenom

I’m with *@Sandals19* - have all the casual sex you want, I certainly did when I was young and responsibility-free.

But sort out your contraception.

Otherwise you’re going to be the one dealing with potential self-esteem, mental health, anxiety, etc, issues when your child gets older.

There’s a reason most people generally try to bring children into as stable a set-up as possible, as it tends to result in the best outcomes for young people.

You can make life easy on yourself, or you can make life damn hard on yourself. And you can make life damn hard on your kid, as well.

Agree 100%.
Babyg1995 · 15/12/2020 22:37

It's up to you op whether you date or not while pregnant .
Like young found myself single while pregnant with my first child a guy I knew asked me out on a date and I did go( he knew I was pregnant when he asked ) it was a nice meal out this was years ago now ended the evening early as I was tired but next day I decided not to see him again it wasnt the right time for dating at all for me anyway .