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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
yeOldeTrout · 14/12/2020 19:36

I wouldn't condemn you.
Do need to have it out with her first. Properly frankly tell her how strongly you feel. You'll have a healthier relationship for being honest with her.

Devon1987 · 14/12/2020 19:37

Tell her to pack her bags and go back to uni. If she can’t afford you some respect in your home then she is not welcome. You have tried to have a conversation about it and she won’t entertain it. My mum would of took my head off my shoulders if I spoke to her in that way. Also encouraging her own under age brother to drink is disgusting behaviour l.

Waveysnail · 14/12/2020 19:39

Crikey. Wheres the hatred coming from

heydoggee · 14/12/2020 19:40

You need to have a conversation with your daughter.

I admit that won't be easy if she has so little respect for you that she calls you a cunt.

But this is one of those 'rise above it' moments where you show her how to behave sensibly and with dignity.

Tell her you will not tolerate being called a cunt or told you fuck off in your own home. Reiterate the absolute rule that she should not be giving your DS alcohol.

Ask her what you should do if she has so little respect for you that she continues to call you these names.

Bluegreen70 · 14/12/2020 19:41

Something has gone very badly wrong. I wouldn't recommend pushing her away at this stage of her life. It might never be undoable. Make sure she knows you love her loads, and that her behaviour is upsetting you

00100001 · 14/12/2020 19:43

Bloody hell

What was she like before university?

Atalune · 14/12/2020 19:43

Is this new behaviour????

I would flip my lid if my child called me a cunt. I can’t even....

Original poster
kikot · 14/12/2020 19:44

I tried to speak to her as I was worried that she has been struggling at university but she made it very clear that she was not interested in speaking to me about it before being deliberately hurtful.

OP posts:
Motnight · 14/12/2020 19:44

Op I think that your dd is having a hard time at university. She has absolutely no right to behave in the way that she is, but I think that there's a reason behind it.

My dd was appallingly behaved in her first visit home from University. Turns out she was really struggling.

Good luck in trying to find out what's wrong.

Squigglypig2 · 14/12/2020 19:44

YANBU. If you've given her the chance to explain her behaviour and she's being this rude and disrespectful then tell her to go back. She's an adult and needs to know she can't treat you like that, or indeed anyone. There may well be something that has triggered the anger but you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Llamapolice · 14/12/2020 19:46

Something has gone very wrong if this has come out of nowhere. I would be worried about what has gone on at uni, I don't think you should send her back because it's clearly not a healthy place for her.

CoolCatTaco · 14/12/2020 19:46

Do you normally have a fractious relationship or is this a huge change in her behaviour? She's behaving appalling but I'd be worried that something's happened to her, or she's not coping at Uni.

PersonaNonGarter · 14/12/2020 19:47

YANBU. Does she have somewhere else like grandparent or good friend she can go to? Maybe see if she can go there for a few days to cool off.

You need to look out for your younger children.

BelleSausage · 14/12/2020 19:47

You need to draw some boundaries.

Try to talk and if she coming back with obscene language then keep repeating ‘why are your being so rude to me?’ And ‘Do you understand how unkind you sound?’ Really stick up for yourself. Would you let anyone in the world speak to you like that? If the answer is no then don’t let her either.

Write down everything she has said to you in the past week and read it back to her. She might not understand how she is coming across- lots of teens react in the moment and cannot be at all self reflective.

I wouldn’t just throw her out. But I would give an ultimatum- either sit down and talk through her entirely inappropriate emotional responses or leave. You really need to demonstrate to the 13 year old that you are the balanced and reasonable one.

What ever you do- do not be drawn into a shouting match. Be calm and consistent (however impossible that may seem at the time).

CoronaIsWatching · 14/12/2020 19:48

Yep throw her out, if she refuses call the police.

billybagpuss · 14/12/2020 19:48

Is it her first year? Mine found it difficult after the first term, but nothing like that level of vitriol.

Is she still financially dependent on you?

Ericaequites · 14/12/2020 19:49

If I had said that to my mother, I would have no teeth left. If your uni attending daughter won’t respect you or her father, she can’t stay. Don’t accept this behavior.

Original poster
kikot · 14/12/2020 19:49

She has in the past thrown tantrums when she didn't get her own way but nothing as bad as this.

OP posts:
MiriamMargo · 14/12/2020 19:49

Surely this is a joke ! !

What on earth are you doing asking for advice, its simple, pack her bags and chuck the ignorant, selfish, hateful little madam out !

Hardbackwriter · 14/12/2020 19:51

When you say she seems like a different person - was she a bit like this before but it's escalated now, or is this a total change? If it's the latter then I think you have to consider whether she's had a mental health crisis or similar at university.

oldperson1 · 14/12/2020 19:51

Think you and her dad need to sit her down for a serious conversation before sending her on her way if this is a new thing maybe she isn’t coping at uni and taking out on both of you. Can you ask your 13 year old if she has confided anything to him.
Sorry you’re going through this

FTMF30 · 14/12/2020 19:52

Have you asked DS if anything is going on with her? Something must have happened.

I'd also be concerned about how this affects DS. It's terrible him seeing this as an example of how to treat you.

user1487194234 · 14/12/2020 19:52

There's something wrong
Sending her away will not help
Is there someone in the wider family who could intercede

BelleSausage · 14/12/2020 19:53

It’s up to you. But whatever you do, don’t just lose your rag and tell her to go. Plan the conversation. Give her advanced warning about how you feel so she has time to take in what you might say.

If you tell her go on the spur of the moment then it will be a massive drama rather than a discussion.

EckhartLolly · 14/12/2020 19:53

I think you should explain to her that if she can't be polite and considerate she should go back to uni but also try and let her know you're concerned about where the change in behaviour is coming from. Don't burn any bridges but also you need to maintain some boundaries.