To date when pregnant?

[frabbit]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant, single. Father of baby wants to be involved with baby but that’s as far as things go. We don’t see each other outside of scans and appointments, and we barely talk at the moment.

Would it be gross to consider dating? Not looking for financial support or a baby daddy, genuinely just missing the support and companionship, maybe even the attention, of a dating partner. Obviously would be taking things slow. I’ve been chatting to someone and he’s asked me out on a date. If I do go, do I tell him beforehand that I’m pregnant? Or wait to see how the date goes?

What’s the general consensus?

Like you *

I'm sure people in that situation really appreciate people telling them it's a mess. I'm sure that really helps.

Do you actually read posts?

Said privately of course.

I hope none of these people were friends of yours.

As I've said above, contrary to the convenient belief of the posters in this thread who've done this; it's unusual. The only people I know of who've had children by men with whom they were in "non relationships" are an ex friend of a friend who got pregnant by her (school) mate's boyfriend, became a young single mum and has continued her career specialising in shagging attached men from teens to currently 40s. Age had entered a male dominated, insular profession known for extra marital affairs, which has kept her busy as far as I'm aware.

The other, the daughter of my sister's ex mate; who got pregnant and continued the pregnancy from a one night stand, she had to track down the father from what little she knew about him. My sister more or less fell out with the mum so I don't know how it panned out.

(I do know a sister of a school friend who fell pregnant from a ons with her ex boyfriend. They had previously been in a reasonably long relationship so different. They tried to get back together and make a family but broke up after a while).

I'm aware of what all their friends, relatives etc thought of the first two situations .. no matter how they acted towards the parents to be.

@Wheresmykimchi I think when you've not long conceived to a partner who you were casually dating, the focus shouldn't be on dating someone else....

I've said it before, if I needed the attention so much I'd be doing some soul searching to find out why.

We don't talk about casual sex when dating. It's beyond grim.

@Sandals19

I'm sure people in that situation really appreciate people telling them it's a mess. I'm sure that really helps.

Do you actually read posts?

Said privately of course.

I hope none of these people were friends of yours.

As I've said above, contrary to the convenient belief of the posters in this thread who've done this; it's unusual. The only people I know of who've had children by men with whom they were in "non relationships" are an ex friend of a friend who got pregnant by her (school) mate's boyfriend, became a young single mum and has continued her career specialising in shagging attached men from teens to currently 40s. Age had entered a male dominated, insular profession known for extra marital affairs, which has kept her busy as far as I'm aware.

The other, the daughter of my sister's ex mate; who got pregnant and continued the pregnancy from a one night stand, she had to track down the father from what little she knew about him. My sister more or less fell out with the mum so I don't know how it panned out.

(I do know a sister of a school friend who fell pregnant from a ons with her ex boyfriend. They had previously been in a reasonably long relationship so different. They tried to get back together and make a family but broke up after a while).

I'm aware of what all their friends, relatives etc thought of the first two situations .. no matter how they acted towards the parents to be.

But bitching behind their backs is no better. I just wouldn't judge my friend and call it a mess behind her back or otherwise.

These things happen.

I wouldn't encourage them, but once they're done , I don't think there's any point in sticking the boot in.

I don't see how anyone has the right to judge in this situation, nor should they. Really what is the difference between the OP's situation, a single woman using donor sperm, and a woman getting pregnant (unplanned) in a relationship and the dad deciding he doesn't want any part of it? In 2 of those cases there will be no dad involved, at all. Are they all worthy of judgmental hand wringing and saying 'what a mess' too?

What about same sex parents - I know several who have children born through donor sperm etc, is that also a mess because there's no dad on the scene?!

Honestly, as someone who was kind of where the OP is 20ish years ago, it saddens me that these attitudes that I encountered then still even exist. Let alone in women even younger than me! If you met me and knew my life, the last thing you'd think was what a mess. I have a successful career, own my own home and am financially secure. When I was single I found that men were put off by my financial position, career and intelligence. The fact I had a child outside a relationship was never a consideration. Funny that!

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi I think when you've not long conceived to a partner who you were casually dating, the focus shouldn't be on dating someone else....

I've said it before, if I needed the attention so much I'd be doing some soul searching to find out why.

We don't talk about casual sex when dating. It's beyond grim. [/quote]
OP didn't talk about casual sex. PP did.

@Wheresmykimchi Also said we wouldn't discuss it...

@Grenlei

I don't see how anyone has the right to judge in this situation, nor should they. Really what is the difference between the OP's situation, a single woman using donor sperm, and a woman getting pregnant (unplanned) in a relationship and the dad deciding he doesn't want any part of it? In 2 of those cases there will be no dad involved, at all. Are they all worthy of judgmental hand wringing and saying 'what a mess' too?

What about same sex parents - I know several who have children born through donor sperm etc, is that also a mess because there's no dad on the scene?!

Honestly, as someone who was kind of where the OP is 20ish years ago, it saddens me that these attitudes that I encountered then still even exist. Let alone in women even younger than me! If you met me and knew my life, the last thing you'd think was what a mess. I have a successful career, own my own home and am financially secure. When I was single I found that men were put off by my financial position, career and intelligence. The fact I had a child outside a relationship was never a consideration. Funny that!

Or....

A woman having a child with someone who is a feckless dad as we see day in day out on these threads. Only difference there is they're still a couple and OP isn't , and they chose to and she didn't !

