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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my daughter to go back to university tomorrow

348 replies

kikot · 14/12/2020 19:34

My daughter came home from university a week ago and it is like she has morphed into a different person and feel at the end of my tether with her. She has been absolutely vile to both myself and DH for the whole period she has been here. She has consistently left a mess in the kitchen and when I asked that she cleans up after herself she told me to fuck off and that she will do what she wants. She has also been playing music really late at night and when I asked her to turn it down as me and DH were trying to sleep I was told to fuck off again. She has also regularly insulted me in conversations particularly to ds (13).

I did try to speak with her on Saturday to see if everything was ok but she slapped that down. She said if she did have a problem she certainly wouldn't tell me and that she is only here to see her brother.

Although tonight I'm really annoyed as I have found her and ds drinking in her bedroom. She knows he is not allowed to drink as he is only 13 but I found them both in her room watching a film with some beers that she has gone out and bought. When I confronted them she became aggressive, called me a cunt and told ds that he should pay no attention to me.

She was meant to be here until early January but I don't feel that I can endure her in the house whilst she behaves in this way and she seems to be looking for ways to upset me and her dad. The only person she is being nice to is her brother. I feel like telling her that tomorrow she needs to return to her university halls as I don't feel that I can put up with this for another 3 weeks.

OP posts:
ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 14/12/2020 20:44

Op mentioned course is economics, so she might’ve been alone a lot

TheOriginalNutty · 14/12/2020 20:44

Has she ever had any mental health issues ??

I ask as this sounds exactly like my eldest dd this time last year. She has a couple of mental health conditions and was unbeknownst to me off her meds.

Just something to consider.

That being said, of her behaviour is impacting your ds and becoming intolerable then I wouldn't blame you for asking her to return to uni. Maybe inform the uni of your concerns. They won't be able to speak to you about her but you can let them know you're worried.

Spudina · 14/12/2020 20:45

What a horrid situation. I also think something has happened. There is a risk that if you throw her out, at Christmas it may do irreparable damage to your relationship. Are you prepared for that? I too was kicked out and I’ve never forgotten it. It really needs to be a last resort. But you also have a right not to be abused in your own home, so there has to be some boundaries. I hope you get it sorted.

ListeningQuietly · 14/12/2020 20:45

I love the pearl clutching
drugs ...... Which ones - they are not all the same you know Hmm

Giving a 13 year old a drink
Oh do get over yourselves - its not the end of the world

If the OP kicks her daughter out for something frankly as trivial as a bit of swearing
into a locked down, empty hall of residence
she would be a bad parent
at her child's time of need

SilverBirchWithout · 14/12/2020 20:46

I agree smallgoon and a first time poster

ScalpHelp · 14/12/2020 20:47

Why did she even come home?

I dislike my parents too, but I stayed at uni during all my holidays! (I had a job and flatmates who stayed over too)

HollowTalk · 14/12/2020 20:47

Something is obviously going on. It's really hard for you, OP, and I feel for you. I'd stamp down on her encouraging your son to drink. I wouldn't throw her out unless I was absolutely sure it was just a bad attitude and not a reaction to something awful that had happened.

livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 20:47

Giving a 13 year old a drink
Oh do get over yourselves - its not the end of the world

I am inclined to agree I don’t think as a one off and not to excess it’s anything to get too upset about

ListeningQuietly · 14/12/2020 20:51

@ScalpHelp

Why did she even come home?

I dislike my parents too, but I stayed at uni during all my holidays! (I had a job and flatmates who stayed over too)

Because the Universities have all locked down bubbles over Christmas. No parties, no events, no socialising. Have you nor READ the news?
bevelino · 14/12/2020 20:52

@BelleSausage

It’s up to you. But whatever you do, don’t just lose your rag and tell her to go. Plan the conversation. Give her advanced warning about how you feel so she has time to take in what you might say.

If you tell her go on the spur of the moment then it will be a massive drama rather than a discussion.

This

@BelleSausage is giving sound advice. What a madam.

mbosnz · 14/12/2020 20:52

Um, as a person who had drinking normalised and validated at a very young age by far too many people, who used and encouraged me to abuse alcohol, I do think it's a big deal. Especially when the drinking is being encouraged and enabled by a volatile older child for their own reasons.

I won't be verbally abused in my house by anybody. I won't allow anybody else to be verbally abused in my house either. Not my son, not my husband. . .

I'd be giving my daughter the opportunity to explain her behaviour, and the knowledge that whatever has happened, these behaviours change, including playing music anti-socially loudly knowing bloody well you're negatively impacting on your family members. But regardless of the reasons, these behaviours cease and desist, or you will be leaving home sooner rather than later, even if I have to pay for a room for you in a cheap hotel chain, which would be a shame, because I'm sure that's the last thing she wants after her time in the halls of residence this year. .