[quote BobsYerUnclee]@Wheresmykimchi Also said we wouldn't discuss it...[/quote]
Wouldn't discuss what sorry?

Op - perhaps a controversial opinion here, but:
I think you should do whatever makes you happy! If you want to get to know somebody else and have enough time to give this person, then I say go for it!
I would certainly advise to let them know though, that you are pregnant.
That way they don't have any shock surprises, and you know that they've gone into this will full knowledge of your situation :)

Best of luck!

Wheresmykimchi yes, all those waste of space dads who can't/ won't do anything to care for their own child or the house they live in. But those women are still in a relationship, however bad, so apparently they're less of a mess than the OP!

are you drunk @happystone ? Or...what the fuck

Really what is the difference between the OP's situation, a single woman using donor sperm, and a woman getting pregnant (unplanned) in a relationship and the dad deciding he doesn't want any part of it?

Hardly the same, if someone’s looking around to take stock of their situation, and then making a conscious decision to get pregnant, because they know they have the support and means to do their best by their child.

It’s not the absence of a decent father, per se, that’s the issue here.

NRTFT but I say go and have fun, it you feel you want to see him again tell him.

A woman having a child with someone who is a feckless dad as we see day in day out on these threads. Only difference there is they're still a couple and OP isn't , and they chose to and she didn'

Far wiser to be a single mother than tied to a feckless partner. Far better for a child to grow up from birth knowing nothing else but two households, than being in one household with a gauge power imbalance between the parents

@GlummyMcGlummerson

A woman having a child with someone who is a feckless dad as we see day in day out on these threads. Only difference there is they're still a couple and OP isn't , and they chose to and she didn'

Far wiser to be a single mother than tied to a feckless partner. Far better for a child to grow up from birth knowing nothing else but two households, than being in one household with a gauge power imbalance between the parents

Exactly.

@Grenlei

Wheresmykimchi yes, all those waste of space dads who can't/ won't do anything to care for their own child or the house they live in. But those women are still in a relationship, however bad, so apparently they're less of a mess than the OP!

I know. Weird eh . Especially given the amount of posts that trash op for 'needing a man"

Getting a bit confused now at the assumptions that I ‘didn’t have any contraception sorted out’ and that I’ve decided to keep the baby against the fathers wishes. He wasn’t a one night stand that I had to track down. I’d known him for a long time, and when I did tell him about the pregnancy, he seemed excited about being a dad and didn’t want to discuss any option other than keeping it, as did I. He is still involved, we just aren’t together.

Again, not sure how it’s really relevant to the question at hand.

Well, there’s an unplanned pregnancy, so that’s what’s given rise to the idea that perhaps contraception wasn’t entirely sorted out.

Look, good luck OP. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Far wiser to be a single mother than tied to a feckless partner. Far better for a child to grow up from birth knowing nothing else but two households, than being in one household with a gauge power imbalance between the parents

Has any one said other wise

I wouldn't encourage them, but once they're done , I don't think there's any point in sticking the boot in.

Saying op should take time out for her own and her baby's sake; instead of going back on the dating scene (having fallen pregnant unplanned in a casual, fwb, non relationship in which, despite having known him a long time, there is no now contact or support other than attendance at scans ) is not sticking the boot in.

Quite ironic that you're on here arguing when posters like myself are saying exactly what you've said here "I wouldn't encourage them" ...

I wouldn't encourage anyone to do what she's done (sex in Fwb without several firms of contraception) but as you say it's a fair accompli and there will be a baby born in not too long, which is mostly why i wouldn't encourage op to do the same thing again!

Dating casually is likely to involve sex sooner or later. Even if it doesn't I worry op is looking for support, caring and company in the wrong place. A place she's more likely to be let down than not, sooner or later.

All the dating threads on here outline repeated, consistent experiences of men messing around and behaving badly, finding a decent, genuine man often takes extensive, quite long-term searching : with a great deal of "kissing frogs" along the way. To continue with it requires the hide of a rhino, a high level of self preservation and emotional robustness.
That's usually in situations where the woman doesn't even have the added complications of a pregnancy and then new baby.

Personally I think op should swerve it for a while.

Getting a bit confused now at the assumptions that I ‘didn’t have any contraception sorted out’ and that I’ve decided to keep the baby against the fathers wishes. He wasn’t a one night stand that I had to track down. I’d known him for a long time, and when I did tell him about the pregnancy, he seemed excited about being a dad and didn’t want to discuss any option other than keeping it, as did I. He is still involved, we just aren’t together.

If it's my post you're referring to; the discussion had ranged all over the general subject of unplanned pregnancies in "non relationships" and posters are discussing general points about scenarios, including ones they know of. It's not necessarily about your particular scenario, if you get me.

I was aware from a previous post that you had a fwb (?) with the father of your baby, not a ons. I was responding to the poster who enquired if the people in the scenarios I referred to were friends or if I/anyone else expressed our thoughts about their situations directly to them.

@MerchantOfVenom

Well, there’s an unplanned pregnancy, so that’s what’s given rise to the idea that perhaps contraception wasn’t entirely sorted out.

Look, good luck OP. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

Also, this.

OP I think it's great that the father wants to be involved. Not everything can be happy and perfect families. I was the product of a one night stand and my father didn't want to know and still doesn't. Fortunately for me my mum was a fabulous mum who didn't listen to judgemental cows who don't know anything :)

Re. the dating - if it is something you want to do, aslong as you are honest and upfront with any potential suitors, I don't see the harm. Good luck with your pregnancy and future.