VivaMiltonKeynes · 14/12/2020 20:53

What is her father saying in all of this ?

5zeds · 14/12/2020 20:54

I would be furious about the drinking and would insist they don’t spend time together in their rooms because she’s using him to get at you. Performance destructive behaviour SadSad

jambeforeclottedcream · 14/12/2020 20:54

I agree with pp there is definitely something going on. I wouldn't kick her out just yet but maybe read her the riot act. And say the behaviour can't continue. And try to get to the bottom of it. Maybe ds might be able to help a little.

think the move back from uni after the first term can be really unsetting. They go from no rules to home rules again and that transition is hard.

Agree. That first time home for Christmas when I was at uni was weird. Felt like a guest in my own home.

LowlandLucky · 14/12/2020 20:55

I can't believe this young woman is still under your roof.

NewYearNewPlumbing · 14/12/2020 20:55

If you have tried a couple of times, and she is taking it out in you, maybe get her Dad to speak with her? And find out what on earth is going on.

00100001 · 14/12/2020 20:56

@MulledGin

Yes there might be something wrong but she's an adult Throw her out
Harsh. You'd really chuck your child out of your house when they had a drastic and sudden change in behaviour?

You wouldn't bother to find out what had caused this or help them. You'd tell them to fuck off..?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/12/2020 20:56

@Bluegreen70

Something has gone very badly wrong. I wouldn't recommend pushing her away at this stage of her life. It might never be undoable. Make sure she knows you love her loads, and that her behaviour is upsetting you
Agree with this. With a sudden personality change, I would be worried about mental illness, or that she has experienced sexual assault (very common for female students, sadly) or has a drug/alcohol problem.

You should absolutely be firm about acceptable behaviour, but don't tell her to go.

livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 20:56

encouraged me to abuse alcoho

I’m sorry for what you went through but being absolutely clear there is no evidence of alcohol abuse here just 2 siblings having a bit to drink while watching some films the op can parent how she wishes but in my opinion she is making a mountain out of a molehill over ,when done responsibly, a very trivial issue. Obviously alcohol abuse is a very different issue.

altiara · 14/12/2020 20:56

Giving a 13 year old a drink
Oh do get over yourselves - its not the end of the world

I am inclined to agree I don’t think as a one off and not to excess it’s anything to get too upset about

Agreed if it was a one off. But my gut feeling from what I’ve read, I’d be more likely to imagine this girl getting her brother drunk to spite her mother.

OP, how does she treat her dad?

Wandafishcake · 14/12/2020 20:57

Hmm something not right here?
Why is she being so vile to you?
Is this new behaviour?
She is practically an adult, this isn’t just teen behaviour.
There must be something quite seriously wrong in your relationship with her, or something bothering her.

livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 20:58

@5zeds

I would be furious about the drinking and would insist they don’t spend time together in their rooms because she’s using him to get at you. Performance destructive behaviour SadSad
I’m sorry but that would be taking a hydrolic drill to crack a chestnut
livevomitlaugh · 14/12/2020 20:59

@altiara

Giving a 13 year old a drink Oh do get over yourselves - its not the end of the world

I am inclined to agree I don’t think as a one off and not to excess it’s anything to get too upset about

Agreed if it was a one off. But my gut feeling from what I’ve read, I’d be more likely to imagine this girl getting her brother drunk to spite her mother.

OP, how does she treat her dad?

While that isn’t beyond the realms of possibilities (and would be a very different issue) that isn’t what the op says here so we can’t take that as a given
caringcarer · 14/12/2020 21:00

I would not tolerate that kind of talk to me in my own home. I would tell her she is on her final chance and if this behaviour continues she leaves your home. I would tell her she will be welcome back when she gets a civil tongue in her head. She is setting a dreadful example to her younger brother. Is he not appalled at how she is speaking to you? I would be telling her shut up or ship out. Having problems at uni is no excuse to be so nasty to you. What on earth does your dh say about it? I know mine would not tolerate it any more than I would.

mbosnz · 14/12/2020 21:01

@livevomitlaugh

encouraged me to abuse alcoho

I’m sorry for what you went through but being absolutely clear there is no evidence of alcohol abuse here just 2 siblings having a bit to drink while watching some films the op can parent how she wishes but in my opinion she is making a mountain out of a molehill over ,when done responsibly, a very trivial issue. Obviously alcohol abuse is a very different issue.

There is a reason why parents and guardians are allowed to permit use of alcohol by a minor, and nobody else, and that includes clearly troubled older siblings. She is not responsible, she does not have a duty of care. Just because she's a bit upset with life at the moment, that doesn't mean she gets to decide that her younger sibling now drinks alcohol in spite of her and his parents wishes that he does not.

The attempt to undermine her parents, particularly by enabling her younger sibling to drink alcohol, is not a mountain out of a molehill